Tag Archives: memos

Cheney resting uncomfortably

Former vice president Dick Cheney is resting uncomfortably today, after being rushed to Guantanamo Bay Medical Center on Monday complaining of chest pains.

But the ex-second-in-commander-in-chief is never far from controversy and this time it has followed him to his hospital bed, with Cheney’s doctor defending against questions surrounding the treatment methods being used.

Cheney was home working on his memoirs when the chest pains started. “I was dictating into a tape recorder, but it wasn’t going well, the words weren’t coming,” explained Cheney, “so I told Dr. Yoo to torture me until I started talking.”

“He kept up the pressure until I had another three chapters,” he said.

Asked if he is still experiencing discomfort, Cheney replied, “Of course there’s discomfort, I love discomfort. But these were just twinges, I give myself worse taserings most mornings before breakfast.”

The revelation that Cheney’s personal physician, Dr. John Yoo, was present and actually caused the cardiac event was downplayed by Yoo himself.

“I’ve sent a paper — a long memo, really — to JAMA declaring cardiac torture is a valid treatment for a heart attack.” The paper is peer-reviewed, “I reviewed it myself,” said Yoo.

A copy of the memo obtained by reporters includes Yoo’s conclusion that traditional, non-torture cardiac intervention is allowable — so long as there is no “intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death.”

Yoo also responded to critics who question how a treatment can come before the event it is supposed to have treated. “The idea that Mr. Cheney should be restricted to a linear timeline is quaint,” Yoo said.

Cheney wants to be swine flu czar – Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.

“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”

Cheney - ready to grill our enemies
Cheney - ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.