Tag Archives: tea party

Tea Party movement catches fire – Torches burn down Nashville convention center

The first national convention of the Tea Party movement ended in tragedy Saturday, when fire consumed the the Gaylord Opryland convention hall shortly after former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin concluded her keynote speech to the event’s 1,100 delegates.

Investigators traced the fire’s cause to one of the tea partiers’ favorite symbols of anger: flaming torches, which are as familiar as the movement’s tea bags, tricorner hats and misspelled placards.

The 600,000 square foot conference facility burned fast and hot, constructed as it was from recycled wigs of country-western singers.

“It was like a towering inferno,” said M.F. Nutt, a delegate from Westmost, North Carolina. “I’m going to sue somebody for pain and suffering — Opryland, the wig company, somebody. Luckily we haven’t passed tort reform yet,” Nutt said.

Dozens of delegates were treated for smoke inhalation. But Dr. Tamara Wynette of Vanderbilt University Medical Center said exposure was “equivalent to only a Saturday night in your standard honky tonk.”

Palin: hot prospect for 2012

Governor Palin expressed shock and sorrow at the destruction, and took partial responsibility. “I should have started my speech by telling the audience where the emergency exits were — but those would have been too many words to fit on my hand,” she said.

Convention organizer Judson Phillips said informational literature is being designed around the theme “Fire BAD,” which will be distributed at future Tea Party events.

In other news, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel reiterated his apology for calling progressive Democrats “retarded.”

“I meant to say they have special needs,” Emanuel said.

Tea Partiers Fight for Liberty – Demand cuts to crusts of cucumber sandwiches

Organizers of the “tea party” tax protests were flush with success today, as thousands of their supporters gathered to send a message to their leaders in Washington DC.

At packed gatherings coast to coast, protesters sipped tea from elegant china cups. All agreed they had had enough of high federal tax rates that are the lowest since the presidency of George H.W. Bush.

Brevard P. Ditto of Gatlinburg, Tennessee, organized a tea party in his neighborhood. Ditto said he wanted to send a message to Big Government: “I oppose taxation without representation for the millions of Americans like me who aren’t registered to vote,” said Ditto. Ditto toasted the occasion with a delicate Wedgwood cup of orange pekoe, pinky thrust correctly and defiantly into the air.

Tea Party salute - The new symbol of anti-establishment defiance
Tea Party salute - The new symbol of anti-establishment defiance
Pinkies were held aloft throughout the Ditto tea party as the discussion ranged over a number of hot-button issues such as creeping socialism, creeping fascism, Starfleet’s secret war in the Gamma Quadrant, and removing the Do Not Remove tag on your mattress.

Most agreed that the greatest tyranny is that participating in democracy requires voting.

Ditto said he doesn’t vote because of what he calls “the math.”

“The idea that John McCain and Sarah Palin’s 46% wasn’t more than half of the votes cast, it doesn’t make sense. How can a minority like Obama win a majority? It smells like socialism to me,” said Ditto.

Ditto friend Billy Ray Enencephaly said he has more important things to do than vote, like watch educational television. “I made the tea party cucumber sandwiches by watching a demonstration on the Martha Stewart show,” said Enencephaly.

Enencephaly, sipping lapsang souchong, said he had an epiphany during program. “Government needs to be cut like the crusts off cucumber sandwiches. Cut the crusts! Cut the crusts!” he repeated, and the cry was quickly taken up by the entire tea party.

Enencephaly went on to offer this reporter a petit four. “The government obviously convicted Martha of insider trading to stop her from telling the truth about crusts. But she is showing us the way now,” he said.

Partygoer Bertha Lampoon said fundamental changes in the system must occur before she will consider voting. “Who got to make the rules? Why are there only ten amendments in the Bill of Rights? Why are there twelve Supreme Court justices? No one asked my opinion.”

“I support our troops, but the constitution won’t let the Pentagon quarter troops in my house. It’s a restraint on liberty!” Lampoon declared, pinky raised.

Ditto said he would have another tea party, even though he has encountered discrimination, he claims. “Liberal latte-drinkers have been ridiculing us for having tea parties. But the constitution gives us the right to assemble, and tea parties are assemblies, right? Well we’ll never stop fighting for our right to tea party,” Ditto said.

Conservatives rattled when saber stays sheathed

Armchair diplomats across America were disappointed yesterday, when the official Saber Of The United States was not used in the rescue of ship Captain Richard Phillips. Phillips, held hostage by Somali pirates for five days following a failed attempt to seize his ship the Maersk Alabama, was rescued by U.S. Navy SEALS in a lightning operation Sunday.

“It was the most boring match-up I’ve ever seen,” said nationally syndicated talk show host Rush Limbaugh, who had been promoting the event as Sooper Dooper Sunday. Continue reading Conservatives rattled when saber stays sheathed