Tag Archives: religious wackjob

“Gee whiz, ain’t America neat-o?” Jindal tells America – Transcript

This evening Gov. Bobby Jindal gave the Republican Party’s response to President Barack Obama’s Message to Congress.

Good evening. I’m Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, and gee whiz — ain’t America neat-o?

Tonight, in the very chamber where Congress once voted to abolish slavery, our first African-American president stepped forward to address the state of our union.

Regardless of party, all Americans are moved by the president’s personal story. But what about me? Look at my face. I’m a Republican and a Southerner, but that doesn’t mean I’m a cracker. As the son of Indian immigrants, I’m more properly called a ‘naan-er.’

To quote Ronald Reagan’s favorite comic: “America — what a country!”

I praise the positive spirit of our citizens in weathering these tough times. But the existence of positive spirits means, logically, that there also must be negative spirits that require solutions. Republicans are ready to work with the new President to provide those solutions, and the best one is exorcism.

I look forward to sitting down with the President and his administration, assess which of them are possessed by minions of the horned one, and then cast out those satanic entities so that America can get back on the road to prosperity.

Next, we should not be spending precious tax dollars on useless job creation. Instead, we should be fighting government waste.

Waste like federal health insurance for children — those children should get full time jobs with employer-provided benefits.

Maybe those children can find work in one of the new alternative nuclear power plants we should build. Who knows — given enough radiation-induced genetic damage, maybe the next generation will be literally green.

And if government insurance for unproductive kids is wasteful, we really can’t have any federal bureaucrats stand between Americans and their doctors. Everyone knows it’s actuaries who should control access to health care.

We must cut waste like the National Hurricane Center and FEMA, whose existence unfairly raised expectations about the Bush Administration’s response to Hurricane Katrina.

More examples of waste are our public schools, which should be privatized and run the Republican way. We need to deregulate the schools and abolish the Department of Education. Then we sell failing schools to Bank of America and Chase, and bundle good schools together with securitized high risk assets.

Above all, America’s economy will recover if we all take more personal responsibility. Unemployed? Sick? Uneducated? Urban liberal? We can only help you if there’s anything left after we help the banks.

In other words, it’s every man — and barefoot, pregnant woman — for themselves.

I look forward to meeting with the President to discuss the many challenges facing our country, as well as to compare original birth certificates.

Thank you. May god bless you, the state of Louisiana, and the South shall rise again!

Alaska troops enter breakaway region – Canada warns drifting ice shelf will melt

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin ordered her state’s Army National Guard into a breakaway region of the Canadian Arctic today, a month after the 19 square miles of ice separated from Ellesmere Island.

Palin, the newly minted Republican Party nominee for vice president, said she does not accept Canada’s claim that the region is a piece of an ice shelf that broke off of Ellesmere, part of the Nunavut territory.

“Canadian scientists claim the ice shelf broke away due to global warming, and it will melt. Well I don’t believe in that,” said Palin, from an undisclosed location on the campaign trail with running mate John Sidney McCain III.

“It therefore follows that this is a land yearning to be freed from the yoke of socialized medicine, they have seceded from Canada, and are now floating toward sanctuary in Alaska,” Palin reasoned.

She then signed a gubernatorial proclamation naming the new land Ice Cuba.

The McCain campaign issued a statement praising Palin for her decisive action. It read: “My friends, this is the kind of leadership that shows how ready Sarah Palin is to become president should the need arise.”

Although the National Guard is trying to make contact with Ice Cuba resistance leaders, Palin said the primary mission is humanitarian. “Our brave citizen soldiers are even now fanning out to search for anyone who needs rescue or medical attention,” she said.

The governor added that the officer in charge of the effort, General Michael Brown, sent word from Ice Cuba that he expects people, elves and penguins will be found soon. “He’s doing a heck of a job,” Palin said.

When campaign reporters pointed out to Palin that penguins are Antarctic and elves are mythological, she disagreed. “Who says, science? Canadian science? Canadian socialized science? I don’t think so.”

“If Canada decides they want it back, they can’t have it,” said Palin.

“No one and no thing will stand in the way of Ice Cuban liberty, as surely as god told me to pray for a natural gas pipeline.”

“Our watchword shall be ‘Ice Cuba Libre’,” Palin declared with a flourish.