Tag Archives: hypocrisy

Sanford announces 2012 run – “No time left for adultery”

Pleading with reporters to “keep an eye me,” Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina today announced that he is ready to take responsibility for having an extra-marital affair by running for the 2012 Republican nomination for president.

Sanford follows in a tradition of Republicans who atone for personal or professional wrongdoing by not stepping down.

Reiterating his remorse at carrying on an affair with penpal Maria Belen Chapur, an Argentine divorcee, Sanford said he is apologizing to his wife, his children, the people of South Carolina, and the Republican Party by seeking the GOP nomination, and being elected leader of the free world.

“I have very little left to hide,” said Sanford, after striding on stage to strains of Connie Francis’ “I’m Sorry” played over a sound system.

“Seeking my party’s nomination for president means I won’t have time to fool around on my wife Jenny. And when my children want to know where daddy is on Father’s Day, for the next three years the answer will be Iowa. Or New Hampshire,” Sanford said.

Sanford went on to add that “quitting is for members of the Democrat Party,” and cited Gary Hart and John Edwards as examples of politicians who voluntarily stepped away from public life after revelations of marital infidelity.

Sanford said he is running under the slogan “Mark Sanford: Keeping It In His Pants for America.” He asked journalists to keep him on the straight and narrow, declaring, “I call on reporters to turn the bright klieg lights of scrutiny on me follow me day and night.”

“Bug my phone? Yes, please. Telephoto lenses? Tell me which way to face. Round the clock surveillance? Just honk and I’ll have my motorcade slow down so you can keep up,” Sanford promised.

Sanford departed the press conference in “Palmetto State One,” a flatbed truck carrying a diorama of a Motel 6 room, with one wall made of clear Lexan, in which Sanford will sleep while on the campaign trail. There will always be at least one light on in the room.

In related news, South Carolina First Lady Jenny Sanford has signed an endorsement deal to become national spokesperson for Dog-o-Watt Inc., manufacturers of low-voltage training collars for dogs.

Outrage at N.Y. Governor – Republicans say Spitzer forgot to apologize to Jesus

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer yesterday admitted he had been caught by a federal investigation into an international prostitution ring.

“I apologize first and most importantly to my family. I apologize to the public to whom I promised better,” Spitzer said Monday in a brief appearance at his Manhattan office. “I have disappointed and failed to live up to the standard I expected of myself. I must now dedicate some time to regain the trust of my family.”

However, prominent Republican critics say Spitzer forgot someone important in his apology.

“Who cares about family, the public and his standards — Jesus is the one deserving an apology. And he’s still waiting,” said Francis F. “Fifi” Frandle, GOP image consultant and ethics guru.

“Just call me the right wing’s little moral compass,” jokes Frandle.

“Whether a Republican is caught with an escort, chasing Congressional pages around a desk, tap dancing in an airport men’s room, or leaking the name of a CIA agent, the first person he seeks forgiveness from is Jesus,” said Frandle. “This is because when someone takes the oath of office, your hand is on the Bible and you swear to god, Jesus’ dad, who gave Moses the Constitution on stone tablets.”

“After Jesus, the big Kahuna, you don’t need to apologize to anyone else. Which is important, because apologizing to ordinary people undermines a Republican’s natural position as a leader,” he said.

“If someone still gives you a hard time, you tell them Jesus has already given you a pass, and it’s none of their business.”

And if the controversy still won’t go away? Frandle says there is a standard hierarchy that can be blamed: “alcoholism, chemical dependency, dehydration, secular progressives, George Soros, the designated hitter rule, and, finally, Satan.”

At the White House, a gleeful President Bush said the fact that Spitzer was caught as the result of intercepted communications proves the effectiveness of the government’s warrantless wiretapping program. “If the terrorists try to hire high-priced call girls, we’ll get ’em,” Bush said.