Tag Archives: hcr

Local insurance company repays bailout funds

Hi, I’m Thurston Powell, president and CEO of Westmost Mutual Insurance, with some great news for western North Carolina.

I’m pleased to announce that we have repaid our one billion dollar federal loan early, plus interest.

This second chance guarantees the company’s future, and frees us to operate without our executive compensation plan having to be approved by the government’s special master.

For me, it means I will again be able to receive my 20 million annual bonus.

We are grateful for the trust you have placed in us, and we are going to do right by the Westmost community and you, our valued policyholders.

So after fifty three years of insuring automobiles, homes and collateralized debt obligations, we are changing our name to MedHealthEx. We hope you will let us be Westmost’s neighborhood health insurance company.

MedHealthEx is going to be all about innovation. That’s why we are working with Nevada Senate candidate Sue Lowden to help make the dream of health insurance bartering a reality.

We’re calling it the Chicken Cooperative Plan — the Chicken Coop for short — and here’s how it will work.

Raising chickens is a lot of work, they take up room, and it’s a hassle to take them to your doctor’s office or hospital emergency room.

That’s where MedHealthEx comes in. With our partner Mount Pilot Farms we’re starting a fully-equipped chicken bank. Just leave your chickens with us.

Then when you go to a doctor who is in the Chicken Coop network, your doctor will submit a chicken claim to MedHealthEx. We will calculate the number of chickens and pay your doctor with chickens out of your account — less a number of chickens for our administrative costs, advertising, lobbying, and shareholder return.

We’re also going to have a catastrophic plan, where we only pay your doctor in eggs, and you make copayments of bacon.

MedHealthEx — charting the future of American health care. Because we need the eggs.

Ultraviolent Mexican drug cartel to close health insurance division

A ruthless and violent Mexican drug cartel has been driven out of the United States, a spokesman for the criminal organization said today.

In an exclusive phone interview with CNN, the spokesman, identifying himself only as “Caballero Uno,” announced the cartel known as La Organizacion has decided to cease operations of Meditrolex Insurance, a Connecticut company specializing in the individual health insurance market.

An estimated 2,500 Meditrolex bosses, underbosses, enforcers, and claims reviewers will lose their jobs.

Caballero Uno said the decision to shutter Meditrolex “is because of American socialism.”

“We decided to invest in America because we thought it was a good place to do business,” said Caballero Uno. “And we prospered. We lived the American dream, jacking up insurance rates 20, 30, even 39% in a year, then refusing to pay.”

“But now your Comrade Obama has ended free market capitalism. He is going to make us post our balance sheet online, and spend at least 85% on patient care instead of mistresses, yachts, firepower, and executive bonuses,” he said.

“Obamacare also interferes in the most fundamental nature of our business — telling us we can’t cut off people we think are bad risks. Well it’s just unacceptable, we’re pulling out and heading back to Mexico to focus on our core business,” Caballero Uno said.

Republicans seized on today’s news as proof the new national health overhaul is bad for the economy. “It’s a narco-jobs killer,” declared a visibly emotional Congressman John Boehner, the House minority leader.

Boehner said he plans to press La Organizacion to stay in the U.S., and intends to travel to Mexico for talks. “I hear they have excellent tanning there,” Boehner said.

Long lines mean Soviet-style shortages are here, Tea Party blogger says

President Obama is creating an economic disaster, a prominent Tea Party activist said today.

“Long lines for bread, clothing and toilet paper were common in the Soviet Union and now we’re seeing the same sort of thing here — long Apple Store lines means socialism has arrived,” movement leader Mike Vanderfrandle wrote in his well-known blog Americans Seeing Socialism Everywhere in Society (A.S.S.E.S.).

Interviewed by PC Üser Alles magazine, Vanderfrandle cited recent occurrences of long store lines in many parts of the country as evidence of shortages.

Vanderfrandle said he had a realization when he saw TV news coverage of customers waiting all night outside Apple Stores for the introduction of the company’s highly anticipated iPad tablet computer.

“I realized it had to have been caused by the Obama Administration’s tax and health care policies,” said Vanderfrandle, “a socialist, big-government fascist conspiracy against us in the Tea Party who only learned to type with two fingers.”

Explaining that he currently dictates his blog to a third grade student who can type, Vanderfrandle said a touchscreen computer would make A.S.S.E.S. and other right-wing bloggers more self-reliant. “An iPad just needs one finger to use, so obviously the Democrat Party has to prevent us from getting our hands on iPads,” he said.

Vanderfrandle doesn’t believe claims that lines at Apple Stores are long only because the iPad is so popular. “If it’s so popular why didn’t they simply make more of them in the first place? No, it can’t be a coincidence that this so-called shortage happened right after passage of Obamacare.”

And has Vanderfrandle ordered an iPad himself?

“Are you crazy? I’m on Social Security disability and Food Stamps, I can’t afford an iPad.”

In a closely related story, Vanderfrandle has blogged that all Tea Party bloggers should get iPads to replace their harder to use PCs. “Break Dell, Gateway, and HP! Break their Windows 7. Break them NOW. Reboot and break them again,” he wrote.

Gingrich calls health care overhaul elitist – Doesn’t cover legal fees for cancer ward divorces

Former Congressman Newt Gingrich today blasted the nation’s health care overhaul legislation, calling it elitist.

The former House Speaker’s remarks came only minutes after President Obama signed the measure into law in a White House ceremony.

“I’m opposed to this elitist legislation, which does nothing to help with the crushing legal fees of the tens of thousands of assholes who would serve divorce papers on their wives who are in post-op recovering from cancer surgery,” Gingrich told Fawn Craven this morning on the Fox News program Craven Journalism.

“The reality today is that only rich assholes can afford to divorce sick wives, whether with cancer or some other disease. Insurers should be required to cover divorce expenses of poor assholes too — trading up to a trophy wife should not be based on income, not in my America,” Gingrich said

Gingrich said he would work to repeal health care reform, and seek to have it replaced with a more comprehensive reform that would include federal subsidization of alimony payments.

Obama, Pelosi pay $2500 for $500 Dodge van – Plan summer Apology Tour

President Barack Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi followed yesterday’s passage of federal health care reform legislation by purchasing a 1985 Dodge Astrovan for $2500. The van was put up for sale for $500 in the Washington Post classifieds by Ms. Ina Surance of Hartford, Connecticut.

Obama and Pelosi will use the van during a June nationwide Apology Tour — two weeks driving from Washington, DC to California, stopping along the way to apologize to the Democratic base for the health care overhaul, which:

  • lacks a public option
  • mandates Americans to buy health insurance from for-profit companies
  • subsidizes coverage by giving taxpayer dollars to insurance companies
  • fails to repeal antitrust immunity for insurance companies, and
  • does not bar preexisting conditions for group insurance plans, and
  • leaves intact the geographic disparity in Medicare reimbursement rates

This morning Obama and Pelosi went before the Washington press corps to celebrate the van deal. Obama described his negotiating strategy: “When I saw the van was $500, I immediately offered Ms. Surance $600. When she said $500 was all it was worth, I kept bidding it up until finally she agreed to accept five times her asking price,” Obama said.

The Speaker agreed it was a good compromise. “We could have taken the Amtrak public option, coast to coast for $524 in USA Rail Passes. Except Rahm Emanuel agreed with Mitch McConnell beforehand that we wouldn’t do that,” she said.

Journey rushed to hospitals after Democrats stop believin’

Current and past members of the 1970s-80s supergroup Journey were separately rushed to hospitals Friday after millions of Democrats stopped believin’. Doctors say supporters of President Obama stopped holding on to the feelin’ after Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated she would not insert the public option into health care reform reconciliation legislation now in the House.

In his Saturday weekly radio and internet address, President Obama urged streetlights, people hold on.

The end of believin’ sent shockwaves up and down the boulevard between the White House and Capitol Hill. Democrats, neighbors and strangers from coast to coast who have been waiting for real health care reform vented their displeasure at the White House and Democratic Congressional leaders, jamming switchboards of progressive talk radio and overloading servers of Daily Kos and Huffington Post.

Signs that Journey was being affected became public after former lead singer Steve Perry was admitted to South Detroit Medical Center suffering from extremely bad vibes. Shortly afterward reports circulated that guitarist Neil Schon, drummer Steve Smith and bassist Randy Jackson were in California emergency rooms suffering from similar symptoms.

“The acute musician senses picked up on Democratic disillusionment that is sweeping the country,” said Dr. Maya Ize of the National Institutes of Rock & Roll Health. “The increase in people not believin’ was too much negative energy for current and former Journey members, resulting in a rise of bad vibes to near-toxic levels,” Dr. Ize said.

Health care reform activists regretted the impact on Journey, but said Democrats have stopped believin’ in President Obama’s health care reform effort. “We were believin’ Obama when he campaigned on health care reform and the public option,” said Franklin Delano Frandle, spokesman for People for the Unethical Treatment of Insurance Companies, a group favoring a single payer system.

“But after more than a year of delay in Washington, we no longer have open arms for the Obama approach. We fear a deal has been made in a smokey room between Congress and insurance lobbyists,” he said, adding: “citizens facing escalating insurance rates can’t afford to pay anything to roll the dice.”

Independent Senator Bernie Sanders of Vermont agrees on the need for a public option. “Without a public option it won’t be real reform. Some will win, some will lose, and some will sing the blues,” said Sanders.

“There has to be a public insurance option to compete with private insurance, otherwise this midnight train isn’t goin’ anywhere,” he said.

In other news, the woman at the center of the John Edwards scandal says she is penniless. In a photo spread for GQ, Rielle Hunter revealed how Elizabeth Edwards has actually sued Hunter’s pants off.

Shock! Limbaugh backs health care reform

Radio host Rush Limbaugh endorsed the Democratic health care reform legislation in Congress yesterday, surprising listeners and winning praise from liberals.

“If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” the conservative talker told a caller to his program.

Support for reform in the House and Senate immediately shot up, as members were deluged by constituent phone calls and emails urging they take Limbaugh up on his offer.

A snap poll taken last night by Stan Dardeviasian of Dardeviasian Opinion Research showed that after Limbaugh said he would leave the country, public support for health care reform increased to 80 percent — up from 65 percent last Friday.

“Rush Limbaugh has finally given the American people something they can agree on about health care reform, providing the final push to get it over the top,” said an obviously pleased House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Thanks to Rush, we now have an overwhelming majority in both houses of Congress, we should have this wrapped up by the end of the day,” she said.

In recognition of Limbaugh’s support, Pelosi said the reconciliation bill would be renamed the Buy The Big Fat Idiot A Ticket On An Omnibus to Costa Rica Act.

iNews Friday, 3/12/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Canada defeats USA in overtime
Translation: Eric Cantor calls loss a defeat for Obama – “Time to get out the Zamboni and start over with a smooth sheet of ice”

Headline (photo mode):

Translation: Fortress of Solitude torched by pro-Luthor marchers

Headline: Buffett offers few hints about successors
Translation: No one laid back enough to be next mayor of Margaritaville

Headline: Tea Partiers use Fox to deliver ‘palm message’ to Palin
Translation: “This is your left hand” “This is your right hand”

Headline: How To Identify Census Takers
Translation: Bite marks on census taker’s leg identified as Michele Bachmann’s

Headline: Bunning quits filibuster
Translation: Bunning pitches imperfect game

Headline: NC congressman wants Ronald Reagan put on $50 bill
Translation: Can only be used to pay off national debt

Headline: Sebelius tells insurers rate hikes causing fear
Translation: Insurers say fear a preexisting condition

Headline: Michele Bachmann Reverses Herself on the Census
Translation: Will count herself as -1 persons

Headline: Sebelius calls for openness in insurance rate hikes
Translation
: Insurers classify openness as “experimental and investigatory”

New magazine jolts publishing world – TSA body scans to appear in “Public Screenings”

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

“Public Screenings” will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public’s insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.


Gibbs
Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life — including the rich and famous. “The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen,” Gibbs said, adding: “Whoopsie.”

OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.

However, the private sector publishing world denounced “Public Screenings” as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

“Americans don’t want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,” said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

“This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes,” Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. “Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners — provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order,” said Lechér.

“Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,” he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. “I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft,” Hume told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

The GOP’s fresh faces – Health reform makes plastic surgery “legitimate campaign expense”

The Republican Party has high hopes for its prospects in midterm congressional elections, and they are crediting health care reform.

For even though no GOP senators voted for the measure that passed 60-39 on Christmas eve, a little-noticed provision of the bill stands to put slates of fresh new Republican faces on ballots this fall. “Thanks to health care reform, plastic surgery is now a legitimate campaign expense,” said Rep. Kevin McCarthy of California, chief deputy whip to minority leader John Boehner.

“America has the best privatized health care system in the world, and we are going to use that system to help us take back control of Congress,” said the Bakersfield Republican.

At McCarthy’s direction, Republican incumbents and recruits alike are being booked for appointments with the best Beverly Hills and Manhattan cosmetic surgeons.

“We will have the newest-looking, tautest candidates on the campaign trail this summer. Voters will be too busy looking at them to pay attention to what they’re saying,” he declared.

One of the first lawmakers McCarthy signed up for a makeover is Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota). “I think Michele will benefit from extensive work around the eyes, to soften her weird undead vibe,” McCarthy said.

Asked whether there wasn’t a danger Bachmann and others might no longer be recognizable to constituents, McCarthy said: “We’re counting on it.”


Bachmann
Her health plan covers dental sharpening, night vision.