Boosters in Kansas are celebrating today, upon news the Great Plains state has secured a professional Taliban franchise. The franchise will be called the Sunflower State Holy Warriors and play its first season in Wichita.
Eager Taliban fans directed celebratory Sunday morning gunfire at Wichita’s Reformation Lutheran Church, killing Dr. George Tiller MD, a provider of abortion services.
The assassination of Tiller, who at the time of his death was serving as a church usher, earned Kansas its first win and six points in Taliban league standings.
Holy Warriors coach/General Manager Fred Phelps said Tiller’s assassination was a good first start, despite on-field errors. “We were lucky to get the win. Usually the Taliban way is to find the headless corpse dumped by the side of the road,” explained Phelps.
“I guess this week in practice we’ll be working on the fundamentals of fundamentalism,” he said.
Phelps went on to say he expects the franchise to be competitive despite a tough schedule.
“Our style of play matches up well against doctors, Buddhist statues, women showing their hair, and defenseless girls wanting to go to school,” Phelps said.
At present the Holy Warriors will play home games in a secluded gravel pit outside Wichita. But the team’s long term success will depend on revenues only a new stadium can provide.
Phelps says that after the team returns from a road trip in Pakistan he’ll start campaigning for a ballot measure to fund a new open-air stadium/convention center/concentration camp.
The team currently has its eye on a site in Topeka. “The site is occupied by a yoga and meditation center. But not for long,” Phelps said.