Tag Archives: torture

Trip to fetish club “was research to protect the homeland”

The Republican Party consultant who was reimbursed nearly $2,000 for a trip to a bondage-themed Los Angeles nightclub said today the visit was legitimate political business. “It was research to protect the homeland,” said Erik Brown, president of a Southern California consulting firm.

According to Brown, he and several GOP donors went to Voyeur West Hollywood on a fact-finding mission to help inform Republican proposals regarding detention and interrogation of terrorism suspects.

“Republicans are running in the 2010 midterm elections on our national security credentials, but we need to make sure our thinking is state of the art,” said Brown, whose company specializes in direct male services for political campaigns.

“Fortunately, the doorman at our hotel said if we wanted to learn about how to restrain and punish those who misbehave, best practices can be found at the Voyeur,” he explained.


Inside the Voyeur club

Brown says the knowledge gained is worth the controversy it is generating. “What I’m doing is gathering new options for future Republican presidents to use against the terrorists. Al Qaeda knows all our current methods, because they’ve had years to study Abu Ghraib. They know we make captured terrorists wear women’s panties on their faces and put dog collars on them, and they train their operatives accordingly, especially in forming naked pyramids,” he said.

But Brown understands some Republicans may object to how the party is spending their donations, and has an apology. “I’m sorry,” he said, “if people think $1,946 is too much to pay to keep Americans safe.”

Cheney resting uncomfortably

Former vice president Dick Cheney is resting uncomfortably today, after being rushed to Guantanamo Bay Medical Center on Monday complaining of chest pains.

But the ex-second-in-commander-in-chief is never far from controversy and this time it has followed him to his hospital bed, with Cheney’s doctor defending against questions surrounding the treatment methods being used.

Cheney was home working on his memoirs when the chest pains started. “I was dictating into a tape recorder, but it wasn’t going well, the words weren’t coming,” explained Cheney, “so I told Dr. Yoo to torture me until I started talking.”

“He kept up the pressure until I had another three chapters,” he said.

Asked if he is still experiencing discomfort, Cheney replied, “Of course there’s discomfort, I love discomfort. But these were just twinges, I give myself worse taserings most mornings before breakfast.”

The revelation that Cheney’s personal physician, Dr. John Yoo, was present and actually caused the cardiac event was downplayed by Yoo himself.

“I’ve sent a paper — a long memo, really — to JAMA declaring cardiac torture is a valid treatment for a heart attack.” The paper is peer-reviewed, “I reviewed it myself,” said Yoo.

A copy of the memo obtained by reporters includes Yoo’s conclusion that traditional, non-torture cardiac intervention is allowable — so long as there is no “intention to inflict serious physical injury, such as organ failure, impairment of bodily function, or even death.”

Yoo also responded to critics who question how a treatment can come before the event it is supposed to have treated. “The idea that Mr. Cheney should be restricted to a linear timeline is quaint,” Yoo said.

Rumsfeld on waterboarding – US was keeping detainees well-hydrated

In a surprising break with other former Bush Administration officials, former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said today that waterboarding was not used to torture prisoners at the US facility at Guantanamo Bay.

“Our critics have it totally wrong. My stars, waterboarding would be illegal. The way we put pressure on terror suspects was to deny them water. See? Totally different,” the former Pentagon chief told reporters.

Rumsfeld’s startling assertion is at odds with statements by former vice president Dick Cheney, former attorney general Michael Mukasey, former CIA director Michael Hayden, and others, all who have admitted that waterboarding was used at the Guantanamo facility.

Moreover, they say Justice Department memos made waterboarding legal, classifying the practice as ‘enhanced interrogation.’

But Rumsfeld said such legal distinctions are not necessary. “We used waterboarding to keep prisoners well-hydrated after depriving them of drinking water, and not as an enhanced interrogation technique.”

“The result isn’t torture, it’s thirst. Harmless. Good heavens, I get thirsty every day,” said Rumsfeld.

Rumsfeld demanded release of a 2003 Justice Department memo that established a legal dehydration policy. “It says that if you don’t let someone have water, they’re going to get dehydrated. There was an entire appendix devoted to celebrity dehydration, like Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse.”

“So after days of deprivation but before the point of dehydration, we would give the detainees water. A lot of water. Cheese and biscuits, one time we rehydrated Kaleed Sheikh Mohammed 183 times in a month,” Rumsfeld said.

Rumsfeld denied Amnesty International accusations that this is really waterboarding in disguise, calling the organization misinformed.

“When they get this water, are they lying on a board? Sure. With a cloth over their faces? Could be. But Sweet Betsy, if that’s illegal you can go right ahead and make Perrier, lumber yards, and Jo-Ann Fabrics illegal too,” he said.

Doctors shrink Cheney swelling – Preparation H treatment makes ex-VP less of an asshole

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is resting comfortably in a Washington D.C. hospital this afternoon, hours after undergoing emergency treatment for being an asshole.

Cheney was delivering a televised rebuttal of President Obama’s speech on policy toward terror detainees at Guantanamo Bay, when onlookers noticed Cheney was experiencing swelling.

Sandra Betacam, a camera operator for C-SPAN, credited training in first aid for helping her recognize the early warning signs of an asshole attack.

“Cheney had just called for creation of an untruth commission, when his upper lip started curling, followed by hyperventilation and exhibiting ignorance of the Constitution,” said Betacam.

Betacam said that when she and others realized what was happening, they donned filter masks to avoid being overcome by gasses, then administered aid to Cheney. Betacam tightened Cheney’s necktie, while others tried to make sure he swallowed his own tongue.

Cheney was transported to Georgetown University Hospital, where medical staff immersed Cheney in a bath of Preparation H. After an hour he was shrunken enough to permit him to make a threatening phone call to Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-VT).

GU Hospital spokesman Bill Able said regular treatment can make assholes like Cheney bearable.

“It’s usually an incurable condition. But, Preparation H can control the condition to the extent that Cheney can probably live a normal life,” said Bill Able.

“But even then, I wouldn’t let him operate any heavy machinery, death squads or prison camps,” he said.

Cheney wants to be swine flu czar – Would torture pigs to uncover plots

Continuing to assert his relevancy in national affairs, former Vice President Dick Cheney today called on President Obama to appoint him to head the government’s response to the swine flu pandemic.

As swine flu czar, Cheney will use the knowledge he gained in keeping America safe in seven of the eight years of the Bush administration.

“Let’s be frank here. The homeland is under threat,” warned Cheney.

“The swine flu threat is invisible, and fortunately I have lots of experience with invisible threats. Based on my experience, the only way to nip this swine flu threat in the bud is to round up as many pigs as possible and start interrogating them,” Cheney said.

Cheney went on to describe the threat as a ticking bomb-type scenario. “So we need to do whatever it takes to get information about where the pigs intend to launch their next flu attack.”

Cheney maintained that enhanced interrogation, also known as grilling, “is pretty well confirmed to get results from hogs. They always squeal.”

Cheney - ready to grill our enemies
Cheney - ready to grill our enemies

According to Cheney, legal opinions from Bush Justice Department officials authorizes the use of liquid in interrogation, a method known as marinating. Slamming them into walls, a procedure known as tenderizing, can also be used.

Then suspects are questioned while rotating over hot coals until their skin is crispy and golden.

Other enhanced interrogation methods include braising, deep frying, and being wrapped in ti leaves and buried in a mesquite-fired pit for about three hours.

Cheney also called on the National Archives to unclassify two secret documents that describe how CIA contractors prepare marinades and spice rubs.

In related news, conservative radio talker Rush Limbaugh paused between mouthfuls to celebrate a Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announcement that swine flu is not transmitted by food. “Mmmphllf slurf grrrnd,” Limbaugh said.