Tag Archives: republicans

Strict construction makes Supreme Court unnecessary, Bachmann says

Even as President Obama weighs potential nominees to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens, a growing number of conservative lawmakers say the high court itself is unnecessary and ought to be abolished.

Among them is Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN), who today called the Supreme Court nothing more than an expensive bureaucracy.
“Strict construction means the Constitution doesn’t change from its original meaning, so we don’t need to maintain a court to interpret it,” asserted Bachmann, “especially expensive lawyer types and the bureaucracy that goes with them.”

“And make no mistake — they are bureaucrats. In fact the entire federal court system is unelected and inaccessible to everyone but other lawyers,” said Bachmann, a tax attorney.

The Minnesota lawmaker said her vision of a future without a federal judiciary would mean a chance to explore alternative forms of dispute resolution, such as found in the Second Amendment: “Americans don’t want the courts coming between them and their vengeance.”

Bachmann also doesn’t expect eliminating the Supreme Court will have much of an impact on the other two branches of government. “Congress and the White House function just fine, even though the Supreme Court for many years has had fewer than nine justices,” she elaborated.

“Under the original language of the Constitution as written by the framers, Clarence Thomas is only three-fifths of a justice, Ginsburg and Sotomayor are husbands’ property, and so was Sandra Day O’Connor,” Bachmann explained.

Hutchison Repeats Herself

‘Senator Helmet Hair’, the former cheerleader and news anchor—a senator whose career has been so undistinguished, she has not managed to produce a single major bill in 17 years—Big Oil’s fluffer, whose campaigns float along on a sea of industry money, and a politician who famously stated back in 1993, when term limits were fashionable, that she would serve no more than 12 years in the Senate…now repeats herself.

After an embarrassing loss to Rick Perry in the Republican gubernatorial primary, Hutchison has announced that, rather than retire from the Senate as she had promised, she’ll stay on till 2012. Gee like we couldn’t have seen that coming a mile away.

Trip to fetish club “was research to protect the homeland”

The Republican Party consultant who was reimbursed nearly $2,000 for a trip to a bondage-themed Los Angeles nightclub said today the visit was legitimate political business. “It was research to protect the homeland,” said Erik Brown, president of a Southern California consulting firm.

According to Brown, he and several GOP donors went to Voyeur West Hollywood on a fact-finding mission to help inform Republican proposals regarding detention and interrogation of terrorism suspects.

“Republicans are running in the 2010 midterm elections on our national security credentials, but we need to make sure our thinking is state of the art,” said Brown, whose company specializes in direct male services for political campaigns.

“Fortunately, the doorman at our hotel said if we wanted to learn about how to restrain and punish those who misbehave, best practices can be found at the Voyeur,” he explained.


Inside the Voyeur club

Brown says the knowledge gained is worth the controversy it is generating. “What I’m doing is gathering new options for future Republican presidents to use against the terrorists. Al Qaeda knows all our current methods, because they’ve had years to study Abu Ghraib. They know we make captured terrorists wear women’s panties on their faces and put dog collars on them, and they train their operatives accordingly, especially in forming naked pyramids,” he said.

But Brown understands some Republicans may object to how the party is spending their donations, and has an apology. “I’m sorry,” he said, “if people think $1,946 is too much to pay to keep Americans safe.”

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

GOP lines up to back new Afghanistan strategy – “Time to start over with a clean occupation”

With fighting approaching its ninth year and operations against insurgents entering a new phase, Republicans in Congress today launched a new effort to reform U.S. policy on Afghanistan.

“It’s time to start over with a clean occupation plan,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, the minority leader.

“The American people don’t want the president’s costly, complicated plan. What we need is to find what Republicans and defense contractors agree on and proceed step by step, in a bipartisan fashion,” McConnell said.

Sen. Lamar Alexander of Tennessee also stated the need for cooperation. “Now see here, I, I say, instead of trying to strike di-rectly at Taliban insurgents, we should go step by step, boy, stopping to re-view each move in a series of committee hearings. It’s time to reset the number of tours our troops have served in Afghanistan to ze-ro, and start over with a clean occupation plan, I do de-clare.”

In the House, GOP whip Eric Cantor likened President Obama’s Afghanistan policy to a strategy game he tried to learn when he was a quiet, science-fiction loving teenager in Richmond, Virginia. “What we have now is like that game Risk. Infantry, cavalry and artillery, routes and territories — it’s way too complicated.”

“It’s time to clear the board and throw all the cards and gamepieces on the floor — start over by rolling the dice and going step by step with a clean occupation plan,” Cantor said.

In a related story, House minority leader John Boehner attacked the White House’s proposal to seek out defense waste and fraud using a network of undercover citizen investigators, posing as arms buyers. Boehner called the idea “a government takeover of the military.”

“The American people like the Blackwater they have and want to keep it. What the people want is to control costs, and to do that we need more private, market-based solutions for defense,” said the Ohio lawmaker. Citing tort reform as an example of a way to lower the cost of frivolous lawsuits against firms whose employees rape fellow employees, Boehner announced plans to lead a fact finding mission to Iraq. “I hear the tanning there is excellent,” he said.

Steele unveils GOP ‘Government Lab’

Declaring “Republicans must walk the talk,” GOP chairman Michael Steele said today he is managing the party according to the same policies it advocates for the United States.

“I am running the party as a de facto Government Lab in order to demonstrate to the American people what Republican leadership will do for the nation,” said Steele.

The centerpiece of the demonstration is strict adherence to conservative budget principles. “I have radically increased the Republican Party’s expenses since becoming leader,” he said, “spending more on private jets, limos, consultants, high-class lodging, fine dining and catering than any of my predecessors.”

“Combining higher expenditures with drastic cuts in membership revenue is sound Republican fiscal policy, proven during the flawless governance of the Reagan, Bush and Bush presidencies,” Steele said.

“The American people need to be reminded that our policies are what brought America to where it is today — poised on the edge of the future. Once reminded, they’ll forget Nancy Pelosi’s socialist plan for more jobs, fair taxation and affordable health care,” he said.

“We’re going to create a permanent Republican majority if I have to amass the biggest long term debt in the history of U.S. political parties,” Steele said.

GOP split on health care — Bachmann: we didn’t nuke Japan enough – Palin: we nuked them the right amount

A congresswoman’s remarks on Japan’s health care system this week have unexpectedly resulted in a disagreement between two of the Republican Party’s leading personalities.

It all began Tuesday when Rep. Michele Bachmann, addressing home state supporters in Rochester, Minnesota, warned that Democratic health proposals would lead to limits on Americans’ free speech. A government-controlled health plan, she said, would allow the government to threaten its critics by denying them health care.

Bachmann pointed to Japan as an illustration of what happens when the government takes over health care. “You know those old Japanese soldiers who hid in the jungles and didn’t know World War II was over until decades later?” she asked.

“Well what they were hiding from was the government health care system, forced down their throats after the war by that well-known pinko General Douglas MacArthur,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann reminded her audience that the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were a preemptive action meant to prevent post-war socialism. “Obviously we didn’t nuke them enough,” she said.

Those comments did not sit well with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The rising GOP star and Fox News commentator questioned Bachmann’s version of history, telling viewers Tuesday night, “I’ve seen M*A*S*H? So I think I’m on on firm ground by pointing out MacArthur was a Korean general, not Japanese?”

Continued Palin: “And not only that, but if you don’t mind me saying so also, the nuking was needed to rouse Godzilla from his slumbering on the ocean floor.”

“Thereto, the three times we nuked Japan was exactly the right amount,” Palin said.

However, in a retort issued through her press office, the Minnesota lawmaker stood by her evaluation that Japan had not been nuked enough. “If all of Japan had been incinerated, it would have saved them from being enslaved by socialist government health care,” Bachmann said.

Obama back on track after new rule bars texting while presidenting

President Barack Obama’s year-old administration is back on track this week, after the advent of new federal rules that bar texting while presidenting.

The January 25 rulemaking modifies a 2002 regulation issued by the Bureau of Inertia that required commanders-in-chief spend at least 10 hours a day on the then-new social media websites such as Friendster and Cyworld. President George W. Bush put the rule to good use immediately in 2002, logging on at AsianAvenue.com (now AsianAve) to apologize to China for laws of physics that allowed a U.S. surveillance plane to become airborne, collide with a People’s Liberation Army interceptor jet, and crash land on Hainan Island.

“This change brings federal regulations into line with what we now know — that while it can be a convenient and fun way to communicate, texting is a significant distraction. It takes a president’s eyes off the road ahead and affects reaction time,” said Michele Obama of the powerful White House Office of Michele Policy. She gave reporters several examples of the effect of distracted presidenting, including President Obama’s decision to let Congress take the lead on health care reform, forgetting to end Don’t Ask Don’t Tell during 2009, and the entire eight years of the Bush administration.

The benefits of the texting restriction were readily seen last week, as the president was persuasive and on-message for his first State of the Union address Wednesday. Then on Friday at the House Republicans Retreat he was focused, and did not shy from pointing out inconsistencies and factual errors in critics’ arguments. “OMG- BHO totes pwned us. C me n Billo face on Factor 2nite,” Minority Whip Eric Cantor acknowledged to his Twitter followers.

Old habits can be hard to break, however. President Obama picked up his Blackberry on Saturday while taking in the Georgetown-Duke basketball game. As a result of the distraction, he failed to take preemptive action to prevent television coverage of Rush Limbaugh dancing at Sunday’s Miss America pageant.

In other news, conservative Tea Party activists outraged over Senator-elect Scott Brown’s support for Roe v. Wade were frustrated today in their efforts to lynch Brown in effigy using teabag strings.

Brown defeats Coakley – New senator pledges to pose nude for Congressional Record

Republican Scott Brown became the newest member of the U.S. Senate last night, defeating Democrat Martha Coakley 52-47% in the close Massachusetts race for the seat of the late Edward M. Kennedy.

Brown thanked an overflow of supporters at Boston’s Park Plaza Hotel. “You have helped this son of the Bay State get one step closer to my dream of becoming the first nude centerfold in the Congressional Record,” said Brown, who also was Cosmopolitan Magazine’s Mr. June 1982.

Brown attributed his late surge to Levi Johnston, former future son-in-law of former Alaska governor Sarah Palin, and Jeff Gannon, former White House correspondent for Talon News. “I am so grateful they were able to join me on the campaign trail in the critical final days, as examples to show the people of Massachusetts what the GOP has to offer.”

“The three of us were a former male nude model dream team,” he said.

The senator-elect said he looked forward to Senate orientation, and to meeting and working with his new GOP colleagues — “except for John Ensign, who is to never be left alone with my wife and daughters,” Brown said.

Coakley did not appear at her election night headquarters, instead undergoing treatment for a broken finger. The injury occurred at about the time Coakley pointed the finger at the White House, while complaining to chief of staff Rahm Emanuel that the Obama administration waited too late to start campaigning for her.

GOP demands Reid quit – Want to give him Steele’s job

Controversy continued to swirl today around comments Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid made during the 2008 campaign about then-Senator Barack Obama, with some Republicans asking Reid to step down.

“This may sound hard to believe, but many people think Barack Obama is a Muslim just because his middle name is Hussein,” Reid is quoted as saying in the book ‘Game Change’ by Mark Halperin and John Heilemann, to be released Tuesday. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some people will refuse to believe he’s a U.S. citizen,” Reid is also quoted as saying.

Today Republican leaders echoed chairman Michael Steele’s demand that Reid quit, with a growing number urging that Reid be hired to replace Steele.

“Harry Reid is our kind of guy, based on these comments,” said former Sen. Trent Lott.

“Reid isn’t racist, he’s a realist. Enough of a realist to recognize a lot of the country is deeply divided on race — that’s the kind of political know-how Republicans can use in the top job,” said Lott, the former GOP Senate leader best known for his remarks at the late Sen. Strom Thurmond’s 100th birthday party in 2002.

Echoing Lott was Dale Robertson, a founder of the influential Tea Party movement. “Reid is someone who understands our party’s base,” said Robertson.

“Reid is a smart guy who can bring us to a whole new level. He could tutor us in English,” he said.


Robertson
“It’s spelled how? God, I’m such a moran.”