Hello, my friends. It’s me again, John Sidney McCain III, bringing you another installment in my ongoing series, Spare Change You Can Believe In.
My opponent Barack Hussein Obama has been telling Americans that I’m running for President Bush’s third term. Bloomers! There are all kinds of differences between the president and me.
How’s this for different: a market-based solution to homeland security.
People seem upset about domestic surveillance. Fine, I can see their point. When Phil Gramm wants to pick up the phone and call me, no one needs to listen-in on two old farts chatting about recipes, The Young & Restless, energy trading deregulation, or sub prime mortgage bundling.
Here’s some Spare Change You Can Believe In: when I’m in the White House, Americans will be able to get a new USA Rewards card.
Here’s how the USA Rewards system will work. In exchange for access to all your PINs and passwords (which I promise will be used for marketing purposes only), you’ll earn Patriot Points every time you pay FICA, donate to participating political parties, or reenlist in the armed forces.
Patriot Points will be redeemable for interest on disaster repair loans, discount admissions to national parks and the Smithsonian, flu shots, food stamps, and assistance from faith-based organizations.
Most important is that the USA Rewards card will keep you safe. A harmless little GPS chip called the Super America National Tracking Aide, or SANTA, will let the DHS know where you are at all times, and whether you’re sleeping, awake, bad or good. Everyone loves SANTA, my friends, and SANTA is Uncle Sam’s best friend on Facebook. SANTA will help DHS identify troublemakers and assign them COAL status, short for Communist or Arab, Likely.
So to sum up: not Bush’s third term; Rewards card; big discounts; keeping you safe; Christmas.
One last thing. It takes a long time to say “my friends,” my friends. So from now on I’m going to do like the texters do, and shorten it to ‘MFs,’ and sometimes ‘MFers.’ Because I’m young and hep too.
So thanks for listening, MFers. Please join me again for the next: Spare Change You Can Believe In.