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GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

GOP lines up to back new Afghanistan strategy – “Time to start over with a clean occupation”

With fighting approaching its ninth year and operations against insurgents entering a new phase, Republicans in Congress today launched a new effort to reform U.S. policy on Afghanistan.

“It’s time to start over with a clean occupation plan,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, the minority leader.

“The American people don’t want the president’s costly, complicated plan. What we need is to find what Republicans and defense contractors agree on and proceed step by step, in a bipartisan fashion,” McConnell said.

Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee also stated the need for cooperation. “Now see here, I, I say, instead of trying to strike di-rectly at Taliban insurgents, we should go step by step, boy, stopping to re-view each move in a series of committee hearings. It’s time to reset the number of tours our troops have served in Afghanistan to ze-ro, and start over with a clean occupation plan, I do de-clare.”

In the House, GOP whip Eric Cantor likened President Obama’s Afghanistan policy to a strategy game he tried to learn when he was a quiet, science-fiction loving teenager in Richmond, Virginia. “What we have now is like that game Risk. Infantry, cavalry and artillery, routes and territories — it’s way too complicated.”

“It’s time to clear the board and throw all the cards and gamepieces on the floor — start over by rolling the dice and going step by step with a clean occupation plan,” Cantor said.

In a related story, House minority leader John Boehner attacked the White House’s proposal to seek out defense waste and fraud using a network of undercover citizen investigators, posing as arms buyers. Boehner called the idea “a government takeover of the military.”

“The American people like the Blackwater they have and want to keep it. What the people want is to control costs, and to do that we need more private, market-based solutions for defense,” said the Ohio lawmaker. Citing tort reform as an example of a way to lower the cost of frivolous lawsuits against firms whose employees rape fellow employees, Boehner announced plans to lead a fact finding mission to Iraq. “I hear the tanning there is excellent,” he said.