Tag Archives: nashville

Another Major Recall – Palin’s witchcraft protection failing

Americans already reeling from the Toyota recall were greeted this morning by news of another major recall.

Word of Faith Church founder Bishop Thomas Muthee said his church has recalled its witchcraft protection system, affecting one customer, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Muthee said his church will repair a fault that exposes Palin to spells that can cause her to veer wildly, and experience braking problems such as an inability to stop talking.

The problem with the witchcraft protection system arose last weekend, when strange writing manifested on the palms of Palin’s hands as she spoke at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Her husband, Todd, took her to the local Assembly of God dealership, where the service department diagnosed witchcraft. Muthee was notified, and he began working on a fix.

It was Bishop Muthee who journeyed to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 to install Sarah Palin’s witchcraft protection system, which he described as a dense ethereal coating to keep her “safe from every form of witchcraft.”

“Normally we apply the coating at the factory. But we made an exception in Palin’s case, due to the size of my honorarium,” he said.

Of the current recall, Muthee said that although spontaneous appearance of words on the skin is a clear sign of witchcraft, “English words are quite unusual, normally what we see is in Latin.”

“This points to a younger witch that didn’t learn Latin,” he explained, tracing the defect to the witchcraft protection system not being programmed to account for Barack Hussein Obama. “We didn’t think Kenyan witchcraft would appear in North America,” said Muthee, of Kiambu, Kenya.

This weekend Muthee will travel to New York, where Palin is working as a 2012 presidential candidate for Fox News. “Todd will bring her into the dealership maybe on Monday afternoon and we’ll put her up on the lift. Installing the upgraded witchcraft protection system should take an hour,” he explained.

Muthee maintains witches have enormous influence in America. “There are many examples, such as the song Witchy Woman, and the TV show Bewitched. There are the 2001 Seattle Mariners from the world of sports, and it is the best explanation for Hulu’s move to a subscription-based business model,” said Muthee.

“I was also the first to notice that there is even witchcraft in the Pledge of Allegiance, where it goes, ‘and to the Republic for witch it stands’,” he said.

ERITAS errata: ERITAS is taking this week off

Tea Party movement catches fire – Torches burn down Nashville convention center

The first national convention of the Tea Party movement ended in tragedy Saturday, when fire consumed the the Gaylord Opryland convention hall shortly after former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin concluded her keynote speech to the event’s 1,100 delegates.

Investigators traced the fire’s cause to one of the tea partiers’ favorite symbols of anger: flaming torches, which are as familiar as the movement’s tea bags, tricorner hats and misspelled placards.

The 600,000 square foot conference facility burned fast and hot, constructed as it was from recycled wigs of country-western singers.

“It was like a towering inferno,” said M.F. Nutt, a delegate from Westmost, North Carolina. “I’m going to sue somebody for pain and suffering — Opryland, the wig company, somebody. Luckily we haven’t passed tort reform yet,” Nutt said.

Dozens of delegates were treated for smoke inhalation. But Dr. Tamara Wynette of Vanderbilt University Medical Center said exposure was “equivalent to only a Saturday night in your standard honky tonk.”



Palin: hot prospect for 2012

Governor Palin expressed shock and sorrow at the destruction, and took partial responsibility. “I should have started my speech by telling the audience where the emergency exits were — but those would have been too many words to fit on my hand,” she said.

Convention organizer Judson Phillips said informational literature is being designed around the theme “Fire BAD,” which will be distributed at future Tea Party events.

In other news, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel reiterated his apology for calling progressive Democrats “retarded.”

“I meant to say they have special needs,” Emanuel said.