Tag Archives: dick cheney

Cheney resting uncomfortably

Former vice president Dick Cheney is resting uncomfortably today, after being rushed to Guantanamo Bay Medical Center on Monday complaining of chest pains.

But the ex-second-in-commander-in-chief is never far from controversy and this time it has followed him to his hospital bed, with Cheney’s doctor defending against questions surrounding the treatment methods being used.

Cheney was home working on his memoirs when the chest pains started. “I was dictating into a tape recorder, but it wasn’t going well, the words weren’t coming,” explained Cheney, “so I told Dr. Yoo to torture me until I started talking.”

“He kept up the pressure until I had another three chapters,” he said.

Asked if he is still experiencing discomfort, Cheney replied, “Of course there’s discomfort, I love discomfort. But these were just twinges, I give myself worse taserings most mornings before breakfast.”

The revelation that Cheney’s personal physician, Dr. John Yoo, was present and actually caused the cardiac event was downplayed by Yoo himself.

“I’ve sent a paper — a long memo, really — to JAMA declaring cardiac torture is a valid treatment for a heart attack.” The paper is peer-reviewed, “I reviewed it myself,” said Yoo.

A copy of the memo obtained by reporters includes Yoo’s conclusion that traditional, non-torture cardiac intervention is allowable — so long as there is no “intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death.”

Yoo also responded to critics who question how a treatment can come before the event it is supposed to have treated. “The idea that Mr. Cheney should be restricted to a linear timeline is quaint,” Yoo said.

Cheney – Norway seeking long-range award launch capability

Former Vice President Richard B. Cheney gave the White House some free foreign policy advice today, warning of a grave new threat to non-peace.

In his first public comments since the Nobel Peace Prize attack of October 9, Cheney said he had informed President Obama that Norway constituted a clear and present danger to America.

“Norway has become the number one threat to the status quo of fear and the war mentality,” said Cheney.

“I warned everyone this would happen if they elected Obama,” he added.

Cheney said the northern European Islamic group al-Nobel has been behind many cases of peace recognition around the world. Now, he says, the 10/9 attack may be just the first in a new wave of peace.

“My secret intelligence source, Blue Ball, says the five-member al-Nobel cell in Oslo has taken control of the Norwegian government,” explained Cheney.

“Even now they are trying to develop a long-range award launch capability. At present, Peace Prize winners must journey to Oslo to accept the award. But a long-range system would let them deliver Peace Prizes anywhere in the homeland,” Cheney said.

A senior former Defense Department official who requested anonymity confirmed Cheney’s information. “Heavens to Betsy, the fact we can’t see any evidence of a long-range al-Nobel capability means it must employ stealth technology,” the source said.

For his part, Cheney is resolute in his desire to alert Americans to the growing Norwegian threat. “We have to attack them now, before we get Peace Prized again.”

Rumsfeld on waterboarding – US was keeping detainees well-hydrated

In a surprising break with other former Bush Administration officials, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today that waterboarding was not used to torture prisoners at the US facility at Guantanamo Bay.

“Our critics have it totally wrong. My stars, waterboarding would be illegal. The way we put pressure on terror suspects was to deny them water. See? Totally different,” the former Pentagon chief told reporters.

Rumsfeld’s startling assertion is at odds with statements by former vice president Dick Cheney, former attorney general Michael Mukasey, former CIA director Michael Hayden, and others, all who have admitted that waterboarding was used at the Guantanamo facility.

Moreover, they say Justice Department memos made waterboarding legal, classifying the practice as ‘enhanced interrogation.’

But Rumsfeld said such legal distinctions are not necessary. “We used waterboarding to keep prisoners well-hydrated after depriving them of drinking water, and not as an enhanced interrogation technique.”

“The result isn’t torture, it’s thirst. Harmless. Good heavens, I get thirsty every day,” said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld demanded release of a 2003 Justice Department memo that established a legal dehydration policy. “It says that if you don’t let someone have water, they’re going to get dehydrated. There was an entire appendix devoted to celebrity dehydration, like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.”

“So after days of deprivation but before the point of dehydration, we would give the detainees water. A lot of water. Cheese and biscuits, one time we rehydrated Kaleed Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in a month,” Rumsfeld said.

Rumsfeld denied Amnesty International accusations that this is really waterboarding in disguise, calling the organization misinformed.

“When they get this water, are they lying on a board? Sure. With a cloth over their faces? Could be. But Sweet Betsy, if that’s illegal you can go right ahead and make Perrier, lumber yards, and Jo-Ann Fabrics illegal too,” he said.

Doctors shrink Cheney swelling – Preparation H treatment makes ex-VP less of an asshole

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is resting comfortably in a Washington D.C. hospital this afternoon, hours after undergoing emergency treatment for being an asshole.

Cheney was delivering a televised rebuttal of President Obama’s speech on policy toward terror detainees at Guantanamo Bay, when onlookers noticed Cheney was experiencing swelling.

Sandra Betacam, a camera operator for C-SPAN, credited training in first aid for helping her recognize the early warning signs of an asshole attack.

“Cheney had just called for creation of an untruth commission, when his upper lip started curling, followed by hyperventilation and exhibiting ignorance of the Constitution,” said Betacam.

Betacam said that when she and others realized what was happening, they donned filter masks to avoid being overcome by gasses, then administered aid to Cheney. Betacam tightened Cheney’s necktie, while others tried to make sure he swallowed his own tongue.

Cheney was transported to Georgetown University Hospital, where medical staff immersed Cheney in a bath of Preparation H. After an hour he was shrunken enough to permit him to make a threatening phone call to Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT).

GU Hospital spokesman Bill Able said regular treatment can make assholes like Cheney bearable.

“It’s usually an incurable condition. But, Preparation H can control the condition to the extent that Cheney can probably live a normal life,” said Bill Able.

“But even then, I wouldn’t let him operate any heavy machinery, death squads or prison camps,” he said.

No more GOP big tent – Can’t find claim check for REI repair counter

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele announced today that his party will no longer use a big tent approach to rebuild its electoral base.

Steele explained that he had decided to abandon the big tent at its current location, the gear repair counter at the REI store in Fairfax, Virginia. “There was a giant hole in the big tent, so Jack Kemp took it in for repair,” said Steele.

Steele said conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh damaged the big tent — an REI Base Camp model — during a teambuilding exercise in March in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

“Rush said he had to sleep in the big tent, but this meant there was no room in it for anyone else. And while he was in there, he burned the hole in the big tent with a lit cigar.”

Kemp, the former New York congressman who advocated broadening the party’s populist appeal, and was also the 1996 GOP vice presidential nominee, volunteered to drop off the big tent at the Fairfax REI.

However, on May 2 Kemp passed away from cancer, “and now no one knows where the claim check is,” Steele said.

Steele went on to say he tried to get REI to make an exception, without success. “It’s like that green-vested woman didn’t know who I am. And then I remembered: REI is a cooperative, it spreads the wealth among its members,” he said, making airquotes with his fingers.

“I think we all know what that means.”

A committee of GOP moderates led by former Secretary of State Colin Powell has started shopping for a new big tent. But an overwhelming number of Republicans question whether a new big tent is even necessary.

“In view of the Obama recession, the $400 to replace the big tent is an expense we can’t afford,” said former vice president Dick Cheney.

Speaking on the CBS News program Face The Nation on Sunday, Cheney told host Bob Schieffer that any conservatives in need of shelter can huddle in Limbaugh’s ample rain shadow.

“What’s more, his Docker pleated slacks have vast quantities of twill that make for an excellent windbreak,” Cheney said.

Cheney wants to be swine flu czar – Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.

“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”

Cheney - ready to grill our enemies
Cheney - ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.

Cheney to be lobbyist for Evil – Joins firm of Torquemada Hitler Gonzales

Not one to fade quietly into retirement, former Vice President Dick Cheney has joined an evil lobbying firm.

Cheney told reporters today that he has accepted a partnership with Torquemada Hitler Gonzales, a new K Street lobbying firm that includes former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, social policy expert Tom Torquemada, and political strategist Dolph Hitler. The firm will now be called Cheney Torquemada Hitler Gonzales.

“I need to stay busy, I don’t do pinochle,” the most reviled man in the industrialized world and Alabama explained gruffly.

“Much work remains if the neoconservative vision is to be realized. Cronies need rewarding, ecosystems need decimating, markets need cornering, children need jobs, countries need crushing, American citizens need terrifying,” muttered Cheney, rubbing his hands together.

The ex-vice president says he is not covered by President Barack Obama’s new federal lobbying rules, which limit such lobbying by members of the previous administration. “Vice presidents are not part of the government,” Cheney explained.

Cheney’s announcement is proof the Obama administration must implement additional lobbying reform, says Suzanne Birkenstock of the public interest group Washington Tyrant Free (W.T.F.). “Cheney is the poster child for the Evil who enter government, use their official positions to deregulate Evil, and then return to the Evil sector and benefit from the deregulation.”

In other news, disgraced financier Bernard Madoff has been given 30 days in solitary confinement for rules violations, according to federal corrections officials. Madoff was found to have traded the same carton of cigarettes to fellow prisoners more than 100 times. Security and Exchange Commission sources called the 30 days “the first numbers Madoff has earned in years.”

None harmed in GOP convention fire – Sparked by Palin learning to rub hands together with evil glee

No one was injured at the Republican National Convention on Wednesday when a small fire broke out in one of the small meeting rooms at St. Paul’s Xcel Energy Center.

At the time of the fire the room was being used by Vice President Dick Cheney, who was holding a special seminar to instruct Gov. Sarah Palin on the topic, ‘What Is It That the Vice President Does Every Day?

Witnesses, who were reluctant to give their names, said Cheney was teaching Palin the correct way to rub one’s hands together with evil glee, when Palin rubbed her hands too quickly. The excessive friction resulted in too much heat, and accidentally set fire to Palin’s copy of the syllabus, the witnesses said.

There was further drama when firefighters were briefly delayed by Cheney’s security detail. St. Paul fire chief Carl Fumé said his people were first told there was no one using the room.

“Then a Secret Service agent said the room was in use, but that no one sees the Vice President without an appointment,” said Fumé.

Firefighters were finally allowed to enter the meeting room and extinguish the fire, but only after Cheney was given time to get to his escape pod.

In related news, a Wasilla, Alaska, teen who was reportedly kidnapped at shotgun-point has been located safe in Minnesota. Friends of Levi Johnston, 18, were concerned his sudden disappearance Monday was a political abduction because he is the boyfriend of Gov. Palin’s daughter, Bristol, 17. However, Johnston turned up unharmed in St. Paul on Wednesday morning. He is attending the Republican convention before returning home.

The Iraq News

Fifth Anniversary Edition


Ten shy of four thousand members of the American military have lost their lives in Iraq. The first 3,990 of those did not have to die and the ten more that will soon die and bring this total to a mindblowing 4,000 do not have to die either. The ones that will likely die on the way to 5,000 and beyond do not have to die. The untolled masses of Iraqis that will be killed, do not need to be. All it would take to end this is a few words spoken into a telephone by George W. Bush. Just a few words. But, instead, the words we hear from him are “it was worth it“.

The democratic majority in Congress ruthlessly squandered the opportunity to defund the OCCUPATION, so now, Congress can only end it with the impeachment of Bush and Cheney. These things sound impossible. They are not. They can happen right now. Today. It’s a matter of will. Waiting another year is obviously a tragic mistake.

We continue to be told that a we just need to hold out for political reconciliation. It’s never going to happen. Never was that more obvious than yesterday at a national reconciliation convention in Iraq that was boycotted by some of the most important political players in the country.

Here’s the Iraq News: