Tag Archives: john boehner

Government, Humor, Politics, Satire

Tea Party leader – “doing all we can to end big government” by using as much of its services as possible

A Tea Party founder said today that his movement’s fight against big government is succeeding. TeaParty.org president Dale Robertson also denied ever reading racist signs at Tea Party protest rallies.

“We are doing all we can to end big government by signing up for all the government handouts we can,” Robertson told Geuters news service.

“A socialist government needs money to exist, we can kill it by by using as much of its services as possible and draining all the money out of it,” he said.

“Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, and unemployment benefits — especially unemployment– Americans who love their country should sign up to overload all these collectivist programs and bankrupt them,” Robertson said.

Robertson went on to advise patriotic Americans to use food stamps to purchase meat. “The USDA can only check so much meat for E. coli. What we want is to buy more meat than government’s capacity to inspect, forcing it to admit defeat and shut down food safety,”

The former Marine said he was already fighting the government takeover of health care by using Veterans Administration single-payer medical services as much as possible. “I am also taking a stand against the socialist bailout that saw government take over too big to fail insurance companies like AIG. I’m burning things down and filing claims,” he said, explaining the tactic has the added benefits of straining collectivist fire departments, and clogging the collectivist public street system with emergency vehicles.

Robertson said he drew inspiration from President Ronald Reagan in designing his anti-big government strategy: “Back before President George W. Bush privatized a lot of the military, Reagan poured billions into single-payer defense spending, forcing the Soviet Union to overspend on its collectivist military. This brought an end to the Cold War.”


Robertson
Admits Tea Party movement is illiterate

“Washington is going to get our message that socialism benefits no one, loud and clear,” Robertson said confidently.

Robertson also reacted to critics who have called the Tea Party movement racist. “I have never read a racist sign at a Tea Party rally, nor do I know anyone who has. We’re all basically illiterate,” he said.

In other news, House Minority Leader John Boehner said today that he is among the millions of Americans who could be made penniless due to the new tax on tanning parlors imposed by the new health care overhaul.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Sports

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

GOP lines up to back new Afghanistan strategy – “Time to start over with a clean occupation”

With fighting approaching its ninth year and operations against insurgents entering a new phase, Republicans in Congress today launched a new effort to reform U.S. policy on Afghanistan.

“It’s time to start over with a clean occupation plan,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, the minority leader.

“The American people don’t want the president’s costly, complicated plan. What we need is to find what Republicans and defense contractors agree on and proceed step by step, in a bipartisan fashion,” McConnell said.

Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee also stated the need for cooperation. “Now see here, I, I say, instead of trying to strike di-rectly at Taliban insurgents, we should go step by step, boy, stopping to re-view each move in a series of committee hearings. It’s time to reset the number of tours our troops have served in Afghanistan to ze-ro, and start over with a clean occupation plan, I do de-clare.”

In the House, GOP whip Eric Cantor likened President Obama’s Afghanistan policy to a strategy game he tried to learn when he was a quiet, science-fiction loving teenager in Richmond, Virginia. “What we have now is like that game Risk. Infantry, cavalry and artillery, routes and territories — it’s way too complicated.”

“It’s time to clear the board and throw all the cards and gamepieces on the floor — start over by rolling the dice and going step by step with a clean occupation plan,” Cantor said.

In a related story, House minority leader John Boehner attacked the White House’s proposal to seek out defense waste and fraud using a network of undercover citizen investigators, posing as arms buyers. Boehner called the idea “a government takeover of the military.”

“The American people like the Blackwater they have and want to keep it. What the people want is to control costs, and to do that we need more private, market-based solutions for defense,” said the Ohio lawmaker. Citing tort reform as an example of a way to lower the cost of frivolous lawsuits against firms whose employees rape fellow employees, Boehner announced plans to lead a fact finding mission to Iraq. “I hear the tanning there is excellent,” he said.

Humor, International, Media, Politics, Satire

Secret Service investigating party crashers – McConnell, Boehner not on guest list

The U.S. Secret Service is promising a thorough investigation today, following the embarrassing disclosure that a pair of uninvited publicity seekers succeeded in entering last Tuesday’s White House state dinner for Prime Minister Manmohan Singh of India.

Sen. Mitch McConnell and Rep. John Boehner, the leaders of the Republican minority in the Senate and House respectively, made it past White House security and mixed with politically relevant people.

Photographs posted on their Live Journal page — Boehner in black tie, and McConnell attired in a beautiful, red Indian style gown with gold trim — show the lawmakers chatting with other guests including the First Dog, Bo, and being served cocktails by Vice President Biden.

Security concerns were further raised by photos showing them in the receiving line, greeting the President, First Lady Michelle Obama and Prime Minister Singh. Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said there was never any danger to the First Family or their guests. “All guests were screened at the front gate for metal objects and teabags,” said Gibbs.

“The only direct interaction was when John Boehner asked the President directions to the little boys’ room,” Gibbs said, adding
that McConnell and Boehner were not seated at dinner in the main tent. Rather, they had sandwiches at a card table, set up for them in the historic White House Rec Room.

The party crashers are drawing extra media scrutiny due to their being among the subjects of an upcoming reality TV program, CSPAN’s Unreal House Members and Senators of Washington DC. “Our camera crew followed them as they shopped and got dressed to go to the dinner — but we didn’t think they’d actually get in,” said Byron Sheep, CSPAN spokesman.

“We intended for this to be a comedy show about a couple of people who oppose everything the president stands for and want him to fail. Yet still want to be part of the pomp and circumstance, and whine about not being invited,” Sheep said.

Humor, Politics, Satire

GOP acts to stem closures of oriental carpet stores

The Neverending Sale
GOP wants ORAL

A wave of closures in the oriental carpet retail sector has provided a potent new issue for critics of President Barack Obama’s economic policies.

The stores, known as Oriental Carpet Dealers (OCD), offer Persian rugs, Oriental rugs, Kilims, and area carpets at unbelievable prices. They are a familiar sight in shopping districts across the United States.

Yet all is not well with the OCD, with Department of Commerce statistics showing more than 5,000 OCDs closed in the month of August. But now the OCD cause has been picked up by Republicans anxious to point out shortcomings in the president’s policies toward business.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minnesota) is leading the GOP charge over the plight of the carpet businesses. Leader of the newly formed Oriental Retail Assistance Legislation (ORAL) Group of House Republicans, Bachmann went on FOX News Channel’s O’Reilly Factor yesterday to describe what is happening in malls and on Main Streets across the country.

Bachmann told host Bill O’Reilly that she passed no less than a dozen Oriental Carpet Dealers on her drive to Capitol Hill that morning, “and all of them had huge banners proclaiming ‘Going Out Of Business – Huge Savings’,” said Bachmann.

“This portends an economic disaster. I want to find a great ORAL way to stop further losses of businesses, including ones owned by hard-working floor covering sellers who come from places such as Karastan and Belgian Congoleum,” Bachmann said.

The legislation would get $2 billion into the hands of American consumers, in the form of vouchers for 10% off when buying two or more carpets at already low, low prices. Vouchers would be distributed via Valpak mailings.

House Minority Leader John Boehner endorsed Bachmann’s plan. “What are Americans who want to shop for carpet that matches their drapes supposed to do? The number of OCD closures is clear evidence of an economic disaster caused by Democrat policies,” he said.

Added the visibly emotion Boehner: “We should be slashing prices, not commerce. This wholesale slaughter of retail must be stopped, it should be at the top of our list.”

If it passes the House, Bachmann’s bill would need to be woven into a Senate version, S. 69, written by Sen. John Ensign of Nevada. Ensign heads up another GOP panel working on the issue, the Senate-House Analysis Group (SHAG).

“The interest we see today in ORAL-SHAG legislation gives me hope the unraveling of the oriental rug business can be stopped,” Ensign told a packed press conference.

Humor, Politics, Satire

“AIG!” becomes official shriek of Peanuts

Desperate to repair its sinking image in the face of public outrage over $160 million in executive bonuses, American International Group announced today it has negotiated a marketing agreement in which the troubled insurance giant will align its troubled brand with that of the beloved Peanuts comics characters.

The deal is worth an estimated $300 million to MetLife Insurance, which has partnered with the Charles Schultz characters for decades. Officers of both companies held a brief morning ceremony to cement the agreement, after which they went yacht shopping.

The first AIG ad to feature the Peanuts gang — based on one of the feature’s longest-running gags — hit the streets by midday: “AIG!” on Charlie Brown’s lips, as Lucy pulls away the football.

AIG spokeswoman Paulina R. Flack said the deal is a good investment in the future. “A strategic alliance with family-friendly cartoon characters means goodwill and warm-fuzzies for AIG, and it is well known that Wall Street operates on confidence,” said Flack.

“We are aware of the importance of being responsible in spending the federal government’s 80% stake in AIG, we think the people will be pleased at how we are turning things around,” she said.

Flanders
Flanders

Administration critics are not so sure. “This is an outrageous example of socialism!” declared Rep. Ned Flanders (R-Ohio).

“Peanuts are ultra-liberal, pinko, secular characters. AIG needs to answer why they ignored the myriad conservative or religious cartoons,” he said.

Flanders cited Family Circus, Mallard Fillmore, and the Calvin praying to the cross logo as “examples of cartoons that real Americans want to see funded by their precious tax dollars.”