Tag Archives: seattle

Health care reform would cause kitten to die – Report

A new report is raising concerns about Democratic efforts to reform the national health care system, leading to renewed calls by Republicans to scrap the effort.

The report, commissioned by the insurance industry from accounting giant PricewaterhouseCoopers, found that competition from a public insurance option will cause a kitten to die.

“The kitten is in a sealed box, which is connected to a pressure vessel containing poison gas,” said Tim Birely, a vice president with the insurance company Guardian.

“The gas is controlled by an electronic valve, which is linked to a feed from CSPAN 2. If Congress passes a public option, it will trip the valve, and the kitten will die a horrible, painful, Democratic Obamacare death. We call on Americans to write their Congressmen and implore them not to kill the kitten,” Birely said.

Birely explained that imperiled kittens are a little known yet vital part of the health insurance industry: “We show ’em to the dogs, so when we deny their claims they don’t try to appeal.”

“The only people it doesn’t work on are lawyers, which is why we need the tort reform,” Birely said.

Oct. 20 Local Interest: Trek on over to the Seattle Mayor Candidate Statements!

Nickelsville moves to 4th & James – Unused city land “perfect” for Seattle homeless camp

Nickelsville - Tent city finds a home
Nickelsville - Tent city finds a home

After years of being hustled from site to site in an almost endless game of musical chairs, Nickelsville, the Seattle encampment for the homeless, thinks it has finally found a long-term home.

The city of pink tents, named in honor of Mayor Greg Nickels, has relocated to downtown Seattle only a stone’s throw from the Columbia Center, the Rainier Club, and other prestigious addresses.

It is an overgrown parcel on the roof of unused municipal property. Nickelsville leader Ernie Frandle said a check of public records revealed it is called City Hall.

Standing in midtown Nickelsville this morning, Frandle called it a perfect site for homeless people.

“From our perspective, absolutely nothing is happening at City Hall, no activity at all. So we should be able to stay for a long time,” Frandle said, as reporters dodged tumbleweeds.

A resident who gave her name as Clara is happy with the new digs, saying, “from here we’ll be able to look down on people for a change.”

One floor down, Mayor Nickels said he is happy to host the camp until after the November election. “The camp won’t get in the way of anything I’m doing, since I get most of my work done over at Paul Allen’s office and the Downtown Seattle Association.”

However said the mayor, Nickelsville should find another location after he begins his third term.

“Because being homeless means having to stay on the move, right? A permanent address would kind of defeat the purpose,” Nickels said.

[Google Images: Seattle’s green city hall]

iNews Friday – Seattle edition, 5/29/2009

From the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Bear wanders through Seattle neighborhoods
Translation: “Bear for Mayor” – environmentalist launches mayoral bid

Headline: Letourneau, spouse to host “Hot for Teacher” night
Translation: United Federation of Humorists says Letourneau killing union jobs

Headline: Elusive Bear Makes Another Appearance
Translation: Bear continues “listening tour”

Headline: Former Metro driver who sold cocaine from his bus gets year in prison
Translation: Former Metro driver who sold cocaine from his bus sentenced to drive Route 358 for year

Headline: Trash cans removed from more parks in Seattle
Translation: Candidate bear decries “blatant anti-bear policy”

Headline: Police – ‘Temples’ provided sexual healing
Translation: Oldest Profession to March for Marvin Gaye Rights

Headline: Disabled plane lands at Seattle park
Translation: “Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit drinking soy-caramel triple macchiatos,” air traffic controller says

Headline: Microsoft May Rename Live Search ‘Bing’
Translation: Bing and Bob unite in “The Road to 404”

Headline: Countdown to Light Rail
Translation: Seattle gets ready to put on its big boy pants

Mayor Nickels cuts pork – Rachel The Pig victim of Seattle budget cuts

Rachel and fans - In happier times
Rachel and fans - In happier times

Saying the economic downturn requires tough choices, Seattle mayor Greg Nickels said Pike Place Market municipal ambassador Rachel The Pig would be laid off as part of an effort to cut fat from the city budget. Rachel’s layoff, one of 30, was effective April 19.

“Unfortunately, a projected $24 million falloff in real estate tax collections means the city cannot afford to carry needless pork in the budget,” Nickels explained

“Therefore we have no choice but to cut Rachel’s position, as well as one-week closures of Seattle Public Libraries — which carry DVDs of “Babe” and the book Charlotte’s Web,” he said.

Nickels said that while he regrets the budget cuts, the reductions guarantee full funding for the #1 issue facing Seattle: purchasing a stockpile of road salt for next winter. “I wish we could keep everything, but Seattle doesn’t have a salt pork program. Although that would be delicious,” said the mayor.

Nickelseattlesgreenmayor - Gets seismic upgrade
Nickelseattlesgreenmayor - No seismic upgrade

Nickels said he is making sacrifices too. “I am postponing $1.4 million in planned seismic upgrades to my Herman Miller office chair,” Nickels said.

Saddened supporters of Rachel gathered today at the now empty spot under the Pike Place Market clock, where Rachel posed for tourist photos for 22 years, and served as a rendezvous point for couples meeting through Seattle Weekly personals ads. Rachel fan Sven Ballard said the bronze pig will be missed, but preferred to think of her departure as a much-deserved retirement.

“Rachel worked so hard for so long. The mayor’s staff has assured us Rachel is now living on a farm somewhere near Stanwood. There she can enjoy the clean country air, has lots of room to run, and is able to play with other pig sculptures,” Ballard said.

No iNews this week
Legislature averts disaster – Almost forgot to f@#k education

iNews Friday, 4/3/2009

From the iNews 9000 wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: EPA to monitor air around 62 schools
Translation: They who monitor it, dealt it

Headline: Democrats Unveil Ambitious Global Warming Bill
Translation: 15% tip for major polluting industries is automatically added to your bill

Headline: Daley warms to the idea of letting KFC fix city’s potholes
Translation: Extra crispy coating cheaper than asphalt, lasts longer – BBQ style automatically de-ices streets in winter

Headline: Workers angry about job cuts hold managers hostage at French Caterpillar factory
Translation: Standoff ends when workers transform into butterflies

Headline: Minn. Judges Limit Recount In Senate Race
Translation: Oh three-judge panel, where have you been the last four months?

Headline: Enviros, plastic industry ready to battle over bag fee
Translation: Plastic lobbyists arrive in Seattle

Headline: Promises of “Fresh Start” for US-Russia Relations
Translation: “Nice ‘n’ Soft” Pact is off, Cuddles won’t be next Russian bear – Daniel Craig on short list?

Headline: A Rare Triumph of Substance at the Summit
Translation: “I coulda done that. I just chose not to,” Bush says

Headline: Novo Nordisk Still Committed To Liraglutide Launch
Translation: New prescription version of Astroglide to hit market, will ease insertion of insurance rate hikes