Tag Archives: global warming deniers

NASA honors Bachmann

NASA announced today it is bestowing its highest civilian honor upon Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) in recognition of the assistance she gave the International Space Station (ISS) over the weekend.

The conservative lawmaker beamed with pride as flight director Buzz Frandle presented her with the award, the Space Cadet certificate, and pinned a pair of plastic wings on her lapel.

“On Saturday, astronauts reported a warning light on the U.S. module’s carbon dioxide removal system,” Frandle said, reading from the official proclamation.

“Under our engineering and science-based operating protocols, the system needed to be repaired or a dangerous build up of CO2 would occur,” Frandle said.

“We received a call from Rep. Bachmann, who told us our protocols are invalid because carbon dioxide is a natural byproduct of nature. She said life can’t exist without CO2, so we shouldn’t worry about the malfunction.”

Station personnel resumed normal activites Sunday without the purification system, although according to Frandle overly cautious European, Russian, Canadian, and Japanese crew sealed themselves off from the American section, and lowered their CO2 to dangerous levels using the Russian module’s air scrubber.

However, flight engineeer Michael Barratt reports all is well in the U.S. module. “Excuse me, I’m feeling kind of woozy and need to lie down for a while,” a cheerful Barratt told Bachmann by radio.

Bachmann spoke to Barratt by radio, and congratulated him on his good work. “Pay no attention to doubts of other countries’ astronauts, you’re doing great,” she told Barratt. Bachmann went on to say she plans to introduce legislation giving U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement strict control over foreign entry to the American module.

In other news, Sarah Palin’s resignation as Governor of Alaska became effective yesterday. In a final speech in Fairbanks, Palin told Alaskans she is “excited to become John McCain’s new vice senator.”

Alaska troops enter breakaway region – Canada warns drifting ice shelf will melt

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin ordered her state’s Army National Guard into a breakaway region of the Canadian Arctic today, a month after the 19 square miles of ice separated from Ellesmere Island.

Palin, the newly minted Republican Party nominee for vice president, said she does not accept Canada’s claim that the region is a piece of an ice shelf that broke off of Ellesmere, part of the Nunavut territory.

“Canadian scientists claim the ice shelf broke away due to global warming, and it will melt. Well I don’t believe in that,” said Palin, from an undisclosed location on the campaign trail with running mate John Sidney McCain III.

“It therefore follows that this is a land yearning to be freed from the yoke of socialized medicine, they have seceded from Canada, and are now floating toward sanctuary in Alaska,” Palin reasoned.

She then signed a gubernatorial proclamation naming the new land Ice Cuba.

The McCain campaign issued a statement praising Palin for her decisive action. It read: “My friends, this is the kind of leadership that shows how ready Sarah Palin is to become president should the need arise.”

Although the National Guard is trying to make contact with Ice Cuba resistance leaders, Palin said the primary mission is humanitarian. “Our brave citizen soldiers are even now fanning out to search for anyone who needs rescue or medical attention,” she said.

The governor added that the officer in charge of the effort, General Michael Brown, sent word from Ice Cuba that he expects people, elves and penguins will be found soon. “He’s doing a heck of a job,” Palin said.

When campaign reporters pointed out to Palin that penguins are Antarctic and elves are mythological, she disagreed. “Who says, science? Canadian science? Canadian socialized science? I don’t think so.”

“If Canada decides they want it back, they can’t have it,” said Palin.

“No one and no thing will stand in the way of Ice Cuban liberty, as surely as god told me to pray for a natural gas pipeline.”

“Our watchword shall be ‘Ice Cuba Libre’,” Palin declared with a flourish.