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Another Major Recall – Palin’s witchcraft protection failing

Americans already reeling from the Toyota recall were greeted this morning by news of another major recall.

Word of Faith Church founder Bishop Thomas Muthee said his church has recalled its witchcraft protection system, affecting one customer, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin.

Muthee said his church will repair a fault that exposes Palin to spells that can cause her to veer wildly, and experience braking problems such as an inability to stop talking.

The problem with the witchcraft protection system arose last weekend, when strange writing manifested on the palms of Palin’s hands as she spoke at the national Tea Party convention in Nashville. Her husband, Todd, took her to the local Assembly of God dealership, where the service department diagnosed witchcraft. Muthee was notified, and he began working on a fix.

It was Bishop Muthee who journeyed to Wasilla, Alaska, in 2005 to install Sarah Palin’s witchcraft protection system, which he described as a dense ethereal coating to keep her “safe from every form of witchcraft.”

“Normally we apply the coating at the factory. But we made an exception in Palin’s case, due to the size of my honorarium,” he said.

Of the current recall, Muthee said that although spontaneous appearance of words on the skin is a clear sign of witchcraft, “English words are quite unusual, normally what we see is in Latin.”

“This points to a younger witch that didn’t learn Latin,” he explained, tracing the defect to the witchcraft protection system not being programmed to account for Barack Hussein Obama. “We didn’t think Kenyan witchcraft would appear in North America,” said Muthee, of Kiambu, Kenya.

This weekend Muthee will travel to New York, where Palin is working as a 2012 presidential candidate for Fox News. “Todd will bring her into the dealership maybe on Monday afternoon and we’ll put her up on the lift. Installing the upgraded witchcraft protection system should take an hour,” he explained.

Muthee maintains witches have enormous influence in America. “There are many examples, such as the song Witchy Woman, and the TV show Bewitched. There are the 2001 Seattle Mariners from the world of sports, and it is the best explanation for Hulu’s move to a subscription-based business model,” said Muthee.

“I was also the first to notice that there is even witchcraft in the Pledge of Allegiance, where it goes, ‘and to the Republic for witch it stands’,” he said.

ERITAS errata: ERITAS is taking this week off

iNews Friday, 2/5/2010

A sampling of this week’s output from the iNews 9000 Turbo wi-fi headline translator—

Headline: Palin used PAC money to buy books
Translation: Which titles, Governor? –“All of them”

Headline: Boehner- Pentagon Should Be Part Of Spending Freeze
Translation: Boehner earmark- $5 Bil for F-22 in-cockpit frozen daiquiri makers

Headline: Abstinence-only programs might work, study says
Translation: Curriculum includes Star Trek trivia, D&D strategy

Headline: Republicans try to take Illinois US Senate seat
Translation: James O’Keefe caught attempting to interfere with seat

Headline: What Today’s Republicans Believe
Translation: What a Fool Believes
Translation (George Noory Mode): Republicans believe FAA covering up crash of Oceanic 815

Headline: Rush Limbaugh- “I Love Women’s Movement, Especially Walking Behind It”
Translation: Wide Load Admits Tailgating

Headline: Transportation Chief Hastily Backtracks on ‘Stop Driving It’
Translation: “Get out and push it,” LaHood says

Headline: Finally, Mr. Brown goes to Washington
Translation: Filibuster is the only thing those movies have in common

Headline: Is it okay to talk about your daughters’ weight if it’s for the national good?
Translation: “Ignoring the subject is a much better way to induce anorexia/bulimia,” First Lady’s critics say