Tag Archives: glenn beck

Glenn Beck gets key to city – Transcript

Thank you Mayor Norris, Walker, Texas Ranger is my favorite show ever.

Hello ladies, gentlemen and fans. Man, aren’t there a lot of six foot rabbits here today. It’s great to be back in Mount Vernon, my home town, out on the edge of the prairie.

And what a randy town you are! Painting tulips on the big smokestack like that; I’m also an art critic, so I know what the message is you’re trying to get across with tulips. On a smokestack.

Wow, the key to the city. Keys are really a randy thing too. Let me show you what I’m talking about. First slide, please.

Look at how this key is shaped. It’s long and slender with ripples on one side. It’s metal, which is hard. Yet not the hardest metal, so it’s soft. Something very familiar about that. Next slide.

What do you do with a key? You put it in a hole, don’t you? You slide it in, pull it out, slide it in, pull it out. You twist it, which is like screwing in a screw. It’s a sexual metaphor, I’ve given this a lot of thought, it’s so obvious. Next slide.

And do you have a different key for every door in your house? No, you probably have one key that you put in a lot of holes. That’s promiscuity. Next one.

Now look what’s written on this key: “Yale.” As in Yale University, one of the biggest centers of the liberal east coast intelligentsia. Next.

What happens when you turn that key? It unlocks stuff! It opens doors! Doors to home, doors to employment, doors to school, doors to your car, doors to your doctor’s office! Last slide.

ATM cards are like keys! You put it in a slot!

Look at this key, people! It has a secret message for you from the liberal intelligentsia. They’re telling you that having sex, promiscuous sex, is the key that opens doors to home ownership, work, education, a nice car, medical care, and wealth in general! God, I worry so much about the hidden messages liberals hide everywhere, it brings tears to my eyes.

You know what? I can’t believe I came back here for a filthy, dirty key. I’ve never been so insulted in my life. You can keep your damn key, Mister Mayor, and you can shove it in your hole!

And Clarence Gilyard Jr. was the best thing on that show.

9-12ers decry liberal media – Want fear, end to Michael Moore movie marathons

(Washington DC) Eight years after terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, an estimated 30,000 people marched on the capitol yesterday to remember the day after the attacks of September 11, 2001.

The marchers, who call themselves “9-12ers,” said they want to remind Americans of the confusion, fear and anger they felt the morning of September 12, 2001. Many said the confusion, fear and anger that served as the basis of Bush Administration policy should continue to determine national policy, and hoped President Barack Obama would receive their message.

“Hussein Obama hasn’t changed the color coded terror alert status, nor issued a single vague warning from the Vice President’s office. I think he has forgotten he is supposed to protect the Merican people,” said M.F. Nutt, who marched down Pennsylvania Avenue after driving nine hours from Westmost, North Carolina.

Accompanying him was his wife, Shirley A. Nutt. She said too many people are trying to move the country forward. “Where’s the September 12th fear? For most people I talk to, the sheer terror of that day isn’t sharp anymore,” said Mrs. Nutt.

“It’s like they want life to be normal, with all their talk about jobs and pubic options. Well, normal life is dangerous. What about attacks on our water supply? Pen guns? Radio controlled airplanes as bombs? Women taking bottles of breast milk onto airplanes?” she wondered.

“These are threats people need to stay afraid of, so we’ll stay alert,” she said, adding that she always serves caffeinated black tea at meetings of her Tea Party Patriots chapter.

Another North Carolinian marcher, Barnard “Barney” Fife of Mount Pilot, said the media is to blame for normalcy.

Fife, a police lieutenant and SWAT team commander for the Mount Pilot Metro Police, displayed a thick journal of notes he keeps when watching television news and visiting network and newspaper web sites. The results, he said, show that the media has an overwhelming liberal bias.

“Only Glenn Beck talks about the National Endowment of the Arts takeover of Merica headquartered at Rockefeller Center, but even he doesn’t mention the role of militant peace activists, the Illuminati, and the Shriners,” said Fife.

“All you see on TV now is hour after hour of Michael Moore movies, 24/7. I tell you, it needs to stop before we get hit again,” he said.

Glenn Beck’s inner child freed after 18 year ordeal – Captive in hidden region of right hemisphere

The mystery around the disappearance of Glenn Beck’s sanity was solved yesterday, when his inner child was freed from the makeshift prison behind a house in Escher, Washington, where he had been held captive for the past 18 years.

Authorities went to the ramshackle home early Friday, after receiving reports of shooting pains behind the eyes and incessant chattering of millions of tiny demons. There they discovered a secret compound within the prefrontal region of the right hemisphere of the Fox News personality’s brain. Several makeshift constructs provided shelter amid the dissociative disorder, screened from the outside world by a hedge of overgrown amnesias.

Arrested at the scene was the house’s owner, Beck’s own dominant personality, “Big Glenn.” He confessed to the kidnapping and is now being evaluated by a brain care specialist.

The inner child was able to identify himself under hypnosis. “We’re going to wait for the word association and Rorschach tests, but at this point we’re 99% confident it’s him,” said Escher Police public information officer Harley D. Spiedtrapp.

Glenn Beck has lived in fear of liberals, Communists, fascists, and Depression era bas reliefs ever since his inner child was abducted in broad daylight in 1991. It happened in front of his family’s home in Mount Vernon, just down State Route 20 from small, dusty and rarely visited Escher.

News of the inner child’s discovery brought tears of joy to Beck’s lesser, submissive personality “Wee Glenn,” who witnessed the abduction. During a brief appearance Friday night in front of the Mount Vernon house, Wee Glenn cried with relief as he recalled the suspicion that fell on him, chiefly accusations made by maternal enabling personality “Aunt Glenda.”

“She said it was all my fault. Until yesterday I was a suspect,” said Wee Glenn. Pointing to the upstairs window from which he saw the inner child being dragged away all those years ago, he said he tried to run outside to give chase. “But the stairs going down kept taking me back up,” he said.

Medical staff at St. Copay Memorial Hospital in Mount Vernon said Beck’s inner child has been reunited with his family of personalities, but said reintegration could take many years.

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Where it happened
Wee Glenn Beck points to bedroom window where he witnessed inner child’s abduction