Animal rights activists are celebrating today, upon news that the city of Pamplona, Spain will bar bulls from running in the annual San Fermin festival encierro, or the running of the bulls.
“We have long held that the running of the bulls amounts to torturing animals for entertainment,” explained activist Teva Espadrille.
“Maybe not as bad as if the bulls were forced to watch the CBS series “Eleventh Hour,” but still pretty bad. We certainly applaud the leaders of Pamplona for being more humane than Jerry Bruckheimer Productions,” Espadrille said.
Instead of actual bulls, festival organizers say they have searched the world over for replacements that best epitomize bull-like qualities.
“What or who could display the single-minded aggression and fury of el toros? That is the question that has preoccupied us since the animal rights activists first began harshing on our unique cultural celebration,” recalled Pamplona cultural affairs officer Francisco Ybarra y Frandello.
“But when American conservative media reacted to President Barack Obama’s economic recovery plans, we found our answer: business reporters.”
As a result, CNBC personalities Jim Cramer and Rick Santelli have been booked to run at Pamplona this July. They will be accompanied by Chicago Mercantile floor traders, since Cramer and Santelli alone — while equivalent to 5-6 half-ton adult bulls — cannot be considered a full stampede.
Espadrille and her fellow activists think the Pamplonan solution is a good compromise. “We think it is a humane example for the world to follow, while satisfying the human impulse that finds thrills in fleeing from dumb brutish animals.”