Tag Archives: fox news

Palin makes Fox debut

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made her first regular appearance as a member of the Fox News team last night, in a performance being widely praised for her ability to point while making eye contact with the camera.

The 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee delivered the network’s 8 pm national weather forecast, showing off her new American Meteorogical Society certification.

Palin said the eastern U.S. establishment should expect continued cold temperatures, “because with a wave of his hand the Almighty is gonna freeze all you elitists in carbonite.”

“Sodomites in San Francisco will experience locusts, fire and brimstone,” she continued. “While in the red states, expect flight delays in the event of Rapture what with all the people flyin’ up to meet Jesus.”

“There’ll be a lot of rain in Seattle, which you could see if it wasn’t covered by all these white swirly things,” said Palin.

“Seattle’s red on this map — not because it’s a red state, but because they’re socialists,” she said.

Palin supporters no doubt had their fingers crossed as their hero concluded her inaugural broadcast with a forecast for the Far East. She rewarded their faith by correctly describing the difference between North and South Korea. “North Korea is the one above the dotted line,” she said.

Brit Hume wins major award – Proselytizer Of The Year at Saddleback Church

Former Fox News anchor Brit Hume on Sunday urged prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to win forgiveness by turning to Christianity, netting the veteran journalist 12 million points and the overall victory in Saddleback Church’s Proselytizer Of The Year Salvation Challenge.

On Fox News Sunday, Hume told Woods he could gain redemption by rejecting Buddhism and accepting Christ, and also take 5 strokes off his game.

The win earns Hume a pair of reserved orchestra-level seats at Saddleback with flattering key lighting for one-year, as well as a parking space, an I Slurred a Major World Religion and All I Got Was This Lousy Baptismal Robe baptismal robe, and free coffee refills at the church samovar.

“Yeah! Jesus kicks Buddha’s ass!” Hume exulted when told of his victory.

Hume did it with a strategy that relied on quantity over quality, says veteran airport proselytizer Krishna Tim.

“The content of the witnessing was pretty standard, focusing on Christianity’s value in athletic contests,” said Tim.

“What carried Hume to victory was that his message was seen not only by Woods, but also by the 3 million people watching on TV and another 9 million who watched the video later at MediaMatters.org,” Tim said. The resulting 12 million proselytizing points led to a wide margin of victory over the other competitors from the Saddleback Sunday School program.

Reaction of Buddhists was predictably compassionate and understanding. But in Dharamsala, India, a spokesman for His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama begged to differ with Hume’s views.

“The practice of meditation offers greatly superior mental preparation for golfers,” said media relations officer Sogyal Nicklaus, who cited as proof the victory of Michael O’Keefe over Ted Knight in the film Caddyshack.

Glenn Beck’s inner child freed after 18 year ordeal – Captive in hidden region of right hemisphere

The mystery around the disappearance of Glenn Beck’s sanity was solved yesterday, when his inner child was freed from the makeshift prison behind a house in Escher, Washington, where he had been held captive for the past 18 years.

Authorities went to the ramshackle home early Friday, after receiving reports of shooting pains behind the eyes and incessant chattering of millions of tiny demons. There they discovered a secret compound within the prefrontal region of the right hemisphere of the Fox News personality’s brain. Several makeshift constructs provided shelter amid the dissociative disorder, screened from the outside world by a hedge of overgrown amnesias.

Arrested at the scene was the house’s owner, Beck’s own dominant personality, “Big Glenn.” He confessed to the kidnapping and is now being evaluated by a brain care specialist.

The inner child was able to identify himself under hypnosis. “We’re going to wait for the word association and Rorschach tests, but at this point we’re 99% confident it’s him,” said Escher Police public information officer Harley D. Spiedtrapp.

Glenn Beck has lived in fear of liberals, Communists, fascists, and Depression era bas reliefs ever since his inner child was abducted in broad daylight in 1991. It happened in front of his family’s home in Mount Vernon, just down State Route 20 from small, dusty and rarely visited Escher.

News of the inner child’s discovery brought tears of joy to Beck’s lesser, submissive personality “Wee Glenn,” who witnessed the abduction. During a brief appearance Friday night in front of the Mount Vernon house, Wee Glenn cried with relief as he recalled the suspicion that fell on him, chiefly accusations made by maternal enabling personality “Aunt Glenda.”

“She said it was all my fault. Until yesterday I was a suspect,” said Wee Glenn. Pointing to the upstairs window from which he saw the inner child being dragged away all those years ago, he said he tried to run outside to give chase. “But the stairs going down kept taking me back up,” he said.

Medical staff at St. Copay Memorial Hospital in Mount Vernon said Beck’s inner child has been reunited with his family of personalities, but said reintegration could take many years.

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Where it happened
Wee Glenn Beck points to bedroom window where he witnessed inner child’s abduction