Tag Archives: quitter

Palin quits Iditarod

Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.

Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.

After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.

Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.

Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.

“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.

However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.

And Bristol is expecting puppies.

In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”

Obama wins Funniest President Award – George W. Bush impression called “eerie”

President Obama has received another prestigious honor to add to his Nobel Peace Prize, the White House announced today.

“The President is thrilled at winning the Funniest President Award,” press secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters this morning.

The Funniest President Award was started by the Order Of The Knights Of The Catskills (OKC). They have bestowed it on American commanders-in-chief and foreign heads of state since Herbert Hoover in 1929.

Grand Emcee Mortie Zilberstein said that Obama earned the Funniest President Award for his spot-on impression of former President George W. Bush. “It’s eerie how much Obama is like Bush,” said Zilberstein. He cited such Obama talents as copying Bush on the release of torture photos and opposition to the landmine ban treaty. “And now he’s going to do a troop surge. The resemblance is uncanny!”

Zilberstein further explained that Obama doesn’t have to closely copy Bush’s vocal inflections or mannerisms to be doing an impression. “You don’t have to try to be a doppelganger. Look at Fred Armisten,” he said.

Gibbs said that Obama had hoped he was in the running for the award, and even practiced new Bush material on his recent world tour. “But no one thought he had a chance at the top prize, not with Stephen Harper still in office,” Gibbs said.

In related news, Sarah Palin denied she dropped out early from a Thanksgiving Day charity run.  The former Alaska Governor had pledged to run in the 5K “Turkey Trot” while visiting relatives in Richland, Washington. Palin denied reports she left the race early to avoid fans who had gathered at the finish line. “I was doing a Rosie Ruiz impression,” Palin told the Tri-Cities Herald-Plutonium.