Tag Archives: joe lieberman

DINOs, Employment, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Technology

South Carolina wins 2nd production line – “They threw everything at Santa” -Mrs. Claus

The fierce competition to determine the site of a second North Pole production line has been won by South Carolina.

The announcement was made yesterday by Northex, the North Pole’s Oslo-based holding company that also owns Kris Kringle Worldwide and Rudolph Organic Compost.

“South Carolina has shown us it offers the best business and labor climate for our expanded operations,” said Angelina Claus, Northex CFO and wife of Santa Claus for 371 years. “Also, they threw everything at Santa in terms of tax breaks and other incentives” to build the new toy factory in the Palmetto State, she said.

South Carolina officials, decked out in pointed slippers, velvet breeches, belled hats, and other gay apparel, gathered in the state capitol of Columbia for celebrations that stretched late into the night. “South Carolina puts the SC in ‘Santa Claus’ — and ‘Christmas,’ now that you mention it,” said a jubilant Gov. Mark Sanford.

It was Sanford’s personal, secret negotiation of a trade pact in Argentina earlier this year that sealed the deal. Now having a physical corporate presence in South Carolina gives Claus an opening into the lucrative Argentinian toy market currently, controlled by competitor Father Christmas.

Other incentives committed by the state include tax exemptions on in-state purchase of reindeer fuel and gift wrap, and a waiver of environmental regulations for Santa’s capital projects. In addition to the new assembly plant in Charleston, Santa also has plans for a three-runway sleighport and a new project for his Nat King Coal division, which would be the world’s largest open pit mine.


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Barbie’s Dreamliner
Behind schedule

Santa Claus went looking for a new production site earlier this year after negotiations with the elf union, the Arctic Federation of Labor, broke down over the AFL’s refusal to agree to a no work stoppages deal. Santa had demanded the provision after stoppages caused expensive delays in the Barbie’s Dreamliner program.

State House Speaker Bobby Harrell summed up the state’s victory: “Today, South Carolina kicked the asses of a bunch of greedy little elves.”

In contrast, the decision has touched off a firestorm north of Canada.

“Christmas is ruined,” said Elf spokesman Gruffudd Greenbuckle said, and went on to say that work stoppages were a phony issue.

“Periodically elves have to perform a little dance, while singing merry toybuilding worksongs. It’s in our DNA, and it only takes about a minute at the top of every hour, everyone knows this,” said Greenbuckle.

“Santa used it as an excuse to betray our centuries of loyalty, and is blatantly cutting costs at the expense of the little guy,” said the three foot tall Greenbuckle. “Health insurance reform with a strong public option would do more to lower costs,” he said.


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Lieberman
Stole Democrats’ 60th vote

Greenbuckle and other elf leaders are calling upon federal lawmakers to intercede. “Keep the North Pole at the North Pole, we say ‘let’s stay together’,” Pole City Mayor Holly Mistletoe wrote in an e-mail to Rep. Al Green (D-Texas), chairman of the House Oversight of Holiday Observances Committee (HOHO Committee). A spokesman for Green said his committee would take up the issue after the holiday recess.

However, elf assistance legislation is a non-starter in the Senate, according to Homeland Security Committee chairman Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman-CT).

“Christmas, shmistmas. The North Pole is an axis, with elves whose union supports the public option. Protecting America from this axis of elf evil is my top priority,” Lieberman said.

Humor, Media, Satire, Society

Obscure company dumps Tiger Woods

Accenture has severed ties with golfer Tiger Woods, following a deluge of negative publicity surrounding Woods’ conducting extramarital affairs with over a dozen women.

“After several years of the endorsement deal, we’ve decided to end the relationship,” said Accenture spokesman Art Andersen.

However, Accenture’s reason is not because of Woods’ admission of infidelity. In a recent poll, 1,200 persons contacted thought Accenture is a meat tenderizing liquid.

“The average person has no idea what Accenture is or what we do,” said Andersen.

“You’d think for all the money we’ve been paying Woods, that today Accenture would have the same name recognition as Rachel Uchitel. I mean, who do I have to sleep with to get that kind of notoriety?” he wondered.

In other news, Connecticut has severed ties with Senator Joe Lieberman, following a deluge of negative publicity surrounding Lieberman’s extramarital affairs with over a dozen insurance companies.

DINOs, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Lieberman celebrates green win

Hello, I’m Joe Lieberman, and I want to tell all of you how close America recently came to losing one of its most precious ecosystems — the health insurance industry.

We all depend on this delicate food web of premiums, co-payments, deductibles, MSAs, and MSA deductibles.

It’s a breathtaking example of the wonder of nature at work. There are predators and prey. Some live; some die; some have their claims denied. The lucky ones live to have their claims denied another day.

It’s a circle of life, death, and preauthorizations.

Interrupt this cycle and there would be a health care feeding frenzy. And my home state of Connecticut has one our most sensitive habitats, where some barely survive on tenuous 30-40% profit margins.

Thus you can understand why, when President Obama first broached the subject of reform, I was distraught. “You’re killing the ecosystem!” I told him.

Luckily a group of concerned Senate conservativationists awoke to the threat of affordable health care. Ben Nelson, Mary Landrieu, and Blanche Lincoln are among those who joined me in defeating a strong public option. It was a momentous green victory — meaning millions of pieces of green paper will continue flowing into our campaign treasuries.

It’s often said that even stepping on a butterfly can cause major alterations in the environment. Or maybe that was time travel. Whatever. We can celebrate that insurance companies won’t be added to the endangered species list any time soon.

We can be grateful our children — and their children — won’t have to go to a zoo to see a medical bankruptcy.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Foxx moves to preempt health reform terror

Saying America has more to fear from a government-managed health insurance option than terrorism, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (R-NC) today introduced sweeping legislation that would place health care reform on a national terror watch list, among a host of security measures.

Foxx’s bill, nicknamed the USA PATIENT Act, has veteran Washington insiders buzzing due to its inclusion of funds for:

  • A Health Legislation Security Administration, a superagency with TSA-like powers. HLSA would screen everyone entering the Capitol, to prevent members of Congress from carrying in reform proposals.
  • Members of the Progressive Caucus, such as Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, would be on a special Public Option Watch List and required to take off their shoes when screened.
  • Coverage for Americans lacking insurance would be contracted to Black Cross, a new division of Xi, the international security firm formerly known as Blackwater. Black Cross claims adjusters would have immunity from prosecution, but would be paid on commission.
  • Makes interfering with a health insurance claims department a violation of FAA regulations. Violators would be violated and then detained in a shipping container without food or water.
  • Establishes a color-coded Public Option Terror Alert System. Black would denote Elevated risk of a Public Option, while High risk of a Public Option is indicated by Black. A Low risk of a Public Option is Black. It is the same color-coding sequence Foxx used a year ago to alert constituents to the election of Barack Obama.

Foxx also called on the White House to immediately launch attacks on Kucinich with unmanned drones.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (Connecticut For Lieberman-CT) said he is supportive of Foxx’s legislation. Noting the estimated cost of the PATIENT Act is $800 billion over ten years — $71 billion less than a Democratic plan if it includes a robust Public Option — Lieberman commented, “See? It IS better to do nothing.”

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Lieberman offers health reform plan – “Private option” would give Treasury to insurance companies

Sen. Joe Lieberman introduced his own health care reform proposal today, one relying on private insurance and cost-cutting. The measure is the Connecticut Indepublican’s first move since announcing his opposition to any Democratic bill containing a government-run public insurance option.

Lieberman calls his bill “the private option.”

Under Lieberman’s plan, the U.S. Treasury would be transferred to a consortium of the nation’s largest health insurance companies led by Wellpoint and United Health. Giving all the public’s money directly to health insurance companies would lower costs by cutting out the middleman, according to Lieberman.

“Insurance companies are currently saddled with the enormous cost of collecting thousands of metric tons of cash from our doctors offices, hospital rooms, ERs and piggy banks,” he explained.

“This is an expensive proposition.  Twenty cents of every health care dollar currently pays for picking up that dollar from wherever it is, and moving it to the joint insurance industry vault at the United Health Group in Minnetonka, Minnesota,” said Lieberman.

“The private option will end this practice.  By giving the entire U.S. Treasury to the insurance companies, you’re paying them when you pay your taxes. Now that’s what I call introducing efficiency into a system,” he said.

Lieberman’s proposal is already receiving positive comments from both sides of the aisle.  Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) says there is much to like about the private option. “My wife is on the board of Wellpoint, and I can’t tell you the number of times she has thrown out her back from lifting bags of cash.  A private option means she wouldn’t have to risk her health like that anymore.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner echoed Bayh’s support. “The current system isn’t just expensive, it’s also wasteful. When they move the cash they don’t always have enough bags, and some of it inevitably falls out of the wheelbarrows. Ending that waste, it should be at the top of our list,” Boehner said.

Humor, Law, Politics, Satire, Society

Notes from the Transition – Minnesota town to hang ’em high

The election of Barack Obama means change is coming. But what kind of change? In this series we check in with individuals and communities across America, and ask them: What has already changed since November 4? What changes are you still looking forward to, and how are you getting ready?

Part 2 in a series

Bachmann
Bachmann

(Stillwater, MN) The excitement in this town northwest of Minneapolis is palpable, with news media from the world over arriving to cover the loyalty hearings that get underway December 15. The hearings are being initiated by Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who has become the Republican Party’s leader on loyalty verification issues.
      “Michele Bachmann said we need to expose who’s pro-America and who’s anti-America — and now it’s actually going to happen,” said an excited Cameron Kirk Frandle, who describes himself as a professional Christian.
      “It’s a perfect blend of church, state and spectacle,” Frandle said.
      Stillwater residents say the publicity surrounding the Bachmann Hearings, and the out of town visitors it brings, are good for the local economy. Restaurants are doing a brisk trade, and many hotels have started taking reservations for fall of 2009, when Bachmann promises the first in a series of public hangings.

(Connecticut) Change for Senator Joseph I. Lieberman means settling into his new role as chairman of the Select Committee on Getting Harry Reid Coffee. Reports Lieberman: “There’s not much to do, since Mormons don’t drink coffee. As a result, I have plenty of time for things like adding to my Hummel collection and keeping up with The Young & Restless.”

Zan-Tor - floating on air.
Zan-Tor - floating on air.
(Algona, WA) Zan-Tor, a malevolent energy cloud-being, was a John McCain supporter. But these days he is describing himself as upbeat. “Amazing thing happen to Zan-Tor,” said Zan-Tor.
      “Zan-Tor feed on fear and hate. But there is less fear and hate since November The Four, so Zan-Tor has been on diet,” he said.
      “Zan-Tor has lost much weight, Zan-Tor feel like new malevolent energy cloud-being.”
      Zan-Tor went on to say that his self-esteem has improved greatly, giving him the confidence to seek a promotion at the Washington Department of Licensing office where he has worked for the last 3 million years, “or maybe it just seem that long to Zan-Tor.”

Burton shows how to put a teensy hole in a condom.
Burton shows how to put a teensy hole in a condom.
(Peyton, CO) Law student Kristi Burton, 21, authored an amendment to the Colorado state constitution that would have defined life as beginning at conception. On November 4 the proposal, Amendment 48, was rejected by 73% of voters.
      Now Burton has a new cause: an amendment that would define life as beginning at 40.
      “I saw what a great time Governor Palin had when she ran with John McCain also, and what a great contribution she made, even though she’s so old,” said Burton.
      “I can only hope I too will have that much youthful energy to run wild, have fun, and demolish the electoral viability of the neoconservative movement when I am in my forties, if I am so blessed to reach such an advanced age.”

Humor, Politics, Satire

McCain renews call for bipartisan bailout – Connecticut For Lieberman Party joins coalition

Seeking to salvage the $700 billion Wall Street bailout bill that went down to defeat Monday in the House of Representatives, Senator John Sidney McCain III today called for continued bipartisan cooperation to secure the bill’s passage.

But McCain gave a characteristically maverick spin to his call for unity, reaching across the aisle not to the Democratic majority, but to the next largest minority caucus, the Connecticut For Lieberman Party.

“Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process,” said McCain, referring to Democratic rival Barack Obama,  in describing why the bailout failed 205-228.

“So that doesn’t work. Okay. I’m adaptable. Therefore what we need is a process with necessary partisanship, and that means an alliance between Republicans and Connecticut For Lieberman,” McCain said.

Senator Joe Lieberman (Connecticut For Lieberman-CT), Connecticut For Lieberman leader in the Senate, welcomed the opportunity to make a difference. “The Connecticut For Lieberman Party accepts Senator McCain’s invitation,” said Lieberman.

“We look forward to a constructive, bipartisan relationship that will allow us to achieve great things for the states of Connecticut and Israel,” Lieberman said.

Lieberman went on to say that although the Connecticut For Lieberman Congressional Caucus only has two members, they have a proven strategy for increasing its clout.

“Free market principles are guiding us in that area,” said Lieberman, explaining that he and House counterpart Brian Baird (Connecticut For Lieberman-WA) will use investment leverage, borrowed from the very financial community they hope to rescue, in order to give their two votes the power of up to 80 votes.

“It’s a very safe investment of political capital,” Lieberman said.

Humor, Politics, Satire

Lieberman tries to out-Kennedy Kennedy – Had pre-convention brain surgery

©2008 Wiseline Institute Northwest

Sen. Joe Lieberman (No Fixed Party-CT) was only trying to prepare to give the best independently partisan convention speech of his life when he checked into the Neurology Department of the National Naval Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, last week.

It was the former Democrat’s simple wish to provide a rallying point for this week’s 2008 Republican National Convention in St. Paul. “It was Lieberman’s intention to undergo elective brain surgery,” said Lieberman aide Ben Arnold. The idea was to give the same inspirational focus that Sen. Ted Kennedy personified by his appearance at the Democratic National Convention following surgery to battle brain cancer, Arnold said.

However, what doctors found gave Lieberman the scare of his life.

Adm. Prefontaine Loeb MD, who led the neurosurgery team, had been expecting a challenging procedure. “This is Joe Lieberman’s brain we’re talking about, so we knew going in that hours and hours of microsurgery would be involved,” Loeb recalled in an exclusive interview with Wiseline Institute NeWs Service.

Loeb was astounded by what he says he encountered. “After about a half hour, we realized nothing looked like it was supposed to. The specialists we called in confirmed our worst fears: Joe Lieberman is chopped liver,” Loeb said.

Shocked, the doctors quickly applied matzos to the senator’s brain and vital organs and continued the best they could with the procedure, technically a lobotomy.

“But ‘lobotomy’ is such a charged word,” Loeb cautioned.

“No one will be able to tell the difference, though. Speculating on the effect a lobotomy has on Joe Lieberman is in angels-on-the-head-of-a-pin territory,” he said.

However, because Lieberman is chopped liver, his quest to become John Sidney McCain III’s running mate was effectively at an end. Gov. Sarah Palin received that honor last Friday.

But Joe Lieberman’s decision to soldier on despite his surgery was the biggest human interest story of the Republican convention thus far, and delegates welcomed him with a huge turncoat ovation when he took the stage Tuesday night.