Tag Archives: earthquake

Insurance industry hospital ship to Haiti – S.S. Hopeless will serve rich quake victims

More aid from the U.S. arrived in Haiti today as the insurance industry’s hospital ship S.S. Hopeless sailed into Port-Au-Prince harbor, on a mission to bring much needed medical relief to rich survivors of the 7.0 earthquake that struck the country January 12.

The Hopeless had steamed at top speed from the Bahamas, where it waited for six days while Haiti’s paperwork was being processed.

“We are here to bring the world’s best health care system to the Haitian elite,” explained Julie McCoy, the Hopeless’s cruise director.

“Medical care for poor quake victims is being provided by emergency public options funded by the world’s governments and nonprofits, so the industry role is to offer a standard of care and service to Haitians willing to pay the free-market price,” McCoy said.

The Hopeless is a 32,000 ton Connecticut-registered vessel, recognized around the world by the familiar green dollar sign painted on its side. It carries 500 private rooms, a galley staffed by six cordon bleu chefs, 12 operating suites for elective surgery, 20 magnetic resonance imaging scanners, a claims department, a Wal-Mart pharmacy, and an IMAX theater currently showing Avatar.

The Hopeless is suspending many of its normal policies due to the urgent nature of the Haiti situation. Plate tectonics won’t be treated as a preexisting condition, and patients will be able to add domestic servants to their policies at a rate of 30% of full premium instead of 50%.

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S.S. Hopeless

In other news, surging GOP Massachusetts senate candidate Scott Brown brought in help yesterday to put his effort over the top. The former male centerfold’s office announced that Jeff Gannon and Levi Johnston were flown in to help campaign for Brown on the final day of his race against Democrat Martha Coakley. “The male centerfold aficionado voting bloc is going to put us over the top,” said a spokesman.

ERITAS and Wiseline Institute and Center for The Secular Humorism celebrates its 300th post on Ragebot

Robertson, Limbaugh sweep Demons Choice Awards

(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at yesterday’s Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry’s annual gala held at the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with fangs stained with real human blood.

Limbaugh’s politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories in the categories of Satan’s Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share Hitler’s Dorm Room In Hell, and “The Severed Ear” — which goes to the past year’s highest-rated radio program in Hades.

While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony’s most coveted award, Spiked Phallus of The Year.

Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime Achievement Award.

Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However, Robertson’s image failed to register in any of the photos.