Tag Archives: iNews 9000

iNews Friday – 3/7/2008

Headline: Northrop-Airbus team wins aerial tanker deal
Translation: U.S. approves economic stimulus package for Europe

Headline: ELF suspected in 3 home arsons
Translation: Turned to crime after North Pole downsizing

Headline: Primates Crossed ‘Tropical’ Bering Strait to US, study finds
Translation: Minutemen to focus on zoos

Headline: Memoir a fake, author says
Translation: Margaret B. Jones claims amnesia “forced me to guess”

Headline: The mandate debate
Translation: Mention mandate and suddenly Larry Craig is all for health care reform

Headline: Fukudome may shift to No. 2 in lineup
Translation: Baseball announcers seek euphemism for Cubs outfielder

Headline: Sure way to ignite Mariners’ slugger Richie Sexson – Ask him about 2007
Translation: Sexson “as dry as kindling” – tealights, magnifying glasses, hotfoot banned from spring training

Headline: Congressman Renzi pleads not guilty in fraud case
Translation: –if that is his REAL name

Headline: Prince says yacht tour of Caribbean will be ‘green’
Translation: Environmentalist formerly known as Prince pledges to stop purple rain

Headline: Boeing to debrief Air Force
Translation: Angry executives pants generals after losing tanker contract

Headline: Rare Helen Keller Photograph Discovered
Translation: John McCain mysteriously cropped out of 1888 photo

Headline: McCain Wins Bush’s White House Embrace

Headline: Housing market gets a shot in the arm
Translation: U.S. economy shot in the Fannie Mae

iNews Friday, Special Illustrated Edition – 2/29/2008

Headline: Serbs blame U.S. for violence

Live long and prosper Translation: “Highly illogical” for U.S. to burn own embassy, Vulcan Girl Scouts say

Woodland Park Zoo orangutans turn 40

Translation: Rush Limbaugh has birthday

Headline: With Big Dig done, Boston pursues new look
Translation: Cradle of independence motif “so 233 years ago”

Headline: English nearing one million words
Translation: Terms for anatomy, parentage, human waste, Republican already number two million

Translation: Conservative blogs link Oscar refusal to wear American flag pin to foreigners winning Best Actor, Actress

Headline: Oil Hits a High; Some See $4 Gas by Spring
Translation: Detroit developing engine that burns bundles of Twenties

Headline: As Inflation Rises, Home Values Slump, Data Show
Translation: “Sit up straight and none of your back-talk,” Bernanke scolds Home Values

Headline: Rockets’ Yao out for season
Translation: U.S. meant to fire rocket at Central China, not Chinese center

Headline: Polygamist Jeffs now in Arizona jail
Warren Jeffs Translation: Why the long face?
Translation (Turbo Mode): This time Jeffs is the bride

Headline: Poll – Majority of fans think Clemens is lying
Translation: Clemens a surprising second to McCain as Texas primary nears

Headline: William F. Buckley Jr. dies at 82
Translation: William F. Buckley Jr., 3,000,000 B.C.-2008
Translation (Turbo Mode): Crypto-fascist to be buried with 21-clipboard salute

Headline: Microsoft foresaw Vista problems
: Those aren’t bugs, those are ‘features’

Headline: The Other Boleyn Girl
Translation: Starring Cindy McCain and Vicki Iseman

Headline: Pelosi wants Bush aides investigated
Translation: Bolten and Meiers deny taking steroids

Headline: Bush will host NATO Secretary General Jaap de Hoop Scheffer at the White House on February 29
Translation: Bush proclaims Feb. 29 shall henceforth be known as “Annual Yappy Hoops Heifer Day.”

iNews Friday – 2/22/2008

Headline: Kosovo declares its independence
Translation: Nation constructs, removes, burns world’s largest bra

Headline: Bush to Discuss Trade, Malaria in Ghana
Translation: Bush says free markets will lead to cheaper malaria

Headline: Africa Excited About Bush
Translation: Half of Fraternity Brothers Also Excited About Bush, Other Half Interested in Kosovo

Headline: Ghana welcomes Bush but wants no US military
Translation: Sorry, but they install that at the factory

Headline: Ghana’s Kufuor unveils George Bush Motorway
Translation: All traffic must travel new circular highway in Reverse gear only

Headline: Castro Resigns as Cuba’s President
Translation: CIA calls cancellation of Beard Death Powder, Exploding Cigar research programs “coincidence”

Headline: US Sanctions on Cuba Likely to Remain Intact
Translation: Cuba must agree to reduce literacy, raise health costs

Headline: DVD format war ends as Toshiba surrenders
Translation: Bush hails peace with Japan

Headline: John McCain and the Telecom Lobbyist
Translation: McCain ‘friendship’ covered by Retroactive Immunity

Headline: Microsoft’s New Leaf on Interoperability
Translation: Will continue to offer updates and support for Inoperability

Headline: Kirstie Alley to leave Jenny Craig
Translation: Kirstie returns to Star Trek – portrays starship Enterprise in new film

Headline: Mariners’ moves, direction leave Ichiro hopeful
Translation: Ichiro hopeful about midseason trade to contender

Headline: 10 die when Amazon ferry collides with fuel barge
Translation: Cheney calls for moment of silence to remember the lost fuel

iNews Friday – 2/15/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator:

Headline: Redskins Hire Jim Zorn as Head Coach
Translation: Sinful to play on the Lord’s Day, says Zorn – what with team’s new daily prayer meetings, how about Tuesday mornings?

Headline: Washington Vote Counting Stopped, McCain Declared Winner
Translation: Republican counters ran out of fingers, toes

Headline: ‘Tactical mistake’ to focus on me, Bush warns Democrats
Translation: Says the big planning wonk

Headline: Ex-Boeing engineer charged with theft of Space Shuttle secrets for China
Translation: China announces new fortune cookies that can withstand the heat of reëntry

Headline: US arrests four ‘Chinese spies’
Translation: Will exchange for Five Chinese Brothers

Headline: Yahoo rejects Microsoft’s $44.6B bid
Translation: Gates rips Ballmer a new one – “we’re supposed to buy out SMALL companies with good products we can put our name on, dammit”

Headline: Australian Aborigines Prepare for Historic Apology
Translation: Paul Hogan apologizes to crocodiles and Dundee, Scotland

Headline: What Will Erik Bedard Bring to the Marniers?
Translation: Tequila and lime juice, presumably

Headline: Clemens Tells Congress He Is Innocent
Translation: Blames Huck, Jim, Becky Thatcher

Headline: Clemens – My Friend ‘Misheard’
Translation: “Reports of my steroid use are greatly exaggerated”

Headline: Clinton’s Challenges Ahead
Translation: Will be challenging results of Wisconsin, Ohio, Texas primaries

Headline: PETA vs. the Dog Show
Translation: Beagle denies taking Great Dane hormones

Headline: Obama chipping away at Clinton voters
Translation: Cheney mulls implanting chips in Clinton voters

Headline: House Republicans walk out
Translation: Had to get to Duke Cunningham’s big garage sale

Headline: GOP wrestles over earmarks
Translation: Larry Craig appears on Senate floor in his own sequined wrestling costume

Headline: Bush ’41’ to endorse McCain
Translation: “Mr. President, I’d appreciate your support this fall.”
“What?” “Your support, I’d appreciate it this fall.” “The mall? Bar an’ I went last Friday.” “TGI Fridays?” “Fried eggs???” “I don’t have time for this.” “Huh? About 11 o’clock.”

iNews Friday – 2/8/2008

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator:

Headline: Hamas to Work with Egypt to Seal Border with Gaza Strip
Translation: Ziploc promises new Gaza Strip design totally leak-proof

Headline: US strike on Qaeda leader seen as limited success
Translation: Qaeda fails to settle with writers – Bin Laden videos placed on extended hiatus, reruns to start March 1

Headline: Pentagon is split on Iraq withdrawals
Translation: “We explained very clearly when Iraq opened its account that there would be a penalty for early withdrawal”

Headline: Police take Britney to hospital
Translation: Sting drives, Andy Summers programs the GPS, Stewart Copeland films it for documentary

Headline: Giants upset Patriots
Translation: Super Bowl schadenfreude sweeps the nation

Headline: Bush wants more Earth monitoring
Translation: “Earth is where the terrorists live,” Bush says

Headline: Scientists Grow Human Skin In France
Translation: Built-in odor of Gauloise smoke masked by cologne

Headline: Limbaugh Weighs In
Translation: Highway Department demands damage deposit to use truck scales

Headline: Super Tuesday Hangover
Translation: Good bye, Suuuper Tuesday / what’ll a fading Huckabee do?

Headline: US: al-Qaida in Iraq training children
Translation: Bush says SCHIP veto was anti-terror move

Headline: White House says waterboarding not torture
Translation: No permanent injuries, say Avalon and Funicello

Headline: CIA Destroyed Tapes as Judge Sought Interrogation Data
Translation: Porter Goss’s Rosemary Woods impression was hit of 2005 CIA Thanksgiving party

Headline: Clinton, Obama camps split along generational lines
Translation: On your mark, let’s start: the Democratic Family Feud!
Headline: McCain’s next test: Convince the right
Translation: Unfortunately, Leni Reifenstahl no longer available to direct campaign video

Headline: Little progress in airport security
Translation: What TSA needs is a $25 dollar charge to check your bag

The Week in iNews

To Ragebot readers: Original R&D work on the iNews family of Wi-Fi Headline Translators was done by Air America Radio’s old morning show. That prototype unit, the Model 5000, was acquired by Wiseline Institute Northwest in early 2007 at a garage sale. An OS update CD found at a Pike Place Market pawn shop upgraded it to Model 9000 Turbo.

Ever since it has been activated most Fridays at Mr_Blog’s Left Turn. By special arrangement, we are pleased to install it here on Ragebot for your enjoyment.

From the iNews 9000 Turbo Wi-Fi Headline Translator:

Headline: Israel wants Egypt to reseal Gaza border
Translation: No economic stimulus package for Palestinians

Headline: Bush – faith helped beat addiction to alcohol
Translation: “Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines”

Headline: M’s will need more than Bedard
Translation: Seattle pitchers and catchers report to Lourdes

Headline: I-90 closed at Snoqualmie Pass due to avalanche
Translation: Huckabee, in search of landslide, yodeled

Headline: #3 al-Qaeda Leader Killed
Translation: Continued vacancy at #2 hailed as “makin’ good progress”

Headline: Schwarzenegger Endorses McCain
Translation: McCain pledges to build “Skynet” computer-based defense system

Headline: Cable Snafu Cuts Internet Access in India
Translation: Indians unable to email selves for tech support

Headline: Messenger’s Pictures From Mercury Surprise Scientists
Translation: Queen front man, thought dead, returns – will tour with Zeppelin this year

Headline: Chicago voters join early voting trend
Translation: Fetuses now outnumber dead in voter registrations

Headline: Giuliani’s epic collapse
Translation: Only received 911 votes in Florida