Tag Archives: teabaggers

Long lines mean Soviet-style shortages are here, Tea Party blogger says

President Obama is creating an economic disaster, a prominent Tea Party activist said today.

“Long lines for bread, clothing and toilet paper were common in the Soviet Union and now we’re seeing the same sort of thing here — long Apple Store lines means socialism has arrived,” movement leader Mike Vanderfrandle wrote in his well-known blog Americans Seeing Socialism Everywhere in Society (A.S.S.E.S.).

Interviewed by PC Üser Alles magazine, Vanderfrandle cited recent occurrences of long store lines in many parts of the country as evidence of shortages.

Vanderfrandle said he had a realization when he saw TV news coverage of customers waiting all night outside Apple Stores for the introduction of the company’s highly anticipated iPad tablet computer.

“I realized it had to have been caused by the Obama Administration’s tax and health care policies,” said Vanderfrandle, “a socialist, big-government fascist conspiracy against us in the Tea Party who only learned to type with two fingers.”

Explaining that he currently dictates his blog to a third grade student who can type, Vanderfrandle said a touchscreen computer would make A.S.S.E.S. and other right-wing bloggers more self-reliant. “An iPad just needs one finger to use, so obviously the Democrat Party has to prevent us from getting our hands on iPads,” he said.

Vanderfrandle doesn’t believe claims that lines at Apple Stores are long only because the iPad is so popular. “If it’s so popular why didn’t they simply make more of them in the first place? No, it can’t be a coincidence that this so-called shortage happened right after passage of Obamacare.”

And has Vanderfrandle ordered an iPad himself?

“Are you crazy? I’m on Social Security disability and Food Stamps, I can’t afford an iPad.”

In a closely related story, Vanderfrandle has blogged that all Tea Party bloggers should get iPads to replace their harder to use PCs. “Break Dell, Gateway, and HP! Break their Windows 7. Break them NOW. Reboot and break them again,” he wrote.

Tea Party leader – “doing all we can to end big government” by using as much of its services as possible

A Tea Party founder said today that his movement’s fight against big government is succeeding. TeaParty.org president Dale Robertson also denied ever reading racist signs at Tea Party protest rallies.

“We are doing all we can to end big government by signing up for all the government handouts we can,” Robertson told Geuters news service.

“A socialist government needs money to exist, we can kill it by by using as much of its services as possible and draining all the money out of it,” he said.

“Social Security, Medicare, food stamps, and unemployment benefits — especially unemployment– Americans who love their country should sign up to overload all these collectivist programs and bankrupt them,” Robertson said.

Robertson went on to advise patriotic Americans to use food stamps to purchase meat. “The USDA can only check so much meat for E. coli. What we want is to buy more meat than government’s capacity to inspect, forcing it to admit defeat and shut down food safety,”

The former Marine said he was already fighting the government takeover of health care by using Veterans Administration single-payer medical services as much as possible. “I am also taking a stand against the socialist bailout that saw government take over too big to fail insurance companies like AIG. I’m burning things down and filing claims,” he said, explaining the tactic has the added benefits of straining collectivist fire departments, and clogging the collectivist public street system with emergency vehicles.

Robertson said he drew inspiration from President Ronald Reagan in designing his anti-big government strategy: “Back before President George W. Bush privatized a lot of the military, Reagan poured billions into single-payer defense spending, forcing the Soviet Union to overspend on its collectivist military. This brought an end to the Cold War.”


Robertson
Admits Tea Party movement is illiterate

“Washington is going to get our message that socialism benefits no one, loud and clear,” Robertson said confidently.

Robertson also reacted to critics who have called the Tea Party movement racist. “I have never read a racist sign at a Tea Party rally, nor do I know anyone who has. We’re all basically illiterate,” he said.

In other news, House Minority Leader John Boehner said today that he is among the millions of Americans who could be made penniless due to the new tax on tanning parlors imposed by the new health care overhaul.

Another Major Recall – Palin’s witchcraft protection failing

Americans already reeling from the Toyota recall were greeted this morning by news of another major recall.

Word of Faith Church founder Bishop Thomas Muthee said his church has recalled its witchcraft protection system, affecting one customer, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Muthee said his church will repair a fault that exposes Palin to spells that can cause her to veer wildly, and experience braking problems such as an inability to stop talking.

The problem with the witchcraft protection system arose last weekend, when strange writing manifested on the palms of Palin’s hands as she spoke at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Her husband, Todd, took her to the local Assembly of God dealership, where the service department diagnosed witchcraft. Muthee was notified, and he began working on a fix.

It was Bishop Muthee who journeyed to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 to install Sarah Palin’s witchcraft protection system, which he described as a dense ethereal coating to keep her “safe from every form of witchcraft.”

“Normally we apply the coating at the factory. But we made an exception in Palin’s case, due to the size of my honorarium,” he said.

Of the current recall, Muthee said that although spontaneous appearance of words on the skin is a clear sign of witchcraft, “English words are quite unusual, normally what we see is in Latin.”

“This points to a younger witch that didn’t learn Latin,” he explained, tracing the defect to the witchcraft protection system not being programmed to account for Barack Hussein Obama. “We didn’t think Kenyan witchcraft would appear in North America,” said Muthee, of Kiambu, Kenya.

This weekend Muthee will travel to New York, where Palin is working as a 2012 presidential candidate for Fox News. “Todd will bring her into the dealership maybe on Monday afternoon and we’ll put her up on the lift. Installing the upgraded witchcraft protection system should take an hour,” he explained.

Muthee maintains witches have enormous influence in America. “There are many examples, such as the song Witchy Woman, and the TV show Bewitched. There are the 2001 Seattle Mariners from the world of sports, and it is the best explanation for Hulu’s move to a subscription-based business model,” said Muthee.

“I was also the first to notice that there is even witchcraft in the Pledge of Allegiance, where it goes, ‘and to the Republic for witch it stands’,” he said.

ERITAS errata: ERITAS is taking this week off

iNews Friday, 2/12/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Edwards’ mistress seeks return of alleged sex tape
Translation: Edwards fined $1 rewind charge

Headline: Tea Party supporters grapple for a vision
Translation: Myopia, tunnel vision make it hard to focus

Headline:

Translation: How a teabagger texts
Headline: ‘Mein Kampf’ to see its first post-WWII publication in Germany
Translation: Under new title–
+

Headline: US rejects EU diplomacy over Iran N program
Translation: Lieberman and Kerry, sittin’ in a tree

Headline: John Mayer Says “My dick is a white supremicist”
Translation: Mayer’s dick to perform at next Tea Party convention

Headline: Rahm Emanuel “apologizes” to Sarah Palin on Saturday Night Live
Translation: SNL enters its Regulatory Capture phase

Headline: Nigeria’s New Acting President Calls for Unity
Translation: And your kind help in releasing funds from a bank account

Headline: Obama’s rocky relationship with the Republicans
Translation: Note to POTUS- do NOT forget Valentine’s Day

Headline: Comcast to become XFinity‎
Translation: Cable bills continue climb toward infinity

Headline: Senators Advance Bipartisan Jobs Bill
Translation: McConnell opposes jobs for Democrats

Headline: Designer Alexander McQueen found dead
Translation: Kate Moss – “but I have nothing to wear to Haiti benefit”

Headline: China urges U.S. to cancel Obama-Dalai Lama meeting
Translation: “…or your account will be sent to collection”

Headline: Mandela makes appearance
Translation
: 6 more weeks of Jacob Zuma administration

Headline: Senators Strike Bipartisan Deal on Job Creation
Translation: Expected to pass on party line vote

Tea Party movement catches fire – Torches burn down Nashville convention center

The first national convention of the Tea Party movement ended in tragedy Saturday, when fire consumed the the Gaylord Opryland convention hall shortly after former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin concluded her keynote speech to the event’s 1,100 delegates.

Investigators traced the fire’s cause to one of the tea partiers’ favorite symbols of anger: flaming torches, which are as familiar as the movement’s tea bags, tricorner hats and misspelled placards.

The 600,000 square foot conference facility burned fast and hot, constructed as it was from recycled wigs of country-western singers.

“It was like a towering inferno,” said M.F. Nutt, a delegate from Westmost, North Carolina. “I’m going to sue somebody for pain and suffering — Opryland, the wig company, somebody. Luckily we haven’t passed tort reform yet,” Nutt said.

Dozens of delegates were treated for smoke inhalation. But Dr. Tamara Wynette of Vanderbilt University Medical Center said exposure was “equivalent to only a Saturday night in your standard honky tonk.”



Palin: hot prospect for 2012

Governor Palin expressed shock and sorrow at the destruction, and took partial responsibility. “I should have started my speech by telling the audience where the emergency exits were — but those would have been too many words to fit on my hand,” she said.

Convention organizer Judson Phillips said informational literature is being designed around the theme “Fire BAD,” which will be distributed at future Tea Party events.

In other news, White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel reiterated his apology for calling progressive Democrats “retarded.”

“I meant to say they have special needs,” Emanuel said.

9-12ers decry liberal media – Want fear, end to Michael Moore movie marathons

(Washington DC) Eight years after terrorists flew planes into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, an estimated 30,000 people marched on the capitol yesterday to remember the day after the attacks of September 11, 2001.

The marchers, who call themselves “9-12ers,” said they want to remind Americans of the confusion, fear and anger they felt the morning of September 12, 2001. Many said the confusion, fear and anger that served as the basis of Bush Administration policy should continue to determine national policy, and hoped President Barack Obama would receive their message.

“Hussein Obama hasn’t changed the color coded terror alert status, nor issued a single vague warning from the Vice President’s office. I think he has forgotten he is supposed to protect the Merican people,” said M.F. Nutt, who marched down Pennsylvania Avenue after driving nine hours from Westmost, North Carolina.

Accompanying him was his wife, Shirley A. Nutt. She said too many people are trying to move the country forward. “Where’s the September 12th fear? For most people I talk to, the sheer terror of that day isn’t sharp anymore,” said Mrs. Nutt.

“It’s like they want life to be normal, with all their talk about jobs and pubic options. Well, normal life is dangerous. What about attacks on our water supply? Pen guns? Radio controlled airplanes as bombs? Women taking bottles of breast milk onto airplanes?” she wondered.

“These are threats people need to stay afraid of, so we’ll stay alert,” she said, adding that she always serves caffeinated black tea at meetings of her Tea Party Patriots chapter.

Another North Carolinian marcher, Barnard “Barney” Fife of Mount Pilot, said the media is to blame for normalcy.

Fife, a police lieutenant and SWAT team commander for the Mount Pilot Metro Police, displayed a thick journal of notes he keeps when watching television news and visiting network and newspaper web sites. The results, he said, show that the media has an overwhelming liberal bias.

“Only Glenn Beck talks about the National Endowment of the Arts takeover of Merica headquartered at Rockefeller Center, but even he doesn’t mention the role of militant peace activists, the Illuminati, and the Shriners,” said Fife.

“All you see on TV now is hour after hour of Michael Moore movies, 24/7. I tell you, it needs to stop before we get hit again,” he said.

Obama speaks to half-empty Congress – Absent members had notes from parents

President Barack Obama addressed a half-empty joint session of Congress last night, further evidence of the polarization of the ongoing debate surrounding health reform.

The president used his speech to forcefully state his vision for reform, which included an end to rescission and preexisting conditions, and a limited public option. However, he laid the groundwork for constructive compromise with conservative critics by proposing torte reform pilot projects and revenue neutrality.

Obama also devoted significant portion of time to urging representatives and senators to work hard and stay in Congress, even though they might rather still be on their August recess. “Not every committee hearing you attend may be interesting. Every bill you work on may not seem relevant to your life. But the work you do here this year will help enact real health reform for the American people,” Obama said.

However, his words were largely unheard, with no-shows evident among the Republican and Blue Dog contingents. Many seats in the House chamber were empty, with parents of senators and representatives representing red and swing districts choosing to opt out of their children hearing the speech.

The concerns of Adele Cantor of Virginia reflected those of fellow parents. “The idea of him talking to my son just didn’t seem appropriate,” said Mrs. Cantor.

“I mean, I’m not a student of civics or anything, but I can’t remember a president ever speaking to Congress before. Political recruiting in Congress for legislation sounds like Communism,” she said.

Fred Baucus of Montana said he was fearful of the effect of the president’s words, since Congress is a captive audience. “Hussein Obama is trying to indoctrinate Congress, to subvert the role of lobbyists in making our laws,” he said.

In Ohio, Lois Boehner wanted to know why Obama is allowed to call all the joint sessions of Congress. “I voted for McCain-Palin, and I believe their policies should govern us. Why doesn’t McCain get to call 45% of the joint sessions?”

The principal leaders of Congressional Democrats and Republicans bowed to parental wishes and did not allow discussion following the president’s message. Majority Leader Harry Reid said the Senate is not the place for controversial topics. “Follow-up conversation may happen at home with parents,” Reid said.

In a related story, President Obama paused briefly during his speech in order to take away Rep. Joe Wilson’s (R-SC) Pokemon cards. “You’ll get them back in June. Now go to the Math Center,” the president told Wilson.

Fearful lawmakers cancel health forums – Pro-reform crowds armed with facts

Alarm about the intensity of debate has prompted more members of Congress to cancel planned town hall style meetings on health care reform. This time it is Republican members doing the canceling, citing concerns over attendance by potentially armed citizens.

“Last weekend a number of my colleagues reported their meetings being disrupted by polite people armed with facts,” said Rep. Heath Lackey, a Republican who represents the district that includes Westmost, North Carolina. He held a Saturday session there, but canceled a planned Sunday session after concluding attendance by people openly armed with facts posed a significant danger.

Lackey also said his office has been receiving a steady stream of spell-checked, unabusive letters and e-mails from non-anonymous people.

Forums held earlier in the lawmakers’ August recess were dominated by anti-reform citizens who shouted down representatives, senators and others in the audience. Some silently exercised their Second Amendment rights.

In contrast, the end of the recess has degenerated into articulate presentations by so-called ‘Reform-ers’ — supporters of reform and the public option. Almost all of them come to the meetings armed with facts and vocabularies. Conservative blogs and websites have posted photos of reform-ers using their inside voices and in possession of ammunition in large magazines, like the New Yorker and Harper’s.

The open display of intelligent expression worries many of Lackey’s constituents like M.F. Nutt of Westmost. He describes himself as “a birther and a deather, like most regular people around here.” Nutt attended Lackey’s Saturday forum, but left early when he saw people carrying facts and that there was a Hannah Montana marathon starting on the Disney Channel.

“It was like at any moment one of those smart people could have snapped and shot my belief system full of holes. I feel I was lucky to escape,” said Nutt.

“Those people are simply not crazy,” agreed Shirley A. Nutt, who watched the Hannah Montana marathon with her husband. “Reform-ers claim insurance companies will use ‘preexisting conditions’ to kill sick people. Reform-ers are just trying to scare people who have preexisting conditions,” she said.

“It is really sad, and sadder that they’re setting such a poor example for the children,” she added.

“Yeah, ‘Teach your children well,’ like that commie hippie group,” observed her husband.

“Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young,” his wife replied, also noting that Nash and Young were not even born in the United States.

Law enforcement officials say there is no restriction on carrying facts in public despite the alarm it can cause.

Sheriff Andrew Taylor of nearby Mayberry, North Carolina, assured the public there is no danger. “We got the same kind of 911 calls a couple of weeks ago, from people freaked out over reform-ers who were openly carrying video cameras,” Taylor said.

“I’ll tell you now what I told them then: folks need to just calm down and get educated on the issues. ‘Teach your children well,’ as the song goes,” said Taylor, who is facing a September recall election.

Also today: Beck claims Americorps will be Obama’s Starfleet

Wiseline Institute NeWs Service is now
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Opposition to bringing detainees to U.S. – Domestic terrorists against cheap imports

A leading interest group today announced its opposition to President Obama’s plan to bring suspected terrorists housed at Guantanamo Bay to the U.S. for trial.

The group, Theocracy Economics for America – Buy A Gun (T.E.A.-B.A.G.), said bringing detainees to U.S. soil threatens the livelihoods of domestic terrorists.

Riley C. O’Yote, spokesperson for T.E.A.-B.A.G. charged that the White House wants to import cheap, knock off terrorists purchased in the mideast for only $500 each.

“If imported terrorists are allowed to come in and take those jobs, homegrown terrorists might have to leave the non-conspiracy sector and resort to getting educations in dead-end fields like engineering, teaching and software development,” said O’Yote.

O’Yote said he can’t understand why the Obama Administration is bringing foreign insurgents to the U.S., when the focus of economic recovery should be on protecting existing jobs in careers such as militiamen, anti-choice snipers, Klan wannabes, and FOX News commentators.

“If American abortion doctors, women’s clinics, government facilities and infrastructure are going to be threatened, those threats should be issued by American terrorists, earning a living wage,” he said.

Some conservative economists agree with the T.E.A.-B.A.G. argument against imported terrorists. Wayne L. Saltpeter, who studies the ammunition futures market, says the homegrown terror sector needs protection. “This is the one growth industry we have, since the demise of the securitized mortgage bundle.”

“I think people forget that for every Planned Parenthood office, there’s a picket line struggling to meet basic expenses. Full-color posters of aborted fetuses aren’t cheap at Kinko’s,” Saltpeter added.

Saltpeter also touted the enormous economic ripple effect of terror, in sales of ammunition, freeze dried food, and teabags.

However, other conservative experts counter that it is difficult to design a pro-nutjob policy, because the value of the sector is hard to quantify.

“No one really know how much domestic whackos earn, as they don’t file tax returns with the IRS,” says Dr. Hilton Graybar, Endowed Fellow of Penal Studies at the Richard B. Cheney Institute for Penitentary Entrepreneurship.

“It’s probably more than $500, but how much more? Who can say,” Graybar said.

Graybar says the U.S. prison industry would benefit from the Obama policy, due to a high vacancy rate in private prisons. “There was a lot of overconstruction during 2001 through 2008, resulting in the current high vacancy rate,” he said, therefore imported detainees would be an immediate shot in the arm for the prison investment market.