Tag Archives: eric massa

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

iNews Friday – Frakky Friday edition, 3/12/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline:: California State Senator Announces He’s Gay After DUI Arrest
Translation: Fox & Friends- “DUI makes you gay!”

Headline: Massa says he was forced out so that Democrats can pass health care
Translation: And?

Headline: Former congressman Massa says Democrats set him up over health care
Translation: “Baltar set me up! It was Baltar!”

Headline: Massa exits in a blaze of verbiage
Translation: Much of it Caprican
Translation (Turbo mode): “Terminally ill naked drunk insurance lobbyist set me up, the frakker.”

Headline: Massa was investigated for allegedly groping male staffers
Translation: “Thought I was holding Viper control stick”

Headline: Moderate Drinking Linked to Weight Control
Translation: Conservative drinking leads to outing oneself after DUI stop

Headline: Massa- ‘I Forced Myself Out’ of Congress
Translation: Massa- ‘I outed myself’

Headline: Brown lands HarperCollins for memoir
Translation: To be titled “Going Roguer: Electric Boogaloo”
Translation (Turbo mode): Will be a ‘pictorial’, nudge-nudge

Headline: Have GOP, Democrats finally hit bottom?
Translation: Massa admits groping bottom