Tag Archives: violence

Ultraviolent Mexican drug cartel to close health insurance division

A ruthless and violent Mexican drug cartel has been driven out of the United States, a spokesman for the criminal organization said today.

In an exclusive phone interview with CNN, the spokesman, identifying himself only as “Caballero Uno,” announced the cartel known as La Organizacion has decided to cease operations of Meditrolex Insurance, a Connecticut company specializing in the individual health insurance market.

An estimated 2,500 Meditrolex bosses, underbosses, enforcers, and claims reviewers will lose their jobs.

Caballero Uno said the decision to shutter Meditrolex “is because of American socialism.”

“We decided to invest in America because we thought it was a good place to do business,” said Caballero Uno. “And we prospered. We lived the American dream, jacking up insurance rates 20, 30, even 39% in a year, then refusing to pay.”

“But now your Comrade Obama has ended free market capitalism. He is going to make us post our balance sheet online, and spend at least 85% on patient care instead of mistresses, yachts, firepower, and executive bonuses,” he said.

“Obamacare also interferes in the most fundamental nature of our business — telling us we can’t cut off people we think are bad risks. Well it’s just unacceptable, we’re pulling out and heading back to Mexico to focus on our core business,” Caballero Uno said.

Republicans seized on today’s news as proof the new national health overhaul is bad for the economy. “It’s a narco-jobs killer,” declared a visibly emotional Congressman John Boehner, the House minority leader.

Boehner said he plans to press La Organizacion to stay in the U.S., and intends to travel to Mexico for talks. “I hear they have excellent tanning there,” Boehner said.

Good citizen…arm thyself!

Though it’s pretty safe to say that the violence plaguing Mexico hasn’t spilled over the border quite yet, Texans are preparing themselves as if the second coming of Santa Anna is nigh.

In response to concerns recently raised at a Fort Hancock town meeting Arvin West, the sheriff of Hudspeth County, advised the local citizens to get a gun. He then followed up with a quintessentially Texan observation:

You farmers, I’m telling you right now, arm yourselves… As they say the old story is, it’s better to be tried by twelve than carried by six.

Echos of Judge Roy Bean (“The Law West of the Pecos”).