Tag Archives: John McCain

Palin quits Iditarod

Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.

Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.

After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.

Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.

Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.

“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.

However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.

And Bristol is expecting puppies.

In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”

McCain plans transition – Who will be nonredistribution czar?

Buoyed by new polls showing him only 10-14 points behind Democratic rival Barack Obama, Republican presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III today instructed his campaign advisers to begin planning the details of his transition for when he takes office in January 2009.

McCain transition director Edward J. Smith would not name who is on their short list, but did offer clues.

“It’s mostly pretty simple. What will a McCain Administration look like? Well, he supported President Bush’s policies 90 percent of the time, so if you thought he would retain 90 percent of Bush’s cabinet and staff, I’d say you were very warm,” said Smith.

Smith said a lot of focus is on selecting a cabinet level appointee to be in charge of preventing wealth redistribution. This “Nonredistribution Czar” would be in charge of policies to maintain the current concentration of wealth among large businesses, and individuals earning more than $250,000 a year.

“I wouldn’t disabuse anyone if they thought Joe Wurzelbacher is on the short list, he’s an obvious candidate,” Smith said, adding that the czar’s salary would be $40,000 per year.

Smith went on to say the big question of the McCain transition is who in the Bush inner circle will not be invited back. “Not even the job of First Lady has been decided,” he said.

“John McCain is a maverick, so he doesn’t consider that position to be immune from a little shake-up,” Smith said.

“Obama will raise our taxes” – Lottery players group gives nod to McCain

Saying Barack Obama’s tax policies will be bad for its membership, the American Sweep Stakes and Lottery Investors Coalition (ASSLIC) today gave its 2008 presidential endorsement to John Sidney McCain III.

“ASSLIC’S FOR MCCAIN,” proclaims a banner on the organization’s website.

The ASSLIC endorsement could be a key boost for McCain, who trails Democrat Obama by as much as 10 points in some polls with only 13 days to go until election day.

McCain welcomed the endorsement, saying it shows voters want low taxes on the rich, just in case they should hit the jackpot themselves. He also took the opportunity to reach out to the millions of American lottery ‘investors,’ as ASSLIC members like to be called. “Lottery tickets are good because they are a totally voluntary form of taxation,” said McCain.

“My opponent doesn’t understand that by raising taxes on those who win smaller jackpots — low income lottery investors — he’s discouraging everyone from playing lotteries, which fund education among other things. That’s what’s important. Raising taxes on lottery winners would hurt education,” McCain said.

Typical among ASSLIC members is the story of Moe The Gambler, the now-famous probability optimist from Northwood, Ohio. Joe approached Obama last week as the Democratic nominee was campaigning in the Toledo suburb. Going up to Obama, Moe The Gambler asked: “I’ve been playing the same numbers for 10 years, and am getting ready to win $250,000 in the Ohio state lottery. You’re going to raise my taxes, aren’t ya?”

Obama explained his proposed tax cuts would actually benefit Moe. “Look. I’m giving a tax cut to everyone making less than $250,000,” Obama began.

“Now, if you take your lottery winnings in a series of annual installments, that’s less than $250,000 a year. Under my plan you get a tax cut. Even if you take your winnings as a single lump sum, up-front, that’s less than $250,000 too,” Obama explained.

Moe thanked Obama for talking to him. But later, in interviews on the Cartoon Network and Fox News, Moe The Gambler said he just didn’t believe what Obama said.

“A Democrat cutting taxes blows my mind, it makes my head hurt. I can’t understand it, so I’m just gonna call it socialism and head over to the track,” Moe The Gambler said.

In a related story, during a campaign stop in Pennsylvania yesterday, McCain accused Obama of wanting to shrink the pie and replace it with a falafel.

Debate – McCain declares himself “the Rockford” in the race – Will run country like struggling P.I. business

(Hempstead, NY) The final presidential debate of 2008 took a dramatic turn tonight, with John Sidney McCain III overshadowing Democratic rival Barack Obama with yet another Hail Mary gambit.

McCain made his move during his closing statement. Following up on discussion of the economy that dominated the debate, McCain told the Hofstra University audience that the times call for drastic action.

“While the fundamentals of the economy are strong, the underpinnings of the economy are in deep doo-doo. Therefore it is time to take being a maverick to the next level,” he said.

“My friends, it’s time for me to be the rockford.” Continue reading Debate – McCain declares himself “the Rockford” in the race – Will run country like struggling P.I. business

McCain suspends campaign – Challenges Obama to work together on bailout of candidacy

Republican presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III today announced he is suspending his campaign, in order to focus on reversing the crash in McCain-Palin poll numbers.

“There are some things that transcend politics, and right now this sub-Obama poll crisis is first and foremost,” McCain told the annual convention of the Congress On Racial Non-Integration or Equality (CORNIE), an Appalachia-based Caucasian American organization.

“My paranoid, racist and xenophobic friends, it seems my campaign has been based on leveraging limited political capital. Lobbyists have invested heavily in me, but we are no longer able to sustain this bubble. My stock in fear and ignorance is almost worthless, and my poll numbers have plummeted,” he told CORNIE.

McCain said he would immediately return to the capital in order to fully concentrate on making and serving the food and beverages for a hastily-called Congressional Republican meeting to prop up McCain’s popularity.

The meeting, entitled ‘No More Years: Avoiding Five Decades in the Minority,’ could go round the clock and last several days, according to McCain.

“These senators and representatives will be working long hours on a plan to save my ass. They’ll need sandwiches, wraps, Caesar salads, and maybe an unexpected treat, I’m thinking spanakopita. With big oatmeal raisin cookies for dessert.”

“I’ll need a sous chef. I challenge my opponent to suspend his campaign, and join me in catering this important event,” McCain said, adding that he considers it more important than the third debate.

“Who is the real Barack Adolph Hussein Oswald Obama?” he asked.

“Is he someone who only puts himself first? Or will he answer this call to
put me first? We’ll see.”

McCain won, say malevolent energy cloud-beings – Post-debate poll

Republican presidential nominee John Sidney McCain III scored big with the important  malevolent energy cloud-being demographic in last night’s debate against Democratic rival Barack Obama, a post-debate snap-poll has found.

Of 280 malevolent energy cloud-beings surveyed by phone, 90% thought McCain had won, while 8% weren’t sure, and 2% favored independent candidate Ralph Nader.

Like “NASCAR dads” and “security moms” of recent elections, members of the hyperintelligent non-corporeal community have emerged as an important force in the 2008 election, due to the injection of charged issues of race, fear of terrorism, and an uncertain economy.

“McCain’s negative energy and dark soul attracts Zan-Tor,” said Zan-Tor, a malevolent energy cloud-being who works for the Washington Department of Motor Vehicles in Auburn, Washington.

“McCain has gone negative all this week, Zan-Tor feels That One will best adapt to serve Zan-Tor,” Zan-Tor explained.

“Zan-Tor feeds on conflict, and McCain will make the nations of the world fight. Zan-Tor supports this,” Zan-Tor said, going on to say that Zan-Tor can see the dark aura around McCain’s head.

Another malevolent energy cloud-being, a Florida resident who goes by the name Coul-Ter, said she feels McCain won the debate because he scared the most people.

“Coul-Ter is drawn to fear, and McCain scared the most Humans during the debate. He is like one of us. He scared them about health care, national security, and most of all the economy, the fear tastes good to Coul-Ter,” she said.

Malevolent energy cloud-being Rush-Limbaugh, perhaps the best known malevolent energy cloud-being-American, said malevolent energy cloud-beings back McCain and his running mate Sarah Palin because malevolent energy cloud-beings place a high importance on lack of education.

“Rush-Limbaugh says negative energy and fear come from ignorance,” Rush-Limbaugh observed, noting that McCain would make President Bush’s knowledge cuts permanent.

“McCain is the kind of guy malevolent energy cloud-beings want to drink a Human’s life energy with. The performance of McCain in this debate pretty much locked up his support among malevolent energy cloud-beings,” Rush-Limbaugh said.

McCain renews call for bipartisan bailout – Connecticut For Lieberman Party joins coalition

Seeking to salvage the $700 billion Wall Street bailout bill that went down to defeat Monday in the House of Representatives, Senator John Sidney McCain III today called for continued bipartisan cooperation to secure the bill’s passage.

But McCain gave a characteristically maverick spin to his call for unity, reaching across the aisle not to the Democratic majority, but to the next largest minority caucus, the Connecticut For Lieberman Party.

“Senator Obama and his allies in Congress infused unnecessary partisanship into the process,” said McCain, referring to Democratic rival Barack Obama,  in describing why the bailout failed 205-228.

“So that doesn’t work. Okay. I’m adaptable. Therefore what we need is a process with necessary partisanship, and that means an alliance between Republicans and Connecticut For Lieberman,” McCain said.

Senator Joe Lieberman (Connecticut For Lieberman-CT), Connecticut For Lieberman leader in the Senate, welcomed the opportunity to make a difference. “The Connecticut For Lieberman Party accepts Senator McCain’s invitation,” said Lieberman.

“We look forward to a constructive, bipartisan relationship that will allow us to achieve great things for the states of Connecticut and Israel,” Lieberman said.

Lieberman went on to say that although the Connecticut For Lieberman Congressional Caucus only has two members, they have a proven strategy for increasing its clout.

“Free market principles are guiding us in that area,” said Lieberman, explaining that he and House counterpart Brian Baird (Connecticut For Lieberman-WA) will use investment leverage, borrowed from the very financial community they hope to rescue, in order to give their two votes the power of up to 80 votes.

“It’s a very safe investment of political capital,” Lieberman said.

Republicans attack Vetting – Process denies blame for Palin, endorses Obama

The honeymoon is over between Republicans and Vetting.

Once widely relied upon as a management tool in the public, private and nonprofit sectors, Vetting has experienced a slump in popularity since it approved the selection of Sarah Palin to be the Republican vice presidential nominee.

“The post-convention bounce is over, Palin has revealed herself as inarticulate on the issues, and the Republican faithful wants answers,” said GOP official Pilate Hindenberg, who spoke to Wiseline Institute on condition of anonymity.

Hindenberg said people like Palin less the more they find out regarding her truthfulness, lack of executive, economic and foreign policy experience, and management of Alaska state government. “Republicans are wondering what happened, how Palin passed the Vetting process. They want to point the finger of blame at someone, and that someone is Vetting,” Hindenberg said.

Last Wednesday columnist George Will became the most prominent conservative to attack Vetting, likening the selection of Palin to Bill Buckner’s error in Game 6 of the 1986 World Series.

McCain supporters are particularly incensed that Vetting formally endorsed Barack Obama on Friday night, following the Democratic nominee’s first debate with John Sidney McCain III, held at the University of Mississippi.

GOP strategist and Fox News analyst Karl Rove, interviewing himself yesterday, accused Vetting of giving Palin a pass in order to give Obama an advantage. “Vetting’s endorsement of Obama serves as an indictment — Vetting is unfairly biased against incompetence and mediocrity,” Rove said to himself.

For its part, Vetting says it is not to blame. “You guys are the ones who created Palin. A broken company produces bad products. I’m just a protocol.”

“If you think about it, Sarah Palin is the ultimate end-product of the neoconservative movement of the past 35-ish years. While she therefore is not the most qualified to be vice president, she is the best qualified Republican. I did my job.”

Vetting said it is not worried about becoming a thing of the past, asking, “What are you going to do, NOT vet people anymore? With Regence University still churning out graduates?”

“I don’t think so,” Vetting said.

Sarah Palin’s Action Weather®

Sunny today, partly cloudy with chance of showers tomorrow, Putin looming on Wednesday.

McCain is alien lizard-person – Revelation doesn’t dim election hopes

Hoping for a fresh start after successive days of damage control on foreign policy, the meltdown on Wall Street and the qualifications of running mate Sarah Palin, GOP presidential hopeful John Sidney McCain III today admitted that he is actually an alien lizard-person.

The revelation was necessitated by an incident at a rally Saturday in Florida, when McCain was hugged very hard by an overenthusiastic supporter. Onlookers were shocked when the vigor of the embrace caused the surgical scar on the left side of McCain’s face to open — revealing it is not a scar after all, but an aperture in a skin mask.

McCain on Saturday
Revealed in Florida

Media photographers and news video cameras recorded images of reptilian skin clearly visible through the opening, just before McCain was hustled off by his Secret Service detail.

On Sunday morning McCain held a press conference to put a positive spin on his species status.

Meeting with reporters in the gardens of the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando, McCain took questions as he basked on a warm hard rock.
Fresh start on Sunday
The ‘new’ McCain meets the press

“I ask the American people that before they make up their minds, they hear what this alien lizard-person has to offer the country,” said McCain.

McCain reiterated his theme of change, also referring to it as molting. He said his planned reforms would help the economy, although stressing his belief that it continues to be fundamentally sound. “By fundamental, I mean the American workers, who continue to be hard-working and nutritious, as well as adaptable to conditions on many worlds,” he said.

“The alien lizard-people merely wish to serve man,” McCain said.

Aides to McCain say overnight polling shows voters are withholding judgment until they learn more about his alien lizard-person policies.

Roberta Sue Frandle, a homemaker, Wal Mart team member, housecleaner and fast-food worker from Algona, Washington, said she has an open mind about McCain. “It’s not like he’s a Muslim alien lizard-person,” she said. Frandle, who describes herself as pro-life, said she wants to find out more about McCain’s goal of maintaining the human race’s high breeding rate.

McCain also received strong support from his vice presidential running mate. “He is an alien lizard-man who served America bravely in Vietnam, and he has my full confidence,” Sarah Palin said after checking with her husband.

“And when I spoke to god this morning, he pointed out that the dinosaurs — which he put on Earth 5,000 years ago and turned into oil — are lizard-cousins to John McCain,” said Palin.

“This is just more evidence the McCain-Palin ticket knows more about energy than a community organizer,” she said. Palin went on to say the liberal media is ‘species-ist’ for focusing on the lizard-person story instead of the issues.

By late Sunday the Straight Talk Express seemed to be back on track. McCain ended the day on the offensive, challenging Democratic rival Barack Obama to a debate at Vasquez Rocks near Los Angeles.

Vasquez Rocks
Debate site is ready and waiting

In related news, McCain is struggling to explain a gaffe that occurred as he was being interviewed by a Miami radio station. Responding to a reporter’s question, McCain appeared to say that Spain is in the Romulan Neutral Zone.

McCain Throws Kitchen Sink at Self

This week the media finally acknowledged that John McCain is running a horrible campaign. As if they didn’t know this all along. Even John McCain knows it. In fact, he has been trying to lose. The man might be crazy, but he ain’t dumb. $700 billion in Wall Street buyouts with much more in the pipeline is a great reason for a presidential candidate to start calling people with suntans Macaca and then posting it on the front page of his campaign’s website. McCain even went so far as to name that rube Palin his running mate, but the liberal media just played it off as some genius move and then worked it into their elaborate and concerted effort to railroad McCain into the White House.

For his part, Barack Obama has done a genius job of pretending to want the job too, figuring that McCain and the media would stay true to form. Obama fell right into McCain’s trap.

Now the media is changing it’s tune at the last minute and Obama is totally screwed. He’s actually going to have to be President. The terrible fate that John Kerry was spared in 2004, will now befall Obama in 2008. It won’t go fast either. After four long, brutal years of trying to run a somewhat responsible economy and a coherent foreign policy, Obama will stress human rights, the environment and peace and he will subsequently be Jimmy Carter-ed out of existence. The next Ronald Reagan–Jeb! Bush–will take office in 2012 and it will suddenly be morning in America again.

The fact that the conservatives are so close to accomplishing this fiendish plan just goes to show how effective a political operator John McCain really is. He’s throwing the kitchen sink at himself. Sarah Palin–genius. His campaign won’t even rule out Phil Gramm as a potential Treasury secretary. This is ruthless, in-it-to-lose-it politics.