Tag Archives: jan brewer

N. Korea not joining Arizona boycott – “my kind of xenophobes”

(Phoenix) San Francisco, Los Angeles, Minneapolis, and Seattle are among the growing number of cities adopting a boycott of the state of Arizona over that state’s new draconian immigration law. But one government is bucking the trend: North Korea.

Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer announced today she had received a letter of support from the reclusive Asian nation. “Arizonans can rest assured that their state is not alone in the world, we have friends standing with us,” Brewer told reporters at the Executive Office Building this morning.

A copy of the letter was released by the North Korea Honorary Consul and Espresso in Phoenix. In it, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Il denounces the boycott as “a tool of those promoting open borders,” and praises Brewer and the citizens of Arizona. “Any people who take action to keep out the alien hoards are my kind of xenophobes,” Kim wrote.

Kim also includes an offer of economic and technology aid — linkages Brewer says she is keen to develop.

“It turns out that the very Californians who are boycotting us control power plants right here in the Grand Canyon state,” said Brewer, “and Hoover Dam is half in Arizona, but was built by and still owned by the U.S. government.”

“I’ve recently learned that those constitute an imperialist presence in Arizona. If we purchase nuclear power technology from North Korea we can build our own nuclear power plants, and end once and for all our dependence on big government hydroelectricity,” Brewer said.

The governor also said she plans to seek an in-kind payment arrangement with North Korea, so that any nuclear technology acquisition does not worsen the state’s budget situation. “For example, Supreme Leader Kim has let us know that his country is experiencing a serious tequila shortage,” she said.

Pharaoh enacts tough new immigration law

May 17, 2193 BCE

(Memphis) Pharaoh Nefer reluctantly enacted a strict new immigration law last night, a response to a wave of popular sentiment opposing the presence in Egypt of the children of Israel — also known as Hebrews, or simply Jews.

The Egypt For Egyptians Act requires royal constables to question any person if there is reasonable suspicion they are Hebrew. The new law directs that anyone found to be Hebrew is to be deported, in a mass operation code-named Exodus.

The new law is an effort to quell virulent anti-Hebrew sentiment sweeping the Valley of the Sun God, instigated by Jan Brewertiti, the conservative Lower Kingdom Vizier, who blames the children of Israel for a host of problems including unemployment, chariot accidents and obscene hieroglyphics.

The immigration controversy is the latest in a series of political setbacks for the Nefer administration, chief among which are the series of plagues. The tenth and latest plague afflicted firstborn male children. However, the immunity of Hebrew firstborns has given rise to conspiracy theories blaming the children of Israel for the so-called ‘Passovergate.’

The conspiracy theories came to a head when political activist Horli Taytsankhammun publicized her claim that Moses, a senior aide to Pharaoh Nefer, is not Egyptian but a Hebrew. Taytsankhammun maintains she has clay tablets proving Moses is an ‘anchor baby,’ found as an infant floating in a Nile wetland by Pharoah Pepi II’s daughter.

“The fact that Moses has been given power in the royal palace is just one example. We need to stop all of the two million children of Israel who are taking away jobs from real Egyptians.”

On the other side, civil rights activists says the children of Israel should not be blamed. “The Hebrews are basically slaves,” explained Cleopatra Djones of the Amenhotep Civil Liberties Union. The organization helped plan a recent pro-Hebrew rally on the campus of Blessed Be The Spirit of Ra Community College.

Djones said Hebrews are doing jobs native Egyptians don’t want. “These include low paid or back breaking work, such as building pyramids, cleaning villas, gardening, and clerking at Khufu-Mart.”

The Pharaoh’s new law should have targeted slavedrivers, added Djones — the people and businesses offering the no wage jobs with no benefits. “Taking slaves is driven by demand, not by the slaves,” she said.

However, the momentum remains with Vizier Brewertiti and the anti-immigrant activists, who succeeded in inserting Operation Exodus — the mass deportation — into the Egypt For Egyptians Act.

Today palace spokesman Horus Senseman provided details of Operation Exodus. “Next month the Hebrews will be marched east to the Sinai Peninsula, with a military escort under Pharaoh Nefer’s personal command,” said Senseman. “We wish the Jews the best, and hope they find a long-term home in the land known as Palestine.”

Hawking warns of alien danger – Physicist made honorary citizen of Arizona

(Phoenix) The state of Arizona has honored one of the world’s leading scientists. Governor Jan Brewer issued a proclamation today making renowned physicist Stephen Hawking an honorary citizen of Arizona.

“Normally we Arizonans don’t have time for education except for collegiate football and basketball, but Professor Hawking’s recent warnings against making contact with aliens reverberated with many in the Grand Canyon State who share his concerns,” Brewer told reporters after signing the proclamation.

Brewer said she is worried about the effect on public education if there were to be enrollment of small, spindly aliens depicted in movies such as ET and Close Encounters of the Third Kind. “Children of more advanced species would drive drive test scores through the roof, human children wouldn’t be able to compete,” said Brewer.

“Why, our university football and basketball programs would have fewer in-state recruits who could play against teams from states with fewer aliens,” she said.

The governor also said Hawking’s observations had implications for the economy. “Professor Hawking’s warning about huge spaceships is also very concerning. Those ships could have technology capable of trimming hedges, skimming swimming pools, cleaning hotel rooms, and preparing food for almost no cost — meaning they’ll be able to take jobs away from human Arizonans,” she explained.

“It is for these reasons I am recognizing this great man. By making Stephen Hawking an honorary Arizonan his ideas are no longer strange and foreign, so Americans can feel free to study them without feeling like a European intellectual.”

Reached for comment by the BBC, Hawking thanked Brewer for the honor. “I am looking forward to visiting Arizona some day. It would be interesting to meet politicians who are so dumb their IQs can’t be calculated — but I could give it a try,” Hawking said.