Tag Archives: fun with acronyms

Long lines mean Soviet-style shortages are here, Tea Party blogger says

President Obama is creating an economic disaster, a prominent Tea Party activist said today.

“Long lines for bread, clothing and toilet paper were common in the Soviet Union and now we’re seeing the same sort of thing here — long Apple Store lines means socialism has arrived,” movement leader Mike Vanderfrandle wrote in his well-known blog Americans Seeing Socialism Everywhere in Society (A.S.S.E.S.).

Interviewed by PC Üser Alles magazine, Vanderfrandle cited recent occurrences of long store lines in many parts of the country as evidence of shortages.

Vanderfrandle said he had a realization when he saw TV news coverage of customers waiting all night outside Apple Stores for the introduction of the company’s highly anticipated iPad tablet computer.

“I realized it had to have been caused by the Obama Administration’s tax and health care policies,” said Vanderfrandle, “a socialist, big-government fascist conspiracy against us in the Tea Party who only learned to type with two fingers.”

Explaining that he currently dictates his blog to a third grade student who can type, Vanderfrandle said a touchscreen computer would make A.S.S.E.S. and other right-wing bloggers more self-reliant. “An iPad just needs one finger to use, so obviously the Democrat Party has to prevent us from getting our hands on iPads,” he said.

Vanderfrandle doesn’t believe claims that lines at Apple Stores are long only because the iPad is so popular. “If it’s so popular why didn’t they simply make more of them in the first place? No, it can’t be a coincidence that this so-called shortage happened right after passage of Obamacare.”

And has Vanderfrandle ordered an iPad himself?

“Are you crazy? I’m on Social Security disability and Food Stamps, I can’t afford an iPad.”

In a closely related story, Vanderfrandle has blogged that all Tea Party bloggers should get iPads to replace their harder to use PCs. “Break Dell, Gateway, and HP! Break their Windows 7. Break them NOW. Reboot and break them again,” he wrote.

New magazine jolts publishing world – TSA body scans to appear in “Public Screenings”

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

“Public Screenings” will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public’s insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.

Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life — including the rich and famous. “The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen,” Gibbs said, adding: “Whoopsie.”

OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.

However, the private sector publishing world denounced “Public Screenings” as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

“Americans don’t want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,” said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

“This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes,” Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. “Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners — provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order,” said Lechér.

“Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,” he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. “I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft,” Hume told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

GOP acts to stem closures of oriental carpet stores

The Neverending Sale
GOP wants ORAL

A wave of closures in the oriental carpet retail sector has provided a potent new issue for critics of President Barack Obama’s economic policies.

The stores, known as Oriental Carpet Dealers (OCD), offer Persian rugs, Oriental rugs, Kilims, and area carpets at unbelievable prices. They are a familiar sight in shopping districts across the United States.

Yet all is not well with the OCD, with Department of Commerce statistics showing more than 5,000 OCDs closed in the month of August. But now the OCD cause has been picked up by Republicans anxious to point out shortcomings in the president’s policies toward business.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) is leading the GOP charge over the plight of the carpet businesses. Leader of the newly formed Oriental Retail Assistance Legislation (ORAL) Group of House Republicans, Bachmann went on FOX News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor yesterday to describe what is happening in malls and on Main Streets across the country.

Bachmann told host Bill O’Reilly that she passed no less than a dozen Oriental Carpet Dealers on her drive to Capitol Hill that morning, “and all of them had huge banners proclaiming ‘Going Out Of Business – Huge Savings’,” said Bachmann.

“This portends an economic disaster. I want to find a great ORAL way to stop further losses of businesses, including ones owned by hard-working floor covering sellers who come from places such as Karastan and Belgian Congoleum,” Bachmann said.

The legislation would get $2 billion into the hands of American consumers, in the form of vouchers for 10% off when buying two or more carpets at already low, low prices. Vouchers would be distributed via Valpak mailings.

House Minority Leader John Boehner endorsed Bachmann’s plan. “What are Americans who want to shop for carpet that matches their drapes supposed to do? The number of OCD closures is clear evidence of an economic disaster caused by Democrat policies,” he said.

Added the visibly emotion Boehner: “We should be slashing prices, not commerce. This wholesale slaughter of retail must be stopped, it should be at the top of our list.”

If it passes the House, Bachmann’s bill would need to be woven into a Senate version, S. 69, written by Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Ensign heads up another GOP panel working on the issue, the Senate-House Analysis Group (SHAG).

“The interest we see today in ORAL-SHAG legislation gives me hope the unraveling of the oriental rug business can be stopped,” Ensign told a packed press conference.

Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.

Economists mull T.A.R.P. improvements – B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. is leading solution for economy

With Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner pledging as much as $2 trillion in government funds for efforts to spur new lending and address banks’ toxic assets, a group of influential economists are calling for improvements to the Troubled Assets Relief Program (T.A.R.P.) created by the Bush Administration.

“Our group believes that before we can create a vibrant new economy, we have to bury the worn-out old one,” said A. Mortimer “Mort” Isaiahsson, executive director of World Against Greedy Exploitive Sonofabitches (W.A.G.E.S.), a new think tank made up of reform-minded economists.

“What we’re looking for is T.A.R.P. 2.0, the next generation,” Isaiahsson said.

“It calls for a thorough problem identification, objective analysis of options, a comprehensive attack on the causes as well as symptoms and, above all, a better acronym,” he explained.

Proposed strategies include Kleptocracy Achieved Plunder Under the Treasury (K.A.P.U.T.), and Toxic Investments Taxpayer Supported Uncertainy Program (T.I.T.S. U.P.).

The leading candidate to succeed T.A.R.P. is called B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. — short for Banking and Loan Assets of Clients with Kickers, and Screwed by Heirs to Reaganomics and Owning Uncollateralized Derivatives.

Isaiahsson thinks B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. stands a chance of being the most effective way to
do what needs to be done — “namely, prepare unfettered robber-baron capitalism for its final interment.”

If implemented, B.L.A.C.K. S.H.R.O.U.D. will wrap-up robber-baron capitalism, which will then lie in state for three days at the offices of the Securities and Exchange Commission.

“It’ll lie there for a viewing period so Hank Paulson, Bernie Madoff and Phil Gramm can pay their last respects,” Isaiahsson said.

Robber-baron capitalism would be laid to rest in a pauper’s grave.

Obama names McCain car czar – Will personally bail out auto industry

Making good on his pledge to seek bipartisan solutions to the country’s challenges, President-elect Barack Obama today turned to former rival John Sidney McCain III for help in the effort to rescue the U.S. automobile industry.

McCain to lead Big 3 rescue
“Let’s put this thing in Drive”

As head, or “car czar,” of the new Liquidity Enhancement for Manufacturing Of New Sedans (LEMONS) initiative, McCain plans to get personally involved developing sales of new, alternative and fuel efficient vehicles to be manufactured by Ford, General Motors and Chysler.

“Cindy and I, mostly Cindy, are going to buy for our personal use Detroit’s first year of output of the new technology cars,” announced McCain.

“We’re up to about 27, maybe 30 houses now, plus our time shares, ski chalets and hunting lodges. All of them have ten, eleven, and twelve car garages. Then there’s my staff who need cars, and Cindy’s staff, Cindy’s beer distributorship, and Cindy’s boyfriends all have fleet needs too.”

“I can promise Detroit sales of 100,000 cars, up front, if they can put new electric, hybrid, flex-fuel and hydrogen models in the showrooms,” McCain said.

In his message announcing the former Republican presidential nominee’s appointment, Obama was effusive in his confidence in McCain. “During the long campaign, Senator McCain repeatedly demonstrated his expertise on transportation. When people saw him on the campaign trail, he was on the Straight Talk Express bus, or the Straight Talk Express airplane,” said Obama.

“Even in the dark days of 2007 when his campaign had not yet caught fire, John McCain was traveling in the Straight Talk Vanagon Westfalia,” he noted.

“Finally, when the time came for a statement on the banking crisis, John McCain again defined his policy with transportation, suspending his campaign and taking the Straight Talk Express to the capitol,” Obama said.

McCain indicated he is eager to begin his new duties, which will not require him to leave the Senate. “Let’s put this thing in Drive and get going,” he said.

“Obama will raise our taxes” – Lottery players group gives nod to McCain

Saying Barack Obama’s tax policies will be bad for its membership, the American Sweep Stakes and Lottery Investors Coalition (ASSLIC) today gave its 2008 presidential endorsement to John Sidney McCain III.

“ASSLIC’S FOR MCCAIN,” proclaims a banner on the organization’s website.

The ASSLIC endorsement could be a key boost for McCain, who trails Democrat Obama by as much as 10 points in some polls with only 13 days to go until election day.

McCain welcomed the endorsement, saying it shows voters want low taxes on the rich, just in case they should hit the jackpot themselves. He also took the opportunity to reach out to the millions of American lottery ‘investors,’ as ASSLIC members like to be called. “Lottery tickets are good because they are a totally voluntary form of taxation,” said McCain.

“My opponent doesn’t understand that by raising taxes on those who win smaller jackpots — low income lottery investors — he’s discouraging everyone from playing lotteries, which fund education among other things. That’s what’s important. Raising taxes on lottery winners would hurt education,” McCain said.

Typical among ASSLIC members is the story of Moe The Gambler, the now-famous probability optimist from Northwood, Ohio. Joe approached Obama last week as the Democratic nominee was campaigning in the Toledo suburb. Going up to Obama, Moe The Gambler asked: “I’ve been playing the same numbers for 10 years, and am getting ready to win $250,000 in the Ohio state lottery. You’re going to raise my taxes, aren’t ya?”

Obama explained his proposed tax cuts would actually benefit Moe. “Look. I’m giving a tax cut to everyone making less than $250,000,” Obama began.

“Now, if you take your lottery winnings in a series of annual installments, that’s less than $250,000 a year. Under my plan you get a tax cut. Even if you take your winnings as a single lump sum, up-front, that’s less than $250,000 too,” Obama explained.

Moe thanked Obama for talking to him. But later, in interviews on the Cartoon Network and Fox News, Moe The Gambler said he just didn’t believe what Obama said.

“A Democrat cutting taxes blows my mind, it makes my head hurt. I can’t understand it, so I’m just gonna call it socialism and head over to the track,” Moe The Gambler said.

In a related story, during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania yesterday, McCain accused Obama of wanting to shrink the pie and replace it with a falafel.

Palin flunked post-debate urine test – Positive for Smarties

Gov. Sarah Palin today denied she used artificial debate performance enhancers to prepare for her debate with Democrat Joe Biden.

The controversy began yesterday, when the Presidential Debate Commission announced that urine samples taken from Palin immediately after last Thursday’s debate were found to contain abnormally high levels of Smarties. Immediately following the debate, pundits commented that Palin seemed much more smart and poised than she had in previous media interviews.

A cache was seized.

The Presidential Debate Commission routinely tests presidential and vice presidential nominees for debate performance enhancers, as part of its “P Is For President Program” (PIFPP). Nominees are required to submit A and B samples to reduce the chance of false positives.

The McCain-Palin campaign has not officially made Palin available for testing, placing the blame on her reportedly shy bladder. Instead, the samples tested were acquired nonconventionally, by PIFPP staff member Ethan Hunt (see mission photo, below).

Mission Urinpossible
Debate Commission acquires sample

Both samples tested positive for Smarties. At the same time it was announced Biden tested positive only for Propecia, which does not make one smarter.

Based on Palin’s test, the commission revealed it raided the McCain-Palin training facility on the McCain ranch in Cornville, Arizona, on Sunday. A source with the commission said a carton of Smarties was found.

Speaking before a rally of puzzled supporters in Clearwater, Florida, John Sidney McCain III’s ticket-mate was as defiant as she was with debate moderator Gwen Ifill.

“If I failed the A and B tests, it’s because I never give the results the testers want, or in the way they want,” said Palin.

“Being a maverick is such a big part of who I am, that even my pee is maverickey. It goes in unexpected directions, all over the place,” she said.

Palin explained the Smarties “belong to my children, who are off limits.” She said the matter was therefore closed.

“The next person who asks me about Smarties can suck my flute,” she said with a wink.

In a related story, Palin said that the only contraceptive method she supports is an aspirin in a Coke.

New name for GOP – Will now be called “NATSEEs”

The Republican Party stunned political observers when it ended its national convention on Thursday, changing its name for the first time since its 1854 founding.

It will now be called the National American Trade, Society, Enterprise and Entrepreneurs Party, or NATSEE Party.

“The name NATSEE perfectly captures what we stand for on international relations, homeland security, and ethnic and religious diversity,” John Sidney McCain III said in St. Paul Thursday night, in his speech accepting the Natsee 2008 White House nomination.

“People a thousand years from now will still remember this day, the day the NATSEE Party stepped forward, stepping like geese across the meadow of manifest destiny, offering our fellow Americans the leadership they need and order they crave,” McCain declared.

“Our children and their children, and their children, and their children, and their children, you get the idea, will consider themselves the richer for the decisions we make in this election. Those people, a millennium from now, will indeed be rich. The thousand-year rich,” he said.

McCain went on to say that Natsees stand for openness and burden-sharing. “Law abiding Americans want to be open with government about their lives, bank accounts and internet browsing, because they understand that protecting freedom means giving up freedom. They believe in lessening the burdens of others, such as corporations facing huge losses,” McCain said, to thunderous applause.

“I think Americans are going to be excited about supporting the NATSEE Party and becoming Natsees,” RNC Renaming Committee chairman Pilate Hindenberg said by way of explaining the unexpected move.

“Our test marketing has shown there is a sizable number of people who like what Natsee-ism stands for, especially those who flunked history. Sorry, they prefer to be called forward-looking,” Hindenberg said.

Other names under consideration were the security-conscious Your American High Technology Super Easy Eavesdropping (YAHTSEE) Party, and a radical plan to create a monarchy based upon the bloodline of actor Anson Williams: the Potsie Party.

Also rejected was Kids, Learning, And No-taxes (KLAN).

Breaking News: The financial world is abuzz with rumors the U.S. government is preparing to take over two lending giants. The White House would not confirm reports that it intends to seize control of the House and Senate.

Feds tipped to ‘mob summit’ – Raid nets private McCain event

Federal agents acting on a tip from an informant were expecting a high level criminal meeting when they stormed a mansion in Phoenix’s wealthy Biltmore community.

Special Agent Joan Edgar Tolson said a confidential informant had alerted the FBI’s elite Joint Operating Intelligence Division (JOI Division) to “a big, big sit-down involving shady characters” at the home, owned by local businessman Jack Hussein Londen.

Instead, the heavily armed, black-clad agents burst in on a heavily moneyed, black tie John McCain fundraising event.

“Our first thought when we saw how well dressed the crowd was was that we hit the mother lode,” Tolson told a press conference held at JOI Division headquarters. She said their warrant was issued based on the probable cause that Londen is a known kingpin in the insurance and media industries.

Republican National Committee spokesman Strom Hussein Frandle criticized agents for taking too long to realize their error. “JOI Division inconvenienced a lot of people and kept them from important, completely legal special interest activities,” said Frandle.

“She’s lost control, I’ll never know just why or understand,” he said of Tolson. He said he would have Tolson fired if it emerges she is not a Republican.

Tolson defended her agents. “A number of people made for the exits when agents first went in, so we thought we were in the right place,” Tolson said. He went on to say that one person detained trying to escape through the kitchen was released after he was identified as former Senator Phil Gramm (R-Texas). Also questioned and released was fugitive financier Robert Vesco, who was found halfway out the bathroom window.

Sources say the McCain campaign has turned to small private fundraising events because of the need to distance the presumptive Republican nominee from President Bush, avoid large crowds of protesters, escape media scrutiny, and an inability to fill larger public venues.

However, Leilani Frandle (no relation) of the organization Sane People For the 50 States (SPF-50) told reporters that her group doesn’t object to McCain holding fundraisers in private, so long as there is ample sidewalk area out front. “We get nine to ten thousand anti-war protesters every time McCain comes back to Phoenix, your normal neighborhood sidewalks don’t have room for that many marchers.”

Strom Frandle said accommodating more demonstrators would not be possible, as crowd control would be a burden to local law enforcement. But Lt. Martin Hussein Milner of the Phoenix Police Department said that would not be a problem. “We always like the overtime,” Milner said.