Tag Archives: fundamentalists

God to guest-judge on America’s Next Top Model – Modesty inspectors hope for “Christian burkas”

Extreme modesty activists are in a celebratory mood, after producers of America’s Next Top Model announced today that God will be a judge on three episodes of the program.

The Almighty will start lending his ineffable fashion sense to the hit CW Network show Easter weekend, network sources say.

Shirley A. Nutt, a card-carrying modesty inspector from Westmost, North Carolina, hailed the move. Nutt’s consulting firm, Beeswax Incorporated, prints pamphlets that advise women not to dress in ways that encourage men to commit rape.

“It’s about time the fashion world turned to God,” said Nutt. “All those plunging necklines almost exposing pink, delicate nipples; the skirts slit up to where you can see nearly everything; the see-through fabrics — it’s a wonder those models aren’t continually raped day in day out. By closeted lesbians,” Nutt said.

“What we need are Bible-believing models in Christian burkas, so that everything will be left to the imagination,” she added.

Nutt said she had briefly considered plucking out her eyes, so as to not see things that might offend her. “But then I wouldn’t be able to almost see women’s nipples. In order to judge their modesty,” she said.

A staffer with the America’s Next Top Model production company confirms it is responding to pressure from a religious segment of the audience. “The South is glued to their televisions, and what the market research is telling us is that they want titillation on TV, but not in public,” said assistant show runner Giorgio R. Frandle.

“Therefore we’re going to show even more of the models dressing, undressing, and parading around in next to nothing backstage. But on the runway, the fashions to be popularized will be made of burlap, and offer head-to-toe modesty,” Frandle said.

Show host Tyra Banks said she is excited at working with I Am That I Am. “Maybe he can help clear up people confusing me with Naomi Campbell all the time,” said Banks, adding, “I’ve never laid a hand on a cab driver in my life.”

Another Major Recall – Palin’s witchcraft protection failing

Americans already reeling from the Toyota recall were greeted this morning by news of another major recall.

Word of Faith Church founder Bishop Thomas Muthee said his church has recalled its witchcraft protection system, affecting one customer, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Muthee said his church will repair a fault that exposes Palin to spells that can cause her to veer wildly, and experience braking problems such as an inability to stop talking.

The problem with the witchcraft protection system arose last weekend, when strange writing manifested on the palms of Palin’s hands as she spoke at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Her husband, Todd, took her to the local Assembly of God dealership, where the service department diagnosed witchcraft. Muthee was notified, and he began working on a fix.

It was Bishop Muthee who journeyed to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 to install Sarah Palin’s witchcraft protection system, which he described as a dense ethereal coating to keep her “safe from every form of witchcraft.”

“Normally we apply the coating at the factory. But we made an exception in Palin’s case, due to the size of my honorarium,” he said.

Of the current recall, Muthee said that although spontaneous appearance of words on the skin is a clear sign of witchcraft, “English words are quite unusual, normally what we see is in Latin.”

“This points to a younger witch that didn’t learn Latin,” he explained, tracing the defect to the witchcraft protection system not being programmed to account for Barack Hussein Obama. “We didn’t think Kenyan witchcraft would appear in North America,” said Muthee, of Kiambu, Kenya.

This weekend Muthee will travel to New York, where Palin is working as a 2012 presidential candidate for Fox News. “Todd will bring her into the dealership maybe on Monday afternoon and we’ll put her up on the lift. Installing the upgraded witchcraft protection system should take an hour,” he explained.

Muthee maintains witches have enormous influence in America. “There are many examples, such as the song Witchy Woman, and the TV show Bewitched. There are the 2001 Seattle Mariners from the world of sports, and it is the best explanation for Hulu’s move to a subscription-based business model,” said Muthee.

“I was also the first to notice that there is even witchcraft in the Pledge of Allegiance, where it goes, ‘and to the Republic for witch it stands’,” he said.

ERITAS errata: ERITAS is taking this week off

Fall TV – Creation Science Fiction Channel has faith in lineup

While other networks are scaling back with reality programming and even Jay Leno in prime time, one television operation is sticking to its formula. The Creation Science Fiction Channel’s new fall season is replete with moves that show it is keeping to its extremely conservative programming strategy.

It would have been ultra conservative, if not for the efforts of David King, CreSyFy’s less cautious Vice President for Program Development.

“There were some people on the board who wanted to show reruns,” King said. However, he managed to win approval for new prime-time episodes of the network’s scripture-based series, now four nights a week:

Cottage, MD. Cantankerous Dr. Cottage (Stephen Baldwin) has checked into a demonic possession treatment center, but resists exorcism.

Sky Trek. More adventures of Captain Kurt (Stephen Baldwin) and the crew of the dirigible Enterprise in the farthest reaches of the stratosphere. This season it bumps into the glass sphere around the earth that the stars are attached to.

Sex in the Old Testament City. Picking up where last season left off, Lot (Stephen Baldwin) offers his daughters to the Sodomites in order to protect Mr. Big (Kirk Cameron).

LDS: Miami. Willie Aames joins the cast as the new commander of the forensic missionary squad. Stephen Baldwin (LDS: New York) guests in the season opener.

Senator Who. The mysterious legislator (Stephen Baldwin) and his male companions journey through time and space in a closet that is bigger on the inside.

With the schedule set, King plans to go on vacation until the end of the season. “There won’t be any changes, since CreSyFy has a rule against things evolving,” King explained.