Tag Archives: recession

Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.

Mayor Nickels cuts pork – Rachel The Pig victim of Seattle budget cuts

Rachel and fans - In happier times
Rachel and fans - In happier times

Saying the economic downturn requires tough choices, Seattle mayor Greg Nickels said Pike Place Market municipal ambassador Rachel The Pig would be laid off as part of an effort to cut fat from the city budget. Rachel’s layoff, one of 30, was effective April 19.

“Unfortunately, a projected $24 million falloff in real estate tax collections means the city cannot afford to carry needless pork in the budget,” Nickels explained

“Therefore we have no choice but to cut Rachel’s position, as well as one-week closures of Seattle Public Libraries — which carry DVDs of “Babe” and the book Charlotte’s Web,” he said.

Nickels said that while he regrets the budget cuts, the reductions guarantee full funding for the #1 issue facing Seattle: purchasing a stockpile of road salt for next winter. “I wish we could keep everything, but Seattle doesn’t have a salt pork program. Although that would be delicious,” said the mayor.

Nickelseattlesgreenmayor - Gets seismic upgrade
Nickelseattlesgreenmayor - No seismic upgrade

Nickels said he is making sacrifices too. “I am postponing $1.4 million in planned seismic upgrades to my Herman Miller office chair,” Nickels said.

Saddened supporters of Rachel gathered today at the now empty spot under the Pike Place Market clock, where Rachel posed for tourist photos for 22 years, and served as a rendezvous point for couples meeting through Seattle Weekly personals ads. Rachel fan Sven Ballard said the bronze pig will be missed, but preferred to think of her departure as a much-deserved retirement.

“Rachel worked so hard for so long. The mayor’s staff has assured us Rachel is now living on a farm somewhere near Stanwood. There she can enjoy the clean country air, has lots of room to run, and is able to play with other pig sculptures,” Ballard said.

No iNews this week
Legislature averts disaster – Almost forgot to f@#k education

Bush Named Goodwill Ambassador – Ex-prez called “perfect symbol of post-prosperity America”

Former President George W. Bush has completed his transition to private life — by returning to public service as a Goodwill Ambassador, literally. Bush’s office announced today that the 43rd president has agreed to be the new U.S. spokesman for Goodwill Industries.

The well known used-goods retailer, which also provides training, employment and a host of services to the disadvantaged and physically and developmentally challenged, will provide those services to Mr. Bush in exchange for his public relations duties, according to Goodwill spokesman Willy Frandle.

“Goodwill has long been known as a seller of quality used merchandise at hugely discounted prices,” said Frandle.

“Now that America is entering a period of severe economic dislocation, Goodwill wants to market itself to a wider audience. Goodwill needs an ambassador to reach that audience. Who better than George W. Bush to be the symbol of the post-prosperity America he helped create?” he said.

“In exchange, Goodwill help Mr. Bush reenter civilian life, helping to educate him in some basic life skills such as interpersonal communication and how to handle money.”

The former president said he is excited about his new role, and looks forward to the life skills classes. “Imagine what the last eight years might have been like, had I known how to handle money, when it was the wrong time to crack jokes, and not to give the German Chancellor a shoulder massage,” Bush said.

Frandle unveiled two Bush-associated marketing tools, the first a reworking of Goodwill’s logo that incorporates Bush’s likeness.

The second are lifesize cardboard cut-outs of Bush. The cut-outs will be placed in all Goodwill stores nationwide to greet shoppers. A computer chip will play a recording of Bush saying, “Sorry you can’t afford regular-price retail anymore. Sorry you can’t afford regular-price retail anymore…”

Goodwill to Bushwill?
Respected nonprofit updates familiar “Willy” logo