Tag Archives: reform

Insurance industry hospital ship to Haiti – S.S. Hopeless will serve rich quake victims

More aid from the U.S. arrived in Haiti today as the insurance industry’s hospital ship S.S. Hopeless sailed into Port-Au-Prince harbor, on a mission to bring much needed medical relief to rich survivors of the 7.0 earthquake that struck the country January 12.

The Hopeless had steamed at top speed from the Bahamas, where it waited for six days while Haiti’s paperwork was being processed.

“We are here to bring the world’s best health care system to the Haitian elite,” explained Julie McCoy, the Hopeless’s cruise director.

“Medical care for poor quake victims is being provided by emergency public options funded by the world’s governments and nonprofits, so the industry role is to offer a standard of care and service to Haitians willing to pay the free-market price,” McCoy said.

The Hopeless is a 32,000 ton Connecticut-registered vessel, recognized around the world by the familiar green dollar sign painted on its side. It carries 500 private rooms, a galley staffed by six cordon bleu chefs, 12 operating suites for elective surgery, 20 magnetic resonance imaging scanners, a claims department, a Wal-Mart pharmacy, and an IMAX theater currently showing Avatar.

The Hopeless is suspending many of its normal policies due to the urgent nature of the Haiti situation. Plate tectonics won’t be treated as a preexisting condition, and patients will be able to add domestic servants to their policies at a rate of 30% of full premium instead of 50%.

+
S.S. Hopeless

In other news, surging GOP Massachusetts senate candidate Scott Brown brought in help yesterday to put his effort over the top. The former male centerfold’s office announced that Jeff Gannon and Levi Johnston were flown in to help campaign for Brown on the final day of his race against Democrat Martha Coakley. “The male centerfold aficionado voting bloc is going to put us over the top,” said a spokesman.

ERITAS and Wiseline Institute and Center for The Secular Humorism celebrates its 300th post on Ragebot

New magazine jolts publishing world – TSA body scans to appear in “Public Screenings”

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

“Public Screenings” will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public’s insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.


Gibbs
Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life — including the rich and famous. “The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen,” Gibbs said, adding: “Whoopsie.”

OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.

However, the private sector publishing world denounced “Public Screenings” as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

“Americans don’t want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,” said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

“This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes,” Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. “Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners — provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order,” said Lechér.

“Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,” he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. “I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft,” Hume told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

South Carolina wins 2nd production line – “They threw everything at Santa” -Mrs. Claus

The fierce competition to determine the site of a second North Pole production line has been won by South Carolina.

The announcement was made yesterday by Northex, the North Pole’s Oslo-based holding company that also owns Kris Kringle Worldwide and Rudolph Organic Compost.

“South Carolina has shown us it offers the best business and labor climate for our expanded operations,” said Angelina Claus, Northex CFO and wife of Santa Claus for 371 years. “Also, they threw everything at Santa in terms of tax breaks and other incentives” to build the new toy factory in the Palmetto State, she said.

South Carolina officials, decked out in pointed slippers, velvet breeches, belled hats, and other gay apparel, gathered in the state capitol of Columbia for celebrations that stretched late into the night. “South Carolina puts the SC in ‘Santa Claus’ — and ‘Christmas,’ now that you mention it,” said a jubilant Gov. Mark Sanford.

It was Sanford’s personal, secret negotiation of a trade pact in Argentina earlier this year that sealed the deal. Now having a physical corporate presence in South Carolina gives Claus an opening into the lucrative Argentinian toy market currently, controlled by competitor Father Christmas.

Other incentives committed by the state include tax exemptions on in-state purchase of reindeer fuel and gift wrap, and a waiver of environmental regulations for Santa’s capital projects. In addition to the new assembly plant in Charleston, Santa also has plans for a three-runway sleighport and a new project for his Nat King Coal division, which would be the world’s largest open pit mine.


+
Barbie’s Dreamliner
Behind schedule

Santa Claus went looking for a new production site earlier this year after negotiations with the elf union, the Arctic Federation of Labor, broke down over the AFL’s refusal to agree to a no work stoppages deal. Santa had demanded the provision after stoppages caused expensive delays in the Barbie’s Dreamliner program.

State House Speaker Bobby Harrell summed up the state’s victory: “Today, South Carolina kicked the asses of a bunch of greedy little elves.”

In contrast, the decision has touched off a firestorm north of Canada.

“Christmas is ruined,” said Elf spokesman Gruffudd Greenbuckle said, and went on to say that work stoppages were a phony issue.

“Periodically elves have to perform a little dance, while singing merry toybuilding worksongs. It’s in our DNA, and it only takes about a minute at the top of every hour, everyone knows this,” said Greenbuckle.

“Santa used it as an excuse to betray our centuries of loyalty, and is blatantly cutting costs at the expense of the little guy,” said the three foot tall Greenbuckle. “Health insurance reform with a strong public option would do more to lower costs,” he said.


+
Lieberman
Stole Democrats’ 60th vote

Greenbuckle and other elf leaders are calling upon federal lawmakers to intercede. “Keep the North Pole at the North Pole, we say ‘let’s stay together’,” Pole City Mayor Holly Mistletoe wrote in an e-mail to Rep. Al Green (D-Texas), chairman of the House Oversight of Holiday Observances Committee (HOHO Committee). A spokesman for Green said his committee would take up the issue after the holiday recess.

However, elf assistance legislation is a non-starter in the Senate, according to Homeland Security Committee chairman Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman-CT).

“Christmas, shmistmas. The North Pole is an axis, with elves whose union supports the public option. Protecting America from this axis of elf evil is my top priority,” Lieberman said.

Obscure company dumps Tiger Woods

Accenture has severed ties with golfer Tiger Woods, following a deluge of negative publicity surrounding Woods’ conducting extramarital affairs with over a dozen women.

“After several years of the endorsement deal, we’ve decided to end the relationship,” said Accenture spokesman Art Andersen.

However, Accenture’s reason is not because of Woods’ admission of infidelity. In a recent poll, 1,200 persons contacted thought Accenture is a meat tenderizing liquid.

“The average person has no idea what Accenture is or what we do,” said Andersen.

“You’d think for all the money we’ve been paying Woods, that today Accenture would have the same name recognition as Rachel Uchitel. I mean, who do I have to sleep with to get that kind of notoriety?” he wondered.

In other news, Connecticut has severed ties with Senator Joe Lieberman, following a deluge of negative publicity surrounding Lieberman’s extramarital affairs with over a dozen insurance companies.

iNews Friday, 12/11/2009

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: ‘NOVA’ looks at Japanese midget sub in Pearl Harbor attack
Translation: Palin demands Vern Troyer’s birth certificate

Headline: Missing DNA linked to childhood obesity
Translation: Still no solution to missing Fritos mystery

Headline: Reid Compares Opponents of Health Care Reform to Supporters of Slavery
Translation: And that was a compliment

Headline: Christian group vs. Hastings – court to decide
Translation: Teabaggers demand William The Conqueror’s birth certificate

Headline: Palin to make time for Freedom Club in Minnesota
Translation: Palin makes time to club truth over the head

Headline: Bachmann and Palin each claim a rotunda
Translation: Bachmann and Palin cancel each other out in flash of crazy

Headline: Greenhouse Gases Imperil Health, EPA Announces
Translation: Disco is dead, EPA also announces

Headline: Democrats reach deal on health plan
Translation: Horse Committee reaches deal on camel design

Headline: Study Shows Casual Sex Not Damaging for Mental Health
Translation: Study key in Mark Sanford getting off in the Legislature. So to speak.

 

inews9kThe iNews 9000 Turbo will return in 2010.
Happy Holidays!*

Get all the iNews on Twitter

* There, I said it. What are ya gonna do, report me to Bill O’Reilly?

Lieberman celebrates green win

Hello, I’m Joe Lieberman, and I want to tell all of you how close America recently came to losing one of its most precious ecosystems — the health insurance industry.

We all depend on this delicate food web of premiums, co-payments, deductibles, MSAs, and MSA deductibles.

It’s a breathtaking example of the wonder of nature at work. There are predators and prey. Some live; some die; some have their claims denied. The lucky ones live to have their claims denied another day.

It’s a circle of life, death, and preauthorizations.

Interrupt this cycle and there would be a health care feeding frenzy. And my home state of Connecticut has one our most sensitive habitats, where some barely survive on tenuous 30-40% profit margins.

Thus you can understand why, when President Obama first broached the subject of reform, I was distraught. “You’re killing the ecosystem!” I told him.

Luckily a group of concerned Senate conservativationists awoke to the threat of affordable health care. Ben Nelson, Mary Landrieu, and Blanche Lincoln are among those who joined me in defeating a strong public option. It was a momentous green victory — meaning millions of pieces of green paper will continue flowing into our campaign treasuries.

It’s often said that even stepping on a butterfly can cause major alterations in the environment. Or maybe that was time travel. Whatever. We can celebrate that insurance companies won’t be added to the endangered species list any time soon.

We can be grateful our children — and their children — won’t have to go to a zoo to see a medical bankruptcy.

Stupak offers compromise – Coverage of premature ejaculation treatment could delay abortions “by as much as 6-7 minutes”

Anti-abortion congressman Bart Stupak today notified fellow Democrats that he is willing to modify his controversial health care reform amendment restricting abortion funding.

The Michigan 1st District representative hopes to improve chances his restrictions will be in the final version of reform after reconciliation with the version that will come out of the Senate, which is about to begin floor debate.

Stupak’s amended amendment would add the guarantee for all Americans of universal coverage for treatment of premature ejaculation.

“Guaranteeing access to P.E. treatment would limit abortions by as much as 6 to 7 minutes, each, but doesn’t further restrict women’s reproductive rights,” he said.

“This represents pro-life Americans extending a hand of compromise to pro-death Americans, the kind of compromise abortion foes are all about,” Stupak said magnanimously.

However, his compromise is drawing the ire of one leader of the pro-life movement.  Operation Rescue founder Randall Terry said delaying ejaculation interferes with conception.  “Putting it off by 6 or 7 minutes, that’s delaying the creation of sacred life and therefore unacceptable,” said Terry.

“Besides, without premature ejaculation I wouldn’t have the anger and self-loathing that drives my anti-abortion crusade,” Terry said.

Stupak’s amendment cuts medical costs – Bars coverage for all procedures

Rep. Bart Stupak (D-MI) today asked his Democratic colleagues to stay united on health care reform legislation, and support the current version of the legislation even if they have objections to the abortion-restricting amendment he authored.

The version that passed the House 220-215 on Saturday contained an amendment offered by Stupak prohibiting funds for abortions in a public insurance plan, as well as any private plan purchased in a public exchange. This has angered over 40 liberal members, who say they will not vote for any House-Senate compromise containing Stupak’s language.

Stupak called on disaffected progressives not to be hasty, urging: “Don’t throw the fetus out with the bathwater.” He said his purpose was to ensure federal dollars didn’t support a legal medical procedure he objects to on religious grounds.

That, he explained, is also the key to providing affordable coverage for all Americans. “My amendment slashes health care costs, abortion proponents never mention that fact,” said Stupak.

Stupak said a section of his amendment prohibits federal funds or coverage purchased on a public exchange from paying for any kind of medical procedure. “This is out of respect for the beliefs of some Christian Scientists — I mean, come on, they pay taxes too,” he said.

Refusing to recognize illnesses means they would no longer exist — solidifying America’s position as having the world’s best medical system, and saving taxpayers trillions of dollars, Stupak said.

However, Stupak’s approach is opposed from the right as well as the left. House Minority John Boehner objects to Stupak’s bill, saying Americans need a minimum of level health insurance. “Insurance should at least pay for the poisonous snakes some charismatic Pentecostal sects use in faith-based disease prevention,” Boehner said.

Foxx moves to preempt health reform terror

Saying America has more to fear from a government-managed health insurance option than terrorism, Congresswoman Virginia Foxx (R-NC) today introduced sweeping legislation that would place health care reform on a national terror watch list, among a host of security measures.

Foxx’s bill, nicknamed the USA PATIENT Act, has veteran Washington insiders buzzing due to its inclusion of funds for:

  • A Health Legislation Security Administration, a superagency with TSA-like powers. HLSA would screen everyone entering the Capitol, to prevent members of Congress from carrying in reform proposals.
  • Members of the Progressive Caucus, such as Rep. Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, would be on a special Public Option Watch List and required to take off their shoes when screened.
  • Coverage for Americans lacking insurance would be contracted to Black Cross, a new division of Xi, the international security firm formerly known as Blackwater. Black Cross claims adjusters would have immunity from prosecution, but would be paid on commission.
  • Makes interfering with a health insurance claims department a violation of FAA regulations. Violators would be violated and then detained in a shipping container without food or water.
  • Establishes a color-coded Public Option Terror Alert System. Black would denote Elevated risk of a Public Option, while High risk of a Public Option is indicated by Black. A Low risk of a Public Option is Black. It is the same color-coding sequence Foxx used a year ago to alert constituents to the election of Barack Obama.

Foxx also called on the White House to immediately launch attacks on Kucinich with unmanned drones.

Sen. Joe Lieberman (Connecticut For Lieberman-CT) said he is supportive of Foxx’s legislation. Noting the estimated cost of the PATIENT Act is $800 billion over ten years — $71 billion less than a Democratic plan if it includes a robust Public Option — Lieberman commented, “See? It IS better to do nothing.”

Lieberman offers health reform plan – “Private option” would give Treasury to insurance companies

Sen. Joe Lieberman introduced his own health care reform proposal today, one relying on private insurance and cost-cutting. The measure is the Connecticut Indepublican’s first move since announcing his opposition to any Democratic bill containing a government-run public insurance option.

Lieberman calls his bill “the private option.”

Under Lieberman’s plan, the U.S. Treasury would be transferred to a consortium of the nation’s largest health insurance companies led by Wellpoint and United Health. Giving all the public’s money directly to health insurance companies would lower costs by cutting out the middleman, according to Lieberman.

“Insurance companies are currently saddled with the enormous cost of collecting thousands of metric tons of cash from our doctors offices, hospital rooms, ERs and piggy banks,” he explained.

“This is an expensive proposition.  Twenty cents of every health care dollar currently pays for picking up that dollar from wherever it is, and moving it to the joint insurance industry vault at the United Health Group in Minnetonka, Minnesota,” said Lieberman.

“The private option will end this practice.  By giving the entire U.S. Treasury to the insurance companies, you’re paying them when you pay your taxes. Now that’s what I call introducing efficiency into a system,” he said.

Lieberman’s proposal is already receiving positive comments from both sides of the aisle.  Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) says there is much to like about the private option. “My wife is on the board of Wellpoint, and I can’t tell you the number of times she has thrown out her back from lifting bags of cash.  A private option means she wouldn’t have to risk her health like that anymore.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner echoed Bayh’s support. “The current system isn’t just expensive, it’s also wasteful. When they move the cash they don’t always have enough bags, and some of it inevitably falls out of the wheelbarrows. Ending that waste, it should be at the top of our list,” Boehner said.