Tag Archives: michael steele

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

Steele unveils GOP ‘Government Lab’

Declaring “Republicans must walk the talk,” GOP chairman Michael Steele said today he is managing the party according to the same policies it advocates for the United States.

“I am running the party as a de facto Government Lab in order to demonstrate to the American people what Republican leadership will do for the nation,” said Steele.

The centerpiece of the demonstration is strict adherence to conservative budget principles. “I have radically increased the Republican Party’s expenses since becoming leader,” he said, “spending more on private jets, limos, consultants, high-class lodging, fine dining and catering than any of my predecessors.”

“Combining higher expenditures with drastic cuts in membership revenue is sound Republican fiscal policy, proven during the flawless governance of the Reagan, Bush and Bush presidencies,” Steele said.

“The American people need to be reminded that our policies are what brought America to where it is today — poised on the edge of the future. Once reminded, they’ll forget Nancy Pelosi’s socialist plan for more jobs, fair taxation and affordable health care,” he said.

“We’re going to create a permanent Republican majority if I have to amass the biggest long term debt in the history of U.S. political parties,” Steele said.

GOP rebrands Dems as “Democrat Hussein Oparty”

The Republican National Committee today approved a resolution renaming the Democratic Party the ‘Democrat Hussein Oparty.’ The unanimous vote occurred during a special GOP conference.

When the Republicans announced last week that they would vote on the name change, White House Press secretary Robert Gibbs tried to laugh off the change. “Given the challenges that they face, that’s exactly the way I would be using my time too,” he said, chuckling.

And Democratic chairman Tim Kaine commented that the Republican resolution is “childish.”

However, one Republican said the name change has a precedent. “Democrats used to be called the Democratic-Republicans. But they started becoming un-American in 1844, when they dropped the Republican,” said former House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Prominent Republican Rush Limbaugh agreed, the conservative radio host saying “My egghead friend Newt is correct, we are only saying the Democrats’ name should reflect its leader, the socialist Barack Hussein Obama.”

Republicans took the action over the objections of their chairman, Michael Steele. On Sunday Steele told Meet The Press host David Gregory, “I don’t think that that is an appropriate way to express our views on the issues of the day.”

Limbaugh convened the GOP conference by calling Michael Steele a fraidy cat, giving him a wedgie, and throwing him into a locker.

Limbaugh then called Gibbs “a little baby pablum puker,” wondering aloud if the Obama spokesman wears a bib. Limbaugh worked the delegates into a frenzy, leading them in singsonging, “Gibbs wears a bib, Gibbs wears a bib.”

Limbaugh also gave Governor Kaine the name Candy. “I know you are, but what am I?” Limbaugh responded.

The name Democrat Hussein Oparty went into effect almost immediately, with House minority John Boehner believed to be the first to employ it.

Characterizing as “gross” accusations by Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the CIA had misled her about the use of torture on terrorism suspects, Boehner took to the House floor to call her claim “typical of Democrat Husseins like Speaker Pelosi, a gross San Francisco socialist. Grossy Pelosi, that’s what she is.”

“Grossy Pelosi, Grossy Pelosi,” Boehner said.

In other news, Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) was found today pantsed and hanging from a coathook in the Senate cloakroom. When asked to comment, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell merely stuck out his lower lip and shrugged.

No more GOP big tent – Can’t find claim check for REI repair counter

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele announced today that his party will no longer use a big tent approach to rebuild its electoral base.

Steele explained that he had decided to abandon the big tent at its current location, the gear repair counter at the REI store in Fairfax, Virginia. “There was a giant hole in the big tent, so Jack Kemp took it in for repair,” said Steele.

Steele said conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh damaged the big tent — an REI Base Camp model — during a teambuilding exercise in March in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

“Rush said he had to sleep in the big tent, but this meant there was no room in it for anyone else. And while he was in there, he burned the hole in the big tent with a lit cigar.”

Kemp, the former New York congressman who advocated broadening the party’s populist appeal, and was also the 1996 GOP vice presidential nominee, volunteered to drop off the big tent at the Fairfax REI.

However, on May 2 Kemp passed away from cancer, “and now no one knows where the claim check is,” Steele said.

Steele went on to say he tried to get REI to make an exception, without success. “It’s like that green-vested woman didn’t know who I am. And then I remembered: REI is a cooperative, it spreads the wealth among its members,” he said, making airquotes with his fingers.

“I think we all know what that means.”

A committee of GOP moderates led by former Secretary of State Colin Powell has started shopping for a new big tent. But an overwhelming number of Republicans question whether a new big tent is even necessary.

“In view of the Obama recession, the $400 to replace the big tent is an expense we can’t afford,” said former vice president Dick Cheney.

Speaking on the CBS News program Face The Nation on Sunday, Cheney told host Bob Schieffer that any conservatives in need of shelter can huddle in Limbaugh’s ample rain shadow.

“What’s more, his Docker pleated slacks have vast quantities of twill that make for an excellent windbreak,” Cheney said.

iNews Friday, Technical Difficulties Edition – 3/13/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Margaret Hamburg is President Obama’s pick to run the FDA
Translation: (What is that, a bump? More like a lump. It wasn’t there last week. Hey, I hold my cellphone on that side of my head…)

Headline: Romania president’s flashy daughter seeks EU seat

Translation: Elena Basescu shows her position on the issues

Headline: Kerlikowske is nominated to head nation’s drug control office
Translation: Drug czar relieved appointees no longer receive President-chosen nickname

Headline: Palin’s Teenage Daughter Splits from Father of Her Child

Translation: Gov. Palin buys new shotgun

Translation (Turbo mode): Levi Johnston gets milk for free – Plus 18 years of child support and college tuition

Headline: Obama Establishes White House Council on Women and Girls
Translation: Obama mother-in-law appointed to Greenland-based council

Headline: North Korean alert for “space launch”

Translation: OJ Simpson cast in Capricorn One sequel

You will also be amused by: Bachmann to host “America’s Next Top Michael Steele” – FOX News launches ‘Unreality TV’ genre

Limbaugh gets another apology – Bachmann sorry she called Steele “da man”

Broadcaster and de facto Republican Party leader Rush Limbaugh has netted another apology to add to his growing collection of mea culpas from important people who have slighted him in the media.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went before reporters today in Washington, DC, and officially withdrew GOP Chairman Michael Steele’s title of “da man,” which she bestowed on him just last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference. Bachmann called unforgivable recent public statements by Steele, in which he called Limbaugh an entertainer, and his show as ugly.

“I am so very, abjectly sorry I told Steele that he be da man instead of Rush, if anyone is da man it’s our leader Rush Limbaugh,” said Bachmann.

“You, you be da man, Rush!” she said, visibly emotional.

“In fact, it is my distinct, deep, pleasure to apologize to Rush. And I do mean pleasure,” said Bachmann, winking.

“I could lie back in his da manly arms and apologize to his bloodshot-red, white and blue eyes all day,” she said.

It was a big day for Limbaugh, apologies-wise. Actor Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays ‘Chloe’ on the Fox series “24,” apologized for not going past first base with the conservative talker. The two were romatically linked in 2006.

GOP’s new idea man – Unveils Joe The Plumber’s new brand strategy

When new Republican National Committee leader Michael Steele told ABC “This Week” host George Steffigraffilos, “I’m not going to wait for them to come to me, I’m going to take it to them,” in response to an FBI investigation into whether Steele improperly diverted more than $37,000 in campaign funds to his sister, he was employing a new damage control technique created by Samuel Joseph “Joe The Plumber” Wurzelbacher.

“Joe calls that tactic ‘Republicans Deliver’,” explained a source close to the RNC who wished to remain anonymous.

“Meaning, like, deliver. Take it to ’em — you know? Look ’em in the eye when they’ve got you cornered. Kick ass.”

The source said Wurzelbacher came up with a number of fresh ideas for the minority party on Feb. 3, when he went to Washington DC at the invitation of the Conservative Working Group. The CWG is an organization of formerly influential Capitol Hill staffers, who now serve as gofers “and need stuff to do,” according to CWG member Morley Frandle.

“We peppered him with questions all day, and he came up great stuff on damage control, economic stimulus, foreign policy, and image rebranding,” said Frandle.

Frandle recalled what happened when Steele heard about what CWG was up to. “He sat in with us, he’s a huge Joe fan. He loved the stuff Joe gave him about standing up to the Obama administration — accept Obama’s invitations to White House parties, drink his booze, then don’t give him a single vote. Brilliant, in-your-face kinds of stuff that’s going to save the country from socialism,” said Frandle.

GOP leaders in Congress would not confirm today if their legislative strategy came from Wurzelbacher. Likewise, Steele’s office would not confirm his use of ‘Republicans Deliver.’

However, Frandle said Republicans have focus group tested a number of Wurzelbacher-authored advertising concepts. The slogan participants chose to lead the GOP into the 2010 elections is: ‘Republicran — It’s Republican plus the great taste of cranberry! Now with Twice the R!’

The ‘Republicran’ ad campaign is expected to hit TV, radio and the internet later this year.

Also today: Happy Birthday, Darwin(Wiseline Institute NW)

Limbaugh’s cure for economy – Will burn down America for the insurance

Rush Limbaugh says he has been accused through the years of bashing Democrats, and now President Barack Obama, without offering solutions of his own. This time, the conservative talker says, he wants his critics to know he is putting the country first.

“My friends, I have a plan for getting America out of this economic crisis,” Limbaugh said this morning on his national radio program.

“The elements of my plan are time-tested and, because we’re Republicans, it is a simple plan,” he said.

“I propose we do what many businessmen have done since the dawn of capitalism. Namely, we’re going to burn down the United States for the insurance money,” intoned Limbaugh.

“Think about it, my friends. No one likes insurance companies, it’s time we made them pay up. If it’s an American insurance company, we’d only be getting back what they got in the Wall Street bail out. Billions of dollars returned to us to buy SUVs, plasma TVs, and gold coins from Lear Financial,” he said.

“And if it’s a foreign-owned insurance company, who cares,” Limbaugh added.

“I call on you, my dittohead army. I can’t do this without you. Prepare your glass bottles, your gasoline, your oily rags, your Bic grill lighters. Stand ready and wait for me to broadcast the go-signal, brought to you by the Sleep Number Bed by SelectComfort.”

The radio host says his plan first depends on the failure of President Obama’s economic policies. “I hope he fails,” says Limbaugh.

“The best thing would be another depression. An Obama depression will mean millions of shuttered businesses, all those empty buildings will go up like kindling,” Limbaugh said.

Limbaugh went on to say that his plan will also help ease America’s energy crisis. “I plan to use regular old gasoline as an accelerant. This will lead to fuel scarcity, and price increases. This will help the oil industry weather the Obama depression.”

In other news today, Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele attacked President Obama’s economic stimulus plan. “There are millions for fish passages, but not one dime for defunct web services/catering businesses,” said Steele.