Tag Archives: joe wurzelbacher

Humor, Politics, Satire

GOP’s new idea man – Unveils Joe The Plumber’s new brand strategy

When new Republican National Committee leader Michael Steele told ABC “This Week” host George Steffigraffilos, “I’m not going to wait for them to come to me, I’m going to take it to them,” in response to an FBI investigation into whether Steele improperly diverted more than $37,000 in campaign funds to his sister, he was employing a new damage control technique created by Samuel Joseph “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher.

“Joe calls that tactic ‘Republicans Deliver’,” explained a source close to the RNC who wished to remain anonymous.

“Meaning, like, deliver. Take it to ’em — you know? Look ’em in the eye when they’ve got you cornered. Kick ass.”

The source said Wurzelbacher came up with a number of fresh ideas for the minority party on Feb. 3, when he went to Washington DC at the invitation of the Conservative Working Group. The CWG is an organization of formerly influential Capitol Hill staffers, who now serve as gofers “and need stuff to do,” according to CWG member Morley Frandle.

“We peppered him with questions all day, and he came up great stuff on damage control, economic stimulus, foreign policy, and image rebranding,” said Frandle.

Frandle recalled what happened when Steele heard about what CWG was up to. “He sat in with us, he’s a huge Joe fan. He loved the stuff Joe gave him about standing up to the Obama administration — accept Obama’s invitations to White House parties, drink his booze, then don’t give him a single vote. Brilliant, in-your-face kinds of stuff that’s going to save the country from socialism,” said Frandle.

GOP leaders in Congress would not confirm today if their legislative strategy came from Wurzelbacher. Likewise, Steele’s office would not confirm his use of ‘Republicans Deliver.’

However, Frandle said Republicans have focus group tested a number of Wurzelbacher-authored advertising concepts. The slogan participants chose to lead the GOP into the 2010 elections is: ‘Republicran — It’s Republican plus the great taste of cranberry! Now with Twice the R!’

The ‘Republicran’ ad campaign is expected to hit TV, radio and the internet later this year.


Also today: “Happy Birthday, Darwin” (Wiseline Institute NW)

Humor, Politics, Satire

Joe The Plumber gets a job – Will find leaks for Palin

The lightning rod of the final month of the 2008 presidential campaign has found employment — and it’s in plumbing.

Joe “The Plumber” Wurzelbacher, last minute convert to the losing cause of Republican John Sidney McCain III, said today he will be relocating from Ohio to Alaska, where he has agreed to be the plumber for the unofficial Sarah Palin 2012 presidential exploratory committee.

In order to acquire the training he did not get as an unlicensed plumber in Ohio, Wurzelbacher has enrolled in the G. Gordon Liddy Institute of Plumbing.

Wurzelbacher says he is already halfway through the program, a ten-day course that includes a grant for tuition, with enough left over to purchase tools of the plumbing trade, such as rubber gloves, small electronics, walkie-talkies and duct tape. “Luckily I already have some of those things, so I have some pocket money,” says Wurzelbacher.

“I’ll be traveling a lot after graduation, visiting all the Palin 2012 offices that are going to be set up, and other places, looking for leaks,” he said.

His first job will be to find the source of ‘scurrilous rumors’ about Governor Palin’s ‘wardrobe’, ‘expenses’ and ‘intellectual ability’. “Those terms haven’t been covered in class yet. They must be pipe-jockey slang for fixtures, gaskets and stuff not in the plumbing textbook,” Wurzelbacher said.

Humor, Politics, Satire

McCain plans transition – Who will be nonredistribution czar?

Buoyed by new polls showing him only 10-14 points behind Democratic rival Barack Obama, Republican presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III today instructed his campaign advisers to begin planning the details of his transition for when he takes office in January 2009.

McCain transition director Edward J. Smith would not name who is on their short list, but did offer clues.

“It’s mostly pretty simple. What will a McCain Administration look like? Well, he supported President Bush’s policies 90 percent of the time, so if you thought he would retain 90 percent of Bush’s cabinet and staff, I’d say you were very warm,” said Smith.

Smith said a lot of focus is on selecting a cabinet level appointee to be in charge of preventing wealth redistribution. This “Nonredistribution Czar” would be in charge of policies to maintain the current concentration of wealth among large businesses, and individuals earning more than $250,000 a year.

“I wouldn’t disabuse anyone if they thought Joe Wurzelbacher is on the short list, he’s an obvious candidate,” Smith said, adding that the czar’s salary would be $40,000 per year.

Smith went on to say the big question of the McCain transition is who in the Bush inner circle will not be invited back. “Not even the job of First Lady has been decided,” he said.

“John McCain is a maverick, so he doesn’t consider that position to be immune from a little shake-up,” Smith said.

Economics, Humor, Politics, Satire

“Obama will raise our taxes” – Lottery players group gives nod to McCain

Saying Barack Obama’s tax policies will be bad for its membership, the American Sweep Stakes and Lottery Investors Coalition (ASSLIC) today gave its 2008 presidential endorsement to John Sidney McCain III.

“ASSLIC’S FOR MCCAIN,” proclaims a banner on the organization’s website.

The ASSLIC endorsement could be a key boost for McCain, who trails Democrat Obama by as much as 10 points in some polls with only 13 days to go until election day.

McCain welcomed the endorsement, saying it shows voters want low taxes on the rich, just in case they should hit the jackpot themselves. He also took the opportunity to reach out to the millions of American lottery ‘investors,’ as ASSLIC members like to be called. “Lottery tickets are good because they are a totally voluntary form of taxation,” said McCain.

“My opponent doesn’t understand that by raising taxes on those who win smaller jackpots — low income lottery investors — he’s discouraging everyone from playing lotteries, which fund education among other things. That’s what’s important. Raising taxes on lottery winners would hurt education,” McCain said.

Typical among ASSLIC members is the story of Moe The Gambler, the now-famous probability optimist from Northwood, Ohio. Joe approached Obama last week as the Democratic nominee was campaigning in the Toledo suburb. Going up to Obama, Moe The Gambler asked: “I’ve been playing the same numbers for 10 years, and am getting ready to win $250,000 in the Ohio state lottery. You’re going to raise my taxes, aren’t ya?”

Obama explained his proposed tax cuts would actually benefit Moe. “Look. I’m giving a tax cut to everyone making less than $250,000,” Obama began.

“Now, if you take your lottery winnings in a series of annual installments, that’s less than $250,000 a year. Under my plan you get a tax cut. Even if you take your winnings as a single lump sum, up-front, that’s less than $250,000 too,” Obama explained.

Moe thanked Obama for talking to him. But later, in interviews on the Cartoon Network and Fox News, Moe The Gambler said he just didn’t believe what Obama said.

“A Democrat cutting taxes blows my mind, it makes my head hurt. I can’t understand it, so I’m just gonna call it socialism and head over to the track,” Moe The Gambler said.

In a related story, during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania yesterday, McCain accused Obama of wanting to shrink the pie and replace it with a falafel.