Tag Archives: george w bush

“I’m the only one who gets to be called that” – Bush sues France over use of ‘National Disaster’

George W. Bush has sued France, attorneys for the former President disclosed today.

Papers filed with the International Small Claims Court at The Hague state that France’s declaration of a “national disaster” in the wake of storms that severely lashed the country’s Atlantic coast infringes on a Bush trademark. The filing states France should not be allowed to use the term because it did not wait five days before sending government assistance, that assistance is being correctly and efficiently distributed, and private contractors are not involved.

“I’m the only one who gets to be called that, even in French,” Bush told his official biographer James Frey.

“As soon as I heard (French President) Sarkozy had declared a national disaster, I told my lawyers to jump on it,” said Bush, who is on a motivational speaking tour of Haiti.

“See, I’m what you call synombulous with that term — in other words, I am synombulous with it. Same as how there are a lot of different facial tissues, but everyone calls all of them Kleenex,” he said.

An emergency brief filed with the court by France’s attorney general offered to have Sarkozy fly in his plane over the affected region and look concernedly out the window.

However, a spokesman for Bush said it would be sufficient if the storm, currently named Xynthia, were renamed George.

Obama wins Funniest President Award – George W. Bush impression called “eerie”

President Obama has received another prestigious honor to add to his Nobel Peace Prize, the White House announced today.

“The President is thrilled at winning the Funniest President Award,” press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters this morning.

The Funniest President Award was started by the Order Of The Knights Of The Catskills (OKC). They have bestowed it on American commanders-in-chief and foreign heads of state since Herbert Hoover in 1929.

Grand Emcee Mortie Zilberstein said that Obama earned the Funniest President Award for his spot-on impression of former President George W. Bush. “It’s eerie how much Obama is like Bush,” said Zilberstein. He cited such Obama talents as copying Bush on the release of torture photos and opposition to the landmine ban treaty. “And now he’s going to do a troop surge. The resemblance is uncanny!”

Zilberstein further explained that Obama doesn’t have to closely copy Bush’s vocal inflections or mannerisms to be doing an impression. “You don’t have to try to be a doppelganger. Look at Fred Armisten,” he said.

Gibbs said that Obama had hoped he was in the running for the award, and even practiced new Bush material on his recent world tour. “But no one thought he had a chance at the top prize, not with Stephen Harper still in office,” Gibbs said.

In related news, Sarah Palin denied she dropped out early from a Thanksgiving Day charity run.  The former Alaska Governor had pledged to run in the 5K “Turkey Trot” while visiting relatives in Richland, Washington. Palin denied reports she left the race early to avoid fans who had gathered at the finish line. “I was doing a Rosie Ruiz impression,” Palin told the Tri-Cities Herald-Plutonium.

Bush motivational speech – Transcript

Fort Worth, Texas
October 26, 2009

Good evening. Tell you what, before we start, why don’t those of you in the back come and fill up some of these opens seats up front here? Come on, lots of empty seats.

Okay, now I can see all your shiny faces. Good evening again, and welcome to my first paid public speaking. Are you ready to rumble? Before I forget, I want to give a special shout-out to the 8,000 of you who won free tickets through 95.9 KFWR The Ranch. “Listeners really win on KFWR.”

I am honored to be invited here today to talk about lessons from my life that can motivate. In other words, life lessons that can motivate you, in your businesses, careers, and personal lives.

Although a lot of the early stuff is kind of hazy, what I do remember is working hard.

The first lesson from my life is that if you work hard, you always win. And let me tell you — I’m a winner. I’ve won every time.

I got into Yale even though I’m as dumb as a stump — because I worked hard. And because of me, Yale had to create a special grade: the E, which they told me stands for Excellent.

I got out of Vietnam but still worked hard serving my country — I earned that free dental work.

Some will tell you I lost my ’78 campaign for Congress, but I think of it as a ‘non-win’ — just sounds better.

I finished six years as Governor of Texas with 152 executions, number one among all governors in recent history. And most of those executions were of guilty people.

And then there was September the 11th, 2001. That was a loss for the United States, it’s true. But in large parts of the world 9/11 is considered a win against America. That’s lesson two from my life: consider other points of view.

Lesson three from my life would have to be good business sense. I started Arbusto Energy, which later got sold to Harken Energy — whew, and managed to sell all my stock in that before it went south.

As a baseball owner, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps by buying a share of the Rangers for $600,000, most of it borrowed, then selling the team and its taxpayer-financed stadium for a huge profit. I’m too bashful to say how much that was — but it rhymes with blourteen boint bline shmillion. Heh heh — pretty good, huh?

This lesson served me in good steed in the last year of my White House when the economy, due to fears of the possible election of Barack Obama, suffered the biggest failure of financial institutions known to man. The situation called for using the fourth lesson from my life — as ye have received, also shalt thou give away others’ money.

So I worked hard, considered other points of view, used my business sense, and then came to the only conclusion possible — I gave them 700 billion of your dollars.

This has been just a preview of all the lessons of my life. You’ll be able to get the rest of them in my forthcoming book, “Lessons Of My Life” By George W. Bush, $34.99, now available for pre-order from Regnery Publishing.

In closing, I hope my life has provided you with the motivation you need to achieve success in your endeavors.

Thank you for your attention, have a nice day, and remember to tip your waitress. Posters, CDs, and “Global War On Terror Global Tour” t-shirts are on sale in the lobby.

Those of you who want to take a picture with me, please form a single line in the center aisle — ten bucks each, cash only.

Zaidi regrets throwing shoes at Bush – “I should have just shouted ‘you lie'”

The Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at former President George W. Bush expressed regret today, soon after his release from prison after serving nine months of a three year sentence.

“I’m sorry,” Muntader al-Zaidi told a gathering of reporters at the al-Baghdadia television studio, and added, “that America had such a satanic warmongering leader for eight years.”

A reporter for al-Baghdadia who was covering the Dec. 14, 2008 press conference held by Bush and Iraq prime minister Nuri al-Maliki, Zaidi threw his shoes at Bush and shouted, “this is for the widows and orphans and all those killed in Iraq,” as an act of protest.

“While I was in prison I did a lot of thinking and learning to take my mind off the daily beatings, and what I realized was that shoe-throwing is not something you do in a free society,” said Zaidi.

Zaidi went on to say, “I should have just yelled the stuff about widows and orphans. And even that was too wordy, I should have just yelled ‘you lie!’ like that patriotic American congressman,” he said.

“I learned there is no penalty if you do that in a free society, absolutely none at all, zero, nada. And as we all know Iraq is totally free thanks to American intervention,” Zaidi said.

Zaidi appeared to be in good condition after his imprisonment, although he was missing a front tooth. However, he said he would be getting dental work done thanks to the single payer health system — created by the new Iraq constitution drafted by the Bush Administration in 2005.

Bush comments on 100 Days report card – Transcript

Hello, this is former President George Dubya Bush. Please, hold your applause.

The start of a president’s admenstruation sets the tone for his entire term in office. So it’s impordant that the Commander in Chief, the Numero Uno, has a good report card for the first hunderd days.

That’s why when it was time for my report card on my first hunderd days as president, I used Liquid Paper®.

Now, a lot of you young people today may not be familiar with this miracle liquid, accustomary as you are to using computers and the internets.

Back when I was a boy in boarding school, we couldn’t cover up our mistakes by hitting the Delete key, clicking on the Trash, or hiring Geeks On Call to erase hard drives. No, we had real report cards, paper ones made from old growth timber. Our teachers would write down our grades by hand, or print them using an ancient device called a “typewriter.” Which is sorta like a PC without the TV screen.

Now, sometimes the teachers made, uh, typological errors, and we students had to correct them. A little dab of Liquid Paper® here (using the handy appligator brush), a dab there, some fancy “typewriter” work, and Mission Accomplished: an F becomes a Gentleman’s C.

Sometimes, depending on the boarding school, the report cards would be on colored paper. I think you call them paper of color nowdays. Anyhow, this was not a problem because the good people at Liquid Paper® make dif’rent colored Liquid Paper®s. Liquid Paper® of color. In other words, a rainbow of diversity.

When one president leaves office, by tradition he leaves a handwritten note for the next fella. I wrote such a note for President Barack Osama — naw, I can’t tell you what I told him, it’s supposed to be private.

But I will tell you this: I couldn’t have written it without Liquid Paper®. And what’s more, I left him the bottle.

Thank you, and may dog bless Merica.

Bush Named Goodwill Ambassador – Ex-prez called “perfect symbol of post-prosperity America”

Former President George W. Bush has completed his transition to private life — by returning to public service as a Goodwill Ambassador, literally. Bush’s office announced today that the 43rd president has agreed to be the new U.S. spokesman for Goodwill Industries.

The well known used-goods retailer, which also provides training, employment and a host of services to the disadvantaged and physically and developmentally challenged, will provide those services to Mr. Bush in exchange for his public relations duties, according to Goodwill spokesman Willy Frandle.

“Goodwill has long been known as a seller of quality used merchandise at hugely discounted prices,” said Frandle.

“Now that America is entering a period of severe economic dislocation, Goodwill wants to market itself to a wider audience. Goodwill needs an ambassador to reach that audience. Who better than George W. Bush to be the symbol of the post-prosperity America he helped create?” he said.

“In exchange, Goodwill help Mr. Bush reenter civilian life, helping to educate him in some basic life skills such as interpersonal communication and how to handle money.”

The former president said he is excited about his new role, and looks forward to the life skills classes. “Imagine what the last eight years might have been like, had I known how to handle money, when it was the wrong time to crack jokes, and not to give the German Chancellor a shoulder massage,” Bush said.

Frandle unveiled two Bush-associated marketing tools, the first a reworking of Goodwill’s logo that incorporates Bush’s likeness.

The second are lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Bush. The cut-outs will be placed in all Goodwill stores nationwide to greet shoppers. A computer chip will play a recording of Bush saying, “Sorry you can’t afford regular-price retail anymore. Sorry you can’t afford regular-price retail anymore…”

Goodwill to Bushwill?
Respected nonprofit updates familiar “Willy” logo

Bush helps Obama – Asks Congress to release blue tarp funds

President Bush yesterday agreed to a request from President-elect Obama to ask Congress for the remaining $350 billion from the Troubled Asset Relief Program (TARP) fund. Sources with Obama’s transition office explained Bush has been asked to take the action so that the bailout money would be available when Obama takes office next Tuesday.

Moving quickly, the White House made the request Tuesday afternoon. In a message to Congressional leaders attached to the request, Bush asked the House Financial Services Committee to release “the second half of the tarp funds.”

“Dear Snaggletooth,” the message opened, with Bush using his nickname for Chairman Barney Frank (D-MA).

“By releasing these funds now, the people of New Orleans will be able to purchase more blue tarps to keep the rain out of their homes, and give them a chance to bail out the rain water,” wrote Bush.

“Anything I can do to help my successor make his job more easier, so release them funds now please, thank you,” Bush concluded.

Bush urges aid to “New Poor” – New 1040 check-off fund will help ex-rich

In one of his last national weekly radio addresses, President Bush urged the American people to take time in the new year to help former giants from the worlds of banking, Wall Street and insurance who are newly less fortunate.

“Think of your fellow citizens who have trickled-down on the rest of you for the last three decades,” Bush said on Saturday.

“These are the good people who brought you lower pay, fewer manufacturing jobs, stagnant income, inferior health insurance, business consolidation, weaker unions, oil dependence, subprime mortgages, and the most expensive weapons systems money can buy,” he said.

The president went on to say that it would be wrong to forget the ex-rich, but is confident the country will help those impacted by the financial crisis. “Americans are the most generous people in the world. If they are half as generous with their money as my administration has been, this will be our country’s first suffering-free depression.”

“I know my fellow Americans will step up and help. Therefore, under the authority vested in me as taxer-in-chief, I have issued an executive order creating the Federal Fund for the New Poor.”

Bush said the fund will enable 95% of the American people to continue transferring their wealth to the remaining 5% beyond the end of his presidency.

The president announced that, on his instructions, the Internal Revenue Service has created a new system to collect revenues for the new fund.

Under Bush’s plan, a new option will appear on taxpayers’ 1040 and 1040EZ tax returns, underneath the familiar Presidential Election Campaign Fund check-off. The new option will read, simply:

Welfare For The Rich Fund: Check here if you, your traditional marriage spouse, children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren — you get the idea — want $1500 to go to this fund. Checking a box below will definitely affect your tax.


Concerned
On Friday, President Bush flew over the U.S. economy to get a sense of the devastation.

Bush legacy caught in massage parlor sting

(Washington) President Bush’s legacy suffered a setback last night, when undercover sheriff’s deputies arrested it in a massage parlor sting in suburban Washington.

The Prince Georges County Sheriff’s Office confirmed that the president’s legacy was among those netted in a vice investigation at the Brit & Charlie’s Spin Palace in Landover.

This morning the White House said the Bush legacy had only been looking for an innocent little massage. “Every president’s legacy needs a little massaging by the end of his term in office, he’s earned it,” said press secretary Dana Perino.

However, the official arrest report indicates the president’s legacy was expecting something more than a back adjustment. “Suspect tried to grope for excuses about pre-war intel, then asked the undercover officer to dress up lies in a fantasy roleplaying scenario,” describes the report.

The arresting officer wrote that the Bush legacy then offered her $500 to screw the historical record, at which point she identified herself as a police officer.

The legacy was booked into the Prince Georges Department of Corrections on investigation of soliciting for a presidential library, and was released on its own recognizance.