Tag Archives: terrorism

New magazine jolts publishing world – TSA body scans to appear in “Public Screenings”

The White House announced the first stage of a new business diversification plan today, launching the first-ever government owned monthly magazine.

“Public Screenings” will carry images of airline passengers taken by Transportation Security Administration using the new millimeter-wave scanning machines.

Press secretary Robert Gibbs said the TSA originally planned to release the photos in the Federal Register, as a way to preempt the paperwork burden of responding to inevitable Freedom of Information Act requests by Maxim, FHM and Fox News.

However, the Office of Management and Budget reviewed the project and immediately saw how a new magazine, when coupled with the public’s insatiable interest in seeing people naked, could result in a major new revenue source.

Press secretary featured in spread in premiere issue

Gibbs cited how the tens of millions of people who fly every year would quickly create a huge collection of body scans of people from all walks of life — including the rich and famous. “The sales of issues containing Tiger Woods mistresses alone could pay for three years worth of the upcoming military occupation of Yemen,” Gibbs said, adding: “Whoopsie.”

OMB projections see newsstand sales erasing the national debt by June.

However, the private sector publishing world denounced “Public Screenings” as exploitation and an invasion of privacy, and called the idea of a federally-published magazine socialistic.

“Americans don’t want a bureaucrat standing between them and their paparazzi, we already have the best private naked picture delivery system in the world,” said Vernon H.W. Lechér, spokesman for the U.S. chapter of the British Institute of Nude Observation Clubs United for Laws Against Robes (B.I.N.O.C.U.L.A.R.), a free-market less privacy rights organization.

“This is a job killer. If Barack Obama has his way, instead of lurking in bushes with telephoto lenses, thousands of independent photographic entrepreneurs will be living under those bushes,” Lechér said.

Instead, Government should cut regulations on independent photographic entrepreneurs. “Imagine what the Globe or National Enquirer could do with those TSA body scanners — provided all local voyeur laws are canceled by executive order,” said Lechér.

“Honest people with curtains and nothing to hide should have no objections,” he added.

In other news, Fox News commentator Brit Hume said yesterday that he meant no offense to Buddhism when he advised prodigal golfer Tiger Woods to become a Christian. “I was only saying that his kitchen floor would be cleaner and shinier with new improved Christianity, over Buddhism or other kinds of witchcraft,” Hume told Fox’s Bill O’Reilly.

GOP slams Obama on pardon – Annual Turkey-based post

The senior House Republican said today his party was right to oppose the Obama administration’s decision to bring accused terrorists to the U.S. for trial, shortly after the President issued a pardon for a member of the terror cell al-Tryptophan.

Tahm Turqi abu Wattle had been held at Camp Butterball since 2004, classified as a juicy and crispy enemy combatant. Civil liberties groups have claimed Camp Butterball detainess are subjected to interrogation methods — such as trussing, brine-boarding and being poked with instant-read thermometers — that amount to torture.

“We told you so,” House Minority Leader John Boehner said today on Michael Savage’s Savage Nation radio program. Republicans had earlier predicted terrorists could manipulate American courts or escape from custody.

“We told you we never should have brought the prisoner to American soil.  We told you he’d find a way to get released, and we were right,” Boehner said.

“A gibletist jihadist from Turkey has been loosed on the American homeland. We’ll be hit with gravy of mass waistlines, and President Obama will be to blame,” Boehner said.

Savage said the president doesn’t understand the threat. “A man with such low body fat and rippling six-pack can’t comprehend the carbohydrate threat of stuffing,” Savage said.

Senator Joe Lieberman (Connecticut for Lieberman Party-CT) took to the Senate floor to express his disgust for the pardon. “I predicted that bringing a seasoned terrorist to our soil would give him a stage for his beliefs, and he took advantage of it. He wants Islam to gobble up America! All he talked about was gobble-gobble, gobble-gobble!”

Lieberman went on to say that al-Tryptophan likely is plotting to lull Americans to sleep in front of the TV so they will miss the end of the Big Game.

(Annual Turkey-Based Post ©2009 Wiseline Institute NW & Center For The Secular Humorism)

No iNews this week
Get all the iNews on Twitter