Tag Archives: sarah palin

Economics, Finance, Humor, International, Politics, Satire

Palin advocates for Greek tax avoidance system

Saying the birthplace of western civilization still has much to teach us, Sarah Palin today called on America to adopt Greece’s popular tax avoidance system.

“Everyone likes lower taxes, and it doesn’t get much lower than zero,” said the former Alaska governor.

Palin’s remarks came in the wake of a May 1 International Herald Tribune report that as many as 95% of Greeks underreport their income, or evade taxes entirely.

“Ancient Greece invented many things that are American as apple pie today, such as the Olympics, Grecian Formula and sodomy. We can still learn from them too, because the average U.S. taxpayer is lagging way behind in tax avoiding also,” she said.

Palin described how the Greek system can help achieve an important Republican goal: “As well, the Greece system creates a nation-wide tax protest. People not paying their taxes is a threat to big government. Big government has to cut programs, the people are in the streets risin’ up, and I applaud them.”

“Anyone who wants to be inspired by patriotic Americans need look no further than courageous Greece peoples,” she added.

Most of all, Palin stressed that wider tax avoidance would bring much-needed fairness to the U.S. tax system. “Tax avoidance shouldn’t just be for corporations and the richest one percent,” she declared.

Humor, Politics, Satire, Science

Palin accuses Obama of pallin’ around with Martians

Sarah Palin spoke out forcefully today against Barack Obama’s plan to change the direction of the U.S. space program. “The red planet is red because it’s socialist,” she said of the president’s decision to have NASA undertake a mission to Mars by the 2030s. The charge came as the former Alaska governor campaigned for Senator John McCain’s reelection bid.

Palin’s extensive knowledge of Mars was on display, telling a rally of admirers in the town of Cuello Muy Rojo, Arizona: “As governor of Alaska I could see Mars from Alaska at certain times in the evening.”

“Plus, what I remember from auditing Western Civ at one of those colleges is that Mars is the god of war. Sounds like the sort of place we shouldn’t be sending unarmed space ships,” Palin said.

Noting that another name for Mars is Ares, Palin said the President’s Mars plan is the latest in a pattern of questionable associations, which she first spoke about as McCain’s vice presidential running mate in 2008. “First he was pallin’ around with terrorists like Bill Ayers, which sounds like Ares, so Obama is probably now pallin’ around with Martian terrorists too,” she told the cheering crowd.

Palin said that if Republicans take control of Congress in the fall midterm elections, GOP leaders would seek to replace the Mars plan with one that stresses vigilance over discovery. “Unless we’re talking about discovery of illegal Martian socialists living among us — Bill Ayers — America shouldn’t be trying to go there, we should be stopping them from coming here.”

Palin took the opportunity to voice support for Arizona’s new draconian immigration law, calling the measure long overdue. “The police now have more and stronger tools to stop Draconians from landing on Earth and find the ones who are already here,” she said.

Health, Humor, Politics, Satire, Sports

GOP declares itself March Madness favorite – “We are the maddest of all” says Bachmann

The Republican Party surprised the collegiate basketball world today, when it declared itself the favorite to win this month’s ‘March Madness.’

“If this is about who’s the most insane, it’s a slam dunk for Republicans because we are the maddest of all,” said Rep. Michele Bachmann, the party’s go-to person on derangement issues.

Bachmann touted head coach Michael Steele’s completely insane starting lineup, which has no forwards or center.

The squad’s chief playcaller is Sarah “Death Panels” Palin, who writes all the plays on her hand. She gave up her final year of eligibility at Alaska in order to be drafted in 2008.

Palin is joined in the back court by John “The Tan” Boehner, who once forgot that health care reform bills have passed both the House and Senate.

Then there’s the totally nuts Sen. Jim Bunning from Kentucky, who tried to cut off the unemployment and COBRA benefits of hundreds of thousands of registered voters. He is so popular fans mobbed him as he tried to enter his private elevator, which does not go all the way to the top.

Bunning often feeds the ball to Arizona’s John “Loopy” Kyl, who thinks unemployment benefits make people less likely to look for work.

Finally there is “Crazy Eyes” Bachmann herself, a second-term outpatient from Minnesota who has called for revolution, is suspicious of the Census, and is currently accusing the media of treason.

The GOP also thinks its bench gives it an advantage, deep with senators who play killer defense on health care reform, and House members who can’t bring themselves to call Joseph Stack a terrorist. New sixth man discovery Bob Marshall of Virginia — who says birth defects are God’s punishment for women who aborted their first pregnancies — adds extra delusion to Coach Steele’s playbook.

Assistant Coach Lamar Alexander also brings experience, handing clean sheets of paper to Steele for the hand-tooled leather and diamond-studded Gucci playbook.

The one question mark is veteran Ron Paul, a fan favorite who nonetheless is in Steele’s doghouse and seen his playing time dwindle to nothing.

The Democratic Party had expected to be highly seeded this year, but has seen its March Madness hopes disappear in the past three weeks after both James Traficant and Eric Massa quit the team. Head coach Barack “The Big O” Obama hopes health care reform with no public option is just insane enough to make Democrats this year’s Cinderella squad.

History, Humor, Politics, Rights, Satire, Sports

Palin quits Iditarod

Sarah Palin dropped out of the 2010 Iditarod today, earning her the distinction of being the first former Alaska Governor to quit the storied 1,100 mile endurance challenge.

Palin’s withdrawal comes after two days of disappointments out on the route. Palin was delayed on Saturday in Anchorage when her number one and two dogs Levi and Bristol ran off into the woods together for two hours. As a result the race had to be restarted Sunday.

After the restart Palin failed to shoot any wolves from her sled. “The terrain was unsportsmanlike by being so bumpy that I couldn’t get off a clean shot at any of them dontcha know,” she said Sunday afternoon via satellite phone.

Soon after that Palin was again delayed, this time by a crew from Dog Fancy magazine who had come to photograph Levi for the April centerfold.

Palin suffered another setback Sunday evening when perspiration blurred the directions she had written on her hand. As a result she took a wrong turn in the dark near Yentna Station and fell into last place.

“This is too hard, I quit,” Palin radioed to race officials this morning.

However, the Iditarod will not be a total loss for Palin. She has received a $1.25 million advance from HarperCollins to write a book about how to win the Iditarod, and she gets to keep all the musher apparel and equipment provided by Loki, Go, Neos, and Archie McPhee.

And Bristol is expecting puppies.

In other news, Senator John McCain today explained his decision to include dead people among the signatories of a letter opposing an end to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on gays in the military. “I’m a big supporter of seance,” said the four term Arizona lawmaker. “Our nation has produced many great military leaders like George McClellan, George Armstrong Custer, Bill Westmoreland, and my old navy buddy Matt Perry. Why should we limit ourselves to the opinions of the living, when at stake is whether our men in uniform are comfortable in the showers?”

Humor, Politics, Satire

iNews Friday, 3/12/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Canada defeats USA in overtime
Translation: Eric Cantor calls loss a defeat for Obama – “Time to get out the Zamboni and start over with a smooth sheet of ice”

Headline (photo mode):

Translation: Fortress of Solitude torched by pro-Luthor marchers

Headline: Buffett offers few hints about successors
Translation: No one laid back enough to be next mayor of Margaritaville

Headline: Tea Partiers use Fox to deliver ‘palm message’ to Palin
Translation: “This is your left hand” “This is your right hand”

Headline: How To Identify Census Takers
Translation: Bite marks on census taker’s leg identified as Michele Bachmann’s

Headline: Bunning quits filibuster
Translation: Bunning pitches imperfect game

Headline: NC congressman wants Ronald Reagan put on $50 bill
Translation: Can only be used to pay off national debt

Headline: Sebelius tells insurers rate hikes causing fear
Translation: Insurers say fear a preexisting condition

Headline: Michele Bachmann Reverses Herself on the Census
Translation: Will count herself as -1 persons

Headline: Sebelius calls for openness in insurance rate hikes
Translation: Insurers classify openness as “experimental and investigatory”

Humor, Politics, Religion, Satire

Another Major Recall – Palin’s witchcraft protection failing

Americans already reeling from the Toyota recall were greeted this morning by news of another major recall.

Word of Faith Church founder Bishop Thomas Muthee said his church has recalled its witchcraft protection system, affecting one customer, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Muthee said his church will repair a fault that exposes Palin to spells that can cause her to veer wildly, and experience braking problems such as an inability to stop talking.

The problem with the witchcraft protection system arose last weekend, when strange writing manifested on the palms of Palin’s hands as she spoke at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Her husband, Todd, took her to the local Assembly of God dealership, where the service department diagnosed witchcraft. Muthee was notified, and he began working on a fix.

It was Bishop Muthee who journeyed to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 to install Sarah Palin’s witchcraft protection system, which he described as a dense ethereal coating to keep her “safe from every form of witchcraft.”

“Normally we apply the coating at the factory. But we made an exception in Palin’s case, due to the size of my honorarium,” he said.

Of the current recall, Muthee said that although spontaneous appearance of words on the skin is a clear sign of witchcraft, “English words are quite unusual, normally what we see is in Latin.”

“This points to a younger witch that didn’t learn Latin,” he explained, tracing the defect to the witchcraft protection system not being programmed to account for Barack Hussein Obama. “We didn’t think Kenyan witchcraft would appear in North America,” said Muthee, of Kiambu, Kenya.

This weekend Muthee will travel to New York, where Palin is working as a 2012 presidential candidate for Fox News. “Todd will bring her into the dealership maybe on Monday afternoon and we’ll put her up on the lift. Installing the upgraded witchcraft protection system should take an hour,” he explained.

Muthee maintains witches have enormous influence in America. “There are many examples, such as the song Witchy Woman, and the TV show Bewitched. There are the 2001 Seattle Mariners from the world of sports, and it is the best explanation for Hulu’s move to a subscription-based business model,” said Muthee.

“I was also the first to notice that there is even witchcraft in the Pledge of Allegiance, where it goes, ‘and to the Republic for witch it stands’,” he said.

ERITAS errata: ERITAS is taking this week off
Humor, Politics, Satire

Tea Party movement catches fire – Torches burn down Nashville convention center

The first national convention of the Tea Party movement ended in tragedy Saturday, when fire consumed the the Gaylord Opryland convention hall shortly after former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin concluded her keynote speech to the event’s 1,100 delegates.

Investigators traced the fire’s cause to one of the tea partiers’ favorite symbols of anger: flaming torches, which are as familiar as the movement’s tea bags, tricorner hats and misspelled placards.

The 600,000 square foot conference facility burned fast and hot, constructed as it was from recycled wigs of country-western singers.

“It was like a towering inferno,” said M.F. Nutt, a delegate from Westmost, North Carolina. “I’m going to sue somebody for pain and suffering — Opryland, the wig company, somebody. Luckily we haven’t passed tort reform yet,” Nutt said.

Dozens of delegates were treated for smoke inhalation. But Dr. Tamara Wynette of Vanderbilt University Medical Center said exposure was “equivalent to only a Saturday night in your standard honky tonk.”



Palin: hot prospect for 2012

Governor Palin expressed shock and sorrow at the destruction, and took partial responsibility. “I should have started my speech by telling the audience where the emergency exits were — but those would have been too many words to fit on my hand,” she said.

Convention organizer Judson Phillips said informational literature is being designed around the theme “Fire BAD,” which will be distributed at future Tea Party events.

In other news, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel reiterated his apology for calling progressive Democrats “retarded.”

“I meant to say they have special needs,” Emanuel said.

Health, History, Humor, International, Politics, Satire

GOP split on health care — Bachmann: we didn’t nuke Japan enough – Palin: we nuked them the right amount

A congresswoman’s remarks on Japan’s health care system this week have unexpectedly resulted in a disagreement between two of the Republican Party’s leading personalities.

It all began Tuesday when Rep. Michele Bachmann, addressing home state supporters in Rochester, Minnesota, warned that Democratic health proposals would lead to limits on Americans’ free speech. A government-controlled health plan, she said, would allow the government to threaten its critics by denying them health care.

Bachmann pointed to Japan as an illustration of what happens when the government takes over health care. “You know those old Japanese soldiers who hid in the jungles and didn’t know World War II was over until decades later?” she asked.

“Well what they were hiding from was the government health care system, forced down their throats after the war by that well-known pinko General Douglas MacArthur,” Bachmann said.

Bachmann reminded her audience that the atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were a preemptive action meant to prevent post-war socialism. “Obviously we didn’t nuke them enough,” she said.

Those comments did not sit well with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. The rising GOP star and Fox News commentator questioned Bachmann’s version of history, telling viewers Tuesday night, “I’ve seen M*A*S*H? So I think I’m on on firm ground by pointing out MacArthur was a Korean general, not Japanese?”

Continued Palin: “And not only that, but if you don’t mind me saying so also, the nuking was needed to rouse Godzilla from his slumbering on the ocean floor.”

“Thereto, the three times we nuked Japan was exactly the right amount,” Palin said.

However, in a retort issued through her press office, the Minnesota lawmaker stood by her evaluation that Japan had not been nuked enough. “If all of Japan had been incinerated, it would have saved them from being enslaved by socialist government health care,” Bachmann said.

Humor, Media, Politics, Satire

Palin makes Fox debut

Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin made her first regular appearance as a member of the Fox News team last night, in a performance being widely praised for her ability to point while making eye contact with the camera.

The 2008 Republican vice presidential nominee delivered the network’s 8 pm national weather forecast, showing off her new American Meteorogical Society certification.

Palin said the eastern U.S. establishment should expect continued cold temperatures, “because with a wave of his hand the Almighty is gonna freeze all you elitists in carbonite.”

“Sodomites in San Francisco will experience locusts, fire and brimstone,” she continued. “While in the red states, expect flight delays in the event of Rapture what with all the people flyin’ up to meet Jesus.”

“There’ll be a lot of rain in Seattle, which you could see if it wasn’t covered by all these white swirly things,” said Palin.

“Seattle’s red on this map — not because it’s a red state, but because they’re socialists,” she said.

Palin supporters no doubt had their fingers crossed as their hero concluded her inaugural broadcast with a forecast for the Far East. She rewarded their faith by correctly describing the difference between North and South Korea. “North Korea is the one above the dotted line,” she said.