Tag Archives: rush limbaugh

Health, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire

Shock! Limbaugh backs health care reform

Radio host Rush Limbaugh endorsed the Democratic health care reform legislation in Congress yesterday, surprising listeners and winning praise from liberals.

“If this passes and it’s five years from now and all that stuff gets implemented — I am leaving the country. I’ll go to Costa Rica,” the conservative talker told a caller to his program.

Support for reform in the House and Senate immediately shot up, as members were deluged by constituent phone calls and emails urging they take Limbaugh up on his offer.

A snap poll taken last night by Stan Dardeviasian of Dardeviasian Opinion Research showed that after Limbaugh said he would leave the country, public support for health care reform increased to 80 percent — up from 65 percent last Friday.

“Rush Limbaugh has finally given the American people something they can agree on about health care reform, providing the final push to get it over the top,” said an obviously pleased House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

“Thanks to Rush, we now have an overwhelming majority in both houses of Congress, we should have this wrapped up by the end of the day,” she said.

In recognition of Limbaugh’s support, Pelosi said the reconciliation bill would be renamed the Buy The Big Fat Idiot A Ticket On An Omnibus to Costa Rica Act.

Humor, International, Media, Politics, Religion, Satire

Robertson, Limbaugh sweep Demons Choice Awards

(Westmost, NC) Conservative media personalities were the big winners at yesterday’s Demons Choice Awards, the evil industry’s annual gala held at the Dukes of Hazzard Theater in downtown Westmost.

Talk show host Rush Limbaugh won three awards and television evangelist and Christian Broadcasting Network founder Pat Robertson took home four of the coveted Demons Choice statuettes, the depleted uranium winged lizard with fangs stained with real human blood.

Limbaugh’s politicization of Haiti disaster relief brought him victories in the categories of Satan’s Favorite Handmaiden, Most Likely To Share Hitler’s Dorm Room In Hell, and “The Severed Ear” — which goes to the past year’s highest-rated radio program in Hades.

While Limbaugh won because of his Haiti work, it was Robertson who took repugnance to the next level by falsely blaming God for the Haiti earthquake and deaths of thousands. The Virginia Beach, VA, televangelist won Favorite Hound Of Hell, Most Admired Incubus, and the ceremony’s most coveted award, Spiked Phallus of The Year.

Robertson was also given a fourth honor, the Rev. Jim Jones Lifetime Achievement Award.

Backstage after the ceremony, Robertson flashed a fanged smile for photographers while cradling his radioactive statuettes. However, Robertson’s image failed to register in any of the photos.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

iNews Friday, 10/16/2009

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: The Nobel Prize & Obama Derangement Syndrome
Translation: Treatment not covered by insurance – preexisting condition!

Headline: God is not the Creator, claims academic
Translation: Conservapedia hit by Denial of Metaphysical Service outage

Headline: (Fox) ‘Special Report’ Panel Questions the Nobel Peace Prize
Translation: Probably on a waterboard

Headline: Insurance industry’s last-minute pressure backfiring
Translation: No one believes United Health would really kill the kitten

Headline: Republican Olympia Snowe to support healthcare bill
Translation: Poster of Snowe w/Hitler mustache rolling off presses

Headline: Limbaugh dropped from NFL bid
Translation: Fumble!

Headline: Limbaugh- Checketts approached me
Translation: Rush won’t receive a check of any size from NFL

Headline: Internet All A-Twitter Over Meghan McCain Photo
Translation: Not the first time a McCain has had a problem with boobs

Headline: 4th Grader Asks Obama, “Why Do People Hate You”
Translation: “The same reason Rush wants you to ride on a separate bus”

Humor, Media, Politics, Satire

Limbaugh changes show name – Now “The E.D. Show”

Conservative talk radio host Rush Limbaugh has changed the name of his program, the latest shot in a continuing battle with progressive radio host Ed Schultz.

Limbaugh told his national radio audience this morning that the program will now be called The E.D. Show, a poke at the title of Schultz’s MSNBC program, The Ed Show.

For a long time, Schultz has made it a habit on air to call Limbaugh “the druggster,” a reference to Limbaugh’s 2003 admission of dependency on prescription drugs and Frito-Lay products.

Limbaugh finally struck back three weeks ago, saying on air that Schultz’s show is named after Mr. Ed Grimley, the character created and performed by Martin Short on SCTV and Saturday Night Live.

Schultz responded by challenging Limbaugh to perform a musical number on The Ed Show, leading to Limbaugh’s re-branding announced today.

Limbaugh also announced a sponsorship coup, signing up a major pharmaceutical product as his show’s first-ever title advertiser. “I am proud to say that this program is now The E.D. Show sponsored by Viagra,” Limbaugh intoned.

Entertainment, Humor, Media, Politics, Satire

iNews Friday, 5/22/2009

This week the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator will alpha test an experimental new feature: pattern matching. Instead of a translation, a headline will be paired with ANOTHER headline, as identified by our proprietary punchline algorithms.

Headline: Scientists hail stunning fossil
Pattern Match: The star of NBC’s hottest new show is… Chevy Chase?

Headline: Crying Baby Interrupts Obama as He Speaks on Abortion at Notre Dame
Pattern Match: Michael Steele Offically Announces GOP Opposition to Obama – “The Honeymoon is Over”

Headline: Who will sign Michael Vick?
Pattern Match: AIG unveils candidates to revamp board

Headline: ‘Limbaugh Hasn’t Had a Natural Erection Since the Nixon Administration’
Pattern Match: Climate Change Poses Threat to Synchrony of Shrimp and Its Food

Headline: Rush Limbaugh Calls On Nancy Pelosi to Resign
Pattern Match: Green light for giant wind farm

Headline: Los Angeles vs. Seattle
Pattern Match: Share Your Terrible Trip to Work at My Commute Sucks

Headline: Viewers hand Idol crown to Kris Allen
Pattern Match: Will Norm Coleman Concede?

Elections, Government, Humor, Politics, San Francisco, Satire, Society

GOP rebrands Dems as “Democrat Hussein Oparty”

The Republican National Committee today approved a resolution renaming the Democratic Party the ‘Democrat Hussein Oparty.’ The unanimous vote occurred during a special GOP conference.

When the Republicans announced last week that they would vote on the name change, White House Press secretary Robert Gibbs tried to laugh off the change. “Given the challenges that they face, that’s exactly the way I would be using my time too,” he said, chuckling.

And Democratic chairman Tim Kaine commented that the Republican resolution is “childish.”

However, one Republican said the name change has a precedent. “Democrats used to be called the Democratic-Republicans. But they started becoming un-American in 1844, when they dropped the Republican,” said former House speaker Newt Gingrich.

Prominent Republican Rush Limbaugh agreed, the conservative radio host saying “My egghead friend Newt is correct, we are only saying the Democrats’ name should reflect its leader, the socialist Barack Hussein Obama.”

Republicans took the action over the objections of their chairman, Michael Steele. On Sunday Steele told Meet The Press host David Gregory, “I don’t think that that is an appropriate way to express our views on the issues of the day.”

Limbaugh convened the GOP conference by calling Michael Steele a fraidy cat, giving him a wedgie, and throwing him into a locker.

Limbaugh then called Gibbs “a little baby pablum puker,” wondering aloud if the Obama spokesman wears a bib. Limbaugh worked the delegates into a frenzy, leading them in singsonging, “Gibbs wears a bib, Gibbs wears a bib.”

Limbaugh also gave Governor Kaine the name Candy. “I know you are, but what am I?” Limbaugh responded.

The name Democrat Hussein Oparty went into effect almost immediately, with House minority John Boehner believed to be the first to employ it.

Characterizing as “gross” accusations by Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the CIA had misled her about the use of torture on terrorism suspects, Boehner took to the House floor to call her claim “typical of Democrat Husseins like Speaker Pelosi, a gross San Francisco socialist. Grossy Pelosi, that’s what she is.”

“Grossy Pelosi, Grossy Pelosi,” Boehner said.

In other news, Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) was found today pantsed and hanging from a coathook in the Senate cloakroom. When asked to comment, Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell merely stuck out his lower lip and shrugged.

Humor, Politics, Satire

No more GOP big tent – Can’t find claim check for REI repair counter

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele announced today that his party will no longer use a big tent approach to rebuild its electoral base.

Steele explained that he had decided to abandon the big tent at its current location, the gear repair counter at the REI store in Fairfax, Virginia. “There was a giant hole in the big tent, so Jack Kemp took it in for repair,” said Steele.

Steele said conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh damaged the big tent — an REI Base Camp model — during a teambuilding exercise in March in New Hampshire’s White Mountains.

“Rush said he had to sleep in the big tent, but this meant there was no room in it for anyone else. And while he was in there, he burned the hole in the big tent with a lit cigar.”

Kemp, the former New York congressman who advocated broadening the party’s populist appeal, and was also the 1996 GOP vice presidential nominee, volunteered to drop off the big tent at the Fairfax REI.

However, on May 2 Kemp passed away from cancer, “and now no one knows where the claim check is,” Steele said.

Steele went on to say he tried to get REI to make an exception, without success. “It’s like that green-vested woman didn’t know who I am. And then I remembered: REI is a cooperative, it spreads the wealth among its members,” he said, making airquotes with his fingers.

“I think we all know what that means.”

A committee of GOP moderates led by former Secretary of State Colin Powell has started shopping for a new big tent. But an overwhelming number of Republicans question whether a new big tent is even necessary.

“In view of the Obama recession, the $400 to replace the big tent is an expense we can’t afford,” said former vice president Dick Cheney.

Speaking on the CBS News program Face The Nation on Sunday, Cheney told host Bob Schieffer that any conservatives in need of shelter can huddle in Limbaugh’s ample rain shadow.

“What’s more, his Docker pleated slacks have vast quantities of twill that make for an excellent windbreak,” Cheney said.

Government, Health, Humor, Politics, Satire

Cheney wants to be swine flu czar – Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.

“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”

Cheney - ready to grill our enemies
Cheney - ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.

Humor, Politics, Satire

Limbaugh gets another apology – Bachmann sorry she called Steele “da man”

Broadcaster and de facto Republican Party leader Rush Limbaugh has netted another apology to add to his growing collection of mea culpas from important people who have slighted him in the media.

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) went before reporters today in Washington, DC, and officially withdrew GOP Chairman Michael Steele’s title of “da man,” which she bestowed on him just last week at the Conservative Political Action Conference. Bachmann called unforgivable recent public statements by Steele, in which he called Limbaugh an entertainer, and his show as ugly.

“I am so very, abjectly sorry I told Steele that he be da man instead of Rush, if anyone is da man it’s our leader Rush Limbaugh,” said Bachmann.

“You, you be da man, Rush!” she said, visibly emotional.

“In fact, it is my distinct, deep, pleasure to apologize to Rush. And I do mean pleasure,” said Bachmann, winking.

“I could lie back in his da manly arms and apologize to his bloodshot-red, white and blue eyes all day,” she said.

It was a big day for Limbaugh, apologies-wise. Actor Mary Lynn Rajskub, who plays ‘Chloe’ on the Fox series “24,” apologized for not going past first base with the conservative talker. The two were romatically linked in 2006.

Economics, Humor, Politics, Satire

Limbaugh’s cure for economy – Will burn down America for the insurance

Rush Limbaugh says he has been accused through the years of bashing Democrats, and now President Barack Obama, without offering solutions of his own. This time, the conservative talker says, he wants his critics to know he is putting the country first.

“My friends, I have a plan for getting America out of this economic crisis,” Limbaugh said this morning on his national radio program.

“The elements of my plan are time-tested and, because we’re Republicans, it is a simple plan,” he said.

“I propose we do what many businessmen have done since the dawn of capitalism. Namely, we’re going to burn down the United States for the insurance money,” intoned Limbaugh.

“Think about it, my friends. No one likes insurance companies, it’s time we made them pay up. If it’s an American insurance company, we’d only be getting back what they got in the Wall Street bail out. Billions of dollars returned to us to buy SUVs, plasma TVs, and gold coins from Lear Financial,” he said.

“And if it’s a foreign-owned insurance company, who cares,” Limbaugh added.

“I call on you, my dittohead army. I can’t do this without you. Prepare your glass bottles, your gasoline, your oily rags, your Bic grill lighters. Stand ready and wait for me to broadcast the go-signal, brought to you by the Sleep Number Bed by SelectComfort.”

The radio host says his plan first depends on the failure of President Obama’s economic policies. “I hope he fails,” says Limbaugh.

“The best thing would be another depression. An Obama depression will mean millions of shuttered businesses, all those empty buildings will go up like kindling,” Limbaugh said.

Limbaugh went on to say that his plan will also help ease America’s energy crisis. “I plan to use regular old gasoline as an accelerant. This will lead to fuel scarcity, and price increases. This will help the oil industry weather the Obama depression.”

In other news today, Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele attacked President Obama’s economic stimulus plan. “There are millions for fish passages, but not one dime for defunct web services/catering businesses,” said Steele.