Tag Archives: old

Palin quits Iditarod

Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.

Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.

After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.

Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.

Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.

“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.

However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.

And Bristol is expecting puppies.

In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”

A further message from John McCain

Hello My Friends — or “MFers,” as I like to informally call you, my peeps. It’s me again, John Sidney McCain III, with more Spare Change You Can Believe In.

It’s time for some Straight Talk about the economy.

Who does this kid Alan Greenspan think he is, calling Monday’s small 500-point stock market adjustment a ‘once in a century event, leading to more businesses failing’?

Kiss my patootie Greenspan, the economy is fundamentally sound! As long as you can barter rice we can survive, that’s something I learned when I was in the Hanoi Hilton, but I don’t like to talk about that.

The only companies that are in trouble are insurance companies and savings and loans. Here’s some Straight Talk for the insurance companies and S&Ls: no one likes you, Americans will be glad to be rid of you. I’m only sorry we couldn’t take out any law firms too. Lawyers didn’t help when I was a guest of Charlie, but I don’t like to talk about that.

Plenty of life is left in the American economy. Some of our biggest companies moved to the Caymans and Dubai in order to protect themselves from downturns like September 15 was not. As a result, there are plenty of them left to come in and provide the McCain Administration with some vital no-bid contracting.

Also, there are credit card companies to get us through this little dip. My advice is to get out your credit cards and go shopping. Get out there and Charge, USA! How’s that for a slogan, MFers? Best one since A Chicken In Every Pot, yessireebob!

My family values policy also offers economic solutions. Basically, everyone is free to marry themselves a rich heiress, like I did after I was released from the Hanoi Hilton, but I don’t like to talk about that.

So as Phil Gramm would say, STOP WHINING AMERICA! If being a POW taught me anything, it’s to not whine. But I don’t like to talk about that.


A message from John McCain
Another message from John McCain

McCain dismisses Obama – Convention had “too much rhythm for average Americans”

Seeking to downplay the importance of the Democratic convention and its nomination of Barack Obama as the first African American to head a major party ticket, Republican John Sidney McCain III today issued an appeal to voters who are not comfortable with a party he said is out of step with most of America.

“Obama and the Democrat Party don’t look like most of America,” McCain said.

But McCain denied he was making a race-based attack. “I’m not playing the race card, I’m saying the Democrats have too much rhythm for average Americans. Democrats are out of step because Americans can’t get in step.”

McCain charged that “more than a third” of Democratic delegates in Denver could clap along with the beat of the many popular songs played at the convention.

Many songs were heard, including “Sisters are doing for themselves,” “Isn’t she lovely,” “September,” and of course, “Disco Inferno.” There were also live performances by Dave Matthews, Stevie Wonder, Sheryl Crow, and even country western group Sugarland.

McCain scoffed at the amount of music featured by Democrats. “My friends, that’s not the America I know. That’s not the kind of easy listening music we can believe in,” said McCain.

“My America is an America that goes to bed early, and doesn’t want to be woken up at 10 pm by you damn kids and your infernal rock and roll racket,” he said.

McCain has eschewed music in his campaign. He has frequently told the story of how the only music he heard while a POW in North Vietnam was what Hanoi Hannah played during morning drive time.

McCain went on to charge that Democrats are in the pocket of Hollywood, home of the recording industry as well as the movie business which, McCain said, “has put music in movies since the advent of the talkies.”

“Hollywood charges nine bucks for a movie ticket. Do you want to pay that much for a gallon of gas? That’s what an Obama presidency would mean. Make no mistake: Obama and Hollywood will raise your gas prices.”

McCain also said Americans shouldn’t trust what he called “the musical party” to keep America safe.

“Modern music contains dangerous Middle Eastern influences. My staff tells me that songs such as Depeche Mode’s “Everything Counts” sounds Arab. Sting wore a kaffiyeh on the inner sleeve of The Police album Zenyatta Mondatta.” McCain went on to say that ‘Zenyatta Mondatta’ is Arabic for “death to all infidels.”

In related news, Barack Obama singlehandedly defeated the Denver Broncos 41-10 at Invesco Field. He is now the favorite in the race for the AFC West crown.

The iNews 9000 Turbo will return in two weeks.

Democrats make history, nominate Obama – McCain accuses history of inaccuracy, bias

The Democratic Party made history yesterday, making Senator Barack Obama the United States’ first mixed-race person to be nominated for president by a major party.

“Barack Obama is ready to be president… and Barack Obama is on the right side of history,” former president Bill Clinton said Wednesday evening, as he addressed the Democrats’ convention at Denver’s Pepsi Center.

Obama had been nominated by acclamation earlier in the afternoon.

Upon hearing of the history-making event, Obama’s rival John Sidney McCain III attacked history, citing history’s mixed record of accuracy.

“How can the Democrat Party put so much stock in history, when historians can’t even agree on the historical record?” asked the presumptive Republican nominee, in remarks to the regular Wednesday afternoon checkers game at Grant Park in Phoenix.

McCain noted that some creation scientists question the extent of history, saying it only goes back 5,000 years. History also vexed him as a midshipman at the Naval Academy, McCain added. “History was always my worst subject, because there were too many events and dates to remember,” he said.

“Heck, I lived through most of it — why should I have to remember it?”

The Arizona senator also accused history of bias, calling it too willing to record America’s faults. “My friends, when I am president, I pledge to conduct a thorough review of history and revise what needs to be corrected,” McCain said.

In related news, Bill Clinton disclosed to the Democratic convention that he’s a complicated man, and no one understands him but his woman.

McCain backs missile defense – “Russia has Communism precursors”

Presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain weighed in on the Georgia crisis Monday, calling for a new U.S. missile defense system to counter a new threat to the United States and its western allies: Soviet Communism.

McCain said a missile defense system is needed because “the situation in Georgia shows the expansionist Russia of old has returned. I believe they have all the pieces needed to restart the Red Menace at any time.”

Echoing the Bush administration’s rationale for its aggressive stance toward Iran, McCain said he is sure that “some within Russia wish to acquire the ability to bring back the old Soviet Union.” Such a turn of events would be very easy for Russia, according to McCain, pointing out that Russia has Communism precursors still in existence.

“Pravda, little nesting dolls, Siberia and Fidel Castro, until recently the dictator of Cuba since 1959. These are all important parts of the Communist plan for world domination, and they are still around,” he said.

Most worrisome to McCain is that Russia still has the world’s entire known supply of Lenin, in secure storage inside a major government facility in the heart of Moscow. “Russia needs to allow international inspectors in, to search for all the Lenin, as well as any caches of Kruschev, Brezhnev and Stalin,” McCain said.

Russian president Dimitri Medvedev denied his government wishes to acquire Communism, or that it possesses precursors.

“Where remnants of the Soviet Union remain, they have been in storage so long as to be no longer viable — such as queues for toilet paper, getting bogged down in Afghanistan, and unsustainable levels of military spending,” Medvedev said.

Medvedev went on to say that Russia would see deployment of a U.S. missile defense system as destabilizing. “We know the U.S. can put missiles in silos hardened with Mitt Romney’s hair, which would give America an unacceptable first strike capability.”

A message from John McCain

My friends, I come before you now because it is time for me to respond to the reckless smears against me concerning my age.

People think that just because I’ll be the oldest inaugurated president, I won’t be able to handle our complex economy, or make decisions about implementing the latest technologies.

HOGWASH! I know good ideas when I see them. When Thomas Edison told me about his idea for the light globe, I said to him, “Kid, you perfect it and I’ll get you the investment capital by enacting a tax cut for the rich.”

I have experience working on economic policy and technology in Congress. I took the steps to create the first national information network, a little something you may have read about in school — the Pony Express. I also led on freight transportation policy, helping to make the iron horse key to interstate commerce.

Finally, there’s this whole Hillary Clinton obsession with phones ringing at 3 AM. Trying to scare you, my friends. Making you afraid that I’ll sleep through it, or let the machine get it.

BULL PUCKEY! My first act as president will be to relocate the nation’s capital to Hawaii. Hai-shington, I’ll call it. Or maybe Washaii. So when that phone rings at 3 AM, in Washaii it will still be 9 PM.
Deal Or No Deal will just be getting over, and I’ll have a few minutes before Law & Order starts.

How clever is THAT?! How’s THEM apples???

Old is the new black, bitches! See, I can be hep.