Refusing to give up her quest for the Democratic Party presidential nomination and bolstered by her wide margin of victory in yesterday’s West Virginia primary, Hillary Rodham Clinton yesterday announced a plan to annex Canada into the United States.
The resulting United States of North America would consist of 50 states, 10 provinces, three northern territories, and — most important to Clinton’s struggling campaign — approximately 1,500 additional Democratic Party convention delegates.
“Everyone knows Barack Obama can’t win the big provinces,” Clinton surrogate Howard Wolfson said on a Canadian news program. “The hard-working Great White North will put Senator Clinton over the top.”
Wolfson detailed the North American strategy last night on Canadian Broadcasting Corporation’s The National. “Clinton will obliterate the Canadian border, reuniting sister nations that went separate ways in 1776,” he told anchor Peter Mainsbridge. A schedule of Democratic primaries would quickly be organized and held during June and July, in a joint venture with Canada’s Liberal Party, added Wolfson.
“Make no mistake about it, all the votes must be counted, and the votes of all North Americans will be counted,” he said
Wolfson went on to say that the reunification would be negotiated by a special State Department team. Senator Clinton will seek to have the team led by Microsoft’s Steve Ballmer, said Wolfson.
“Ballmer will propose a corporate-like takeover of Canada — even if it means a hostile takeover. Extremely hostile, if you get my meaning,” Wolfson said.
Mainsbridge questioned how either kind of takeover could be considered feasible, since the U.S. dollar is weaker than Canada’s dollar, and Clinton would need President Bush to initiate the effort.
Wolfson replied that these were minor details, and quickly ended the interview.
“Damn Penn did it to us again,” he concluded, off-camera.
In related news, Democratic Party chairman Howard Dean warned Nova Scotia and Prince Edward Island not to move their primaries ahead of U.S. Memorial Day.